Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Last week I had an experience where I felt the darkness inside of me, like a physical darkness that I did not dare to touch.

For nearly 2 years now I've been remembering a long past of multiple layers of traumas and trying to "compartmentalise" so I can still function. Feeling that darkness that I think in essence is all the locked up feelings has unsettled me. I don't know if it's good or bad - has anyone else ever felt that way?

[-Rayne-]

@Former-Member we have a dark place, like a space with no end, no bottom and no sides, it's limitless and it feels physical. the air, the space, is toxic to touch. you can survive there but it changes you. we stay away and try to forget that it's there but sometimes it stretches out to the rest of our world.

i don't know if this is the same but your post reminds us of it. similar maybe. i'm sorry for you. it's hard to ignore it completely and for long.

[Former-Member]

@-Rayne-

It is toxic.

[Former-Member]

@-Rayne-

I am missing the words, sorry.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, I get something similar. I feel a void deep inside me and down the bottom are dark horrible things.
I compartmentalise my feelings a lot. I physically put my feelings in a box and put a lid on it and file it away. It's the only way I can cope.
I've been told that I have unconscious things that are affecting me from childhood trauma and I wonder if it has to do with the darkness in the void.
I'm not sure if this makes any sense.
I think in therapy you deal with the dark bits so you don't have to compartmentalise.
This is my understanding anyway, not sure if it helps?

[Former-Member]

@Former-Member

I don't understand this all the way, as so far my psychiatrist and therapist have asked me to learn to compartmentalise until I am strong enough to deal with the past. Sometimes the dark takes over and I do things that I don't understand. They tell me it's how I cope. Sometimes not healthy but I cope.

[Former-Member]

Compartmentalising until you can cope makes sense. I think I did it as a coping mechanism as a kid- but I don't remember much.
I was told this quote in hospital - about unconditional acceptance, that you are where you are and have been trying your best and not to pass judgement on yourself. I wish I could remember it.

[Former-Member]

I am scared today. Scared of what's to come. Not in real life, but in my head. I've stopped trusting myself.

[Sahara]

Hi @Former-Member,

maybe you should go see your G.P. today and explain what is happening to you. I know it's not easy, but I think it would be for the best.

Perhaps they can give you something to make you feel more settled and refer you onto someone who can help you?

I have struggled on and off with dark thoughts all my life. They are not really part of me- they are a symptom of depressive illness.  I can usually manage them, but if they overwhelm me, I know I have to seek help for them.

[Former-Member]

@Sahara

My GP doesn't work Sundays.