Lived Experience Forum

[destructive]

I don't know how this place works if I just post here again. I don't want to clogg up the boards with my neediness and complaining and not be able to contribute. So just ignore me if it's annoying.

It's not a good night/day/life and I don't feel like that will change because I am the problem. Unless I can change me, be someone else, then what's the point. I have no one to help me but then even if I did I can't take help because I'm not worth it and that would be too much, too risky. Sometimes it's all I want, someone to hold me and to be able to cry in their arms. Not a partner, more a mother/nurturer. But the only reason I could even admit that here is because you all don't know who I am. I could never have that in real life because my body just physically rejects that... not that I've had it but if I did. And it does make efforts to make sure I don't even get close to that. So then I punish myself. Both for being weak and wanting it and for not being normal and sabotaging it. And then again for waist of someone's time and even illuding to it. And probably for coming here and saying this. How do you battle on when you are battling yourself? I can't do much more of this

[Maggie]

@destructive  If you could read what I wrote in my diary yesterday, you would be tickling boxes everywhere, as I am reading your post. 

I am sorry life has treated you, and me, so badly, that we can’t put the blame where it belongs. But I am going to tell you that you are worth every bit of help, hope and comfort, available, and if that’s only here online for now, we are right beside you.

Sending a virtual hug, hoping that’s ok with you, they are the only ones I can accept, but you don’t have to, if it’s at all invasive. Sitting with you. 💙💙

[Lostandalone]

@destructive Never feel you are a burden....you are worthy.... 

come in here anytime and let it all out.... there are so many of us here going thru the same thing... fighting the same demons... feeling the same way.... never feel afraid to let it all out...

we are all here to listen... to support you.... to hold your hand... to sit and hold you if needed... or just sit quietly and be there 

sending virtual hugs your way 💕💕💕

[destructive]

Thanks @Lostandalone  

I was thinking about it this arv and why that boiled to a head. It does often though I guess but particularly at the moment because I reached out to my therapist by emailing some stuff that I didn't really realise what I had written until her response and then I felt over exposed and stupid. Then also I am having to decide about changing GP. It's gotten too hard to get to my usually one now I'm back at work and have a little one (she's 30 mins ago). She's been my GP for years and knows that I just can't always talk and I don't feel like she judges me. I'm terrified of having to find a new one. My therapist has found someone for me she thinks would be a good fit so it's not about searching but about that meeting, getting to know her, whatever and having to leave the security of my old one. I have an appointment with the current one Friday and I need to tell her I need to change but I'm terrified. I'm worried I'll regret it. I want to maybe keep both for a while. Like see this new lady for a few small things or something first to kinds of test her out before fully deciding. I don't know. If anyone has any thoughts, ideas, experiences that would help I'd appreciate it.

[destructive]

Sitting in the car out front of therapy appointment in 6 mins and having some panic. Don't know why o freeze up so much but it just makes it seem pointless. 

[Maggie]

@destructive  Sending some 💙💙💙

[destructive]

Thanks @Maggie 

I went and it was horrible. I'm done, can't do it anymore, just makes things worse. I feel sick because I know what's coming and it's not good.

i made another appointment because she just kind of does that at the end but I'm going to cancel. What's the point when the thing that is meant to keep you alive can end you. It's like cancer treatment, sometimes you get to a point

where you think you may as well just live out the last part of your life with less toxins in your body. 

[Maggie]

@destructive  I’m really sorry . It sounds like it was really tough.

Do you have anyone in real life that might help today ? Or something that might help the awful feelings. 💙💙

[destructive]

@Maggie no, not really. Home now today as my boys unwell so can’t go to daycare. He’s sleeping but will be up soon. Just collecting myself before he wakes. Will get on with the day and then I don’t know. I never have anyone but it’s my own fault. I can’t even do therapy right and it’s something you’re not meant to be able to get wrong. Why pay someone to listen when I can’t talk. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so conflicted all the time. I just want a hug from someone but I hate being hugged. I want to be able to express myself but the. I go there and say nothing. I want her to care about me but then I don’t believe she ever could so What’s the point.
I feel
Like I’m wasting your time
Even.

[Maggie]

Your not wasting my time @destructive . I know all those internal conflicts, the wanting to talk , but freeze, the needing a hug, but feeling like cactus, wanting care, and feeling unworthy of it. 

Is it helpful to write  it out  ? Diary kind of thing. I do that with my counsellor, we exchange books each week. Or write it out for you personally. It gets it outside of your head.

An incoming virtual hug. You would never get one in real life, no one dares. 😆😆

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