Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Not at all @Appleblossom sometimes I simply get distracted and forget to respond on here. But when it comes to my threads I tend to just get to this point where I feel like I've received too much compassion--more than I deserve. And yeah, there's just that war in my head between wanting help and not feeling worthy of it either. I think when I feel like that it's probably when I'm most active on the forum shelling out advice. I don't know if that makes sense, just wanted to be clear it was nothing you did--and it never is when I drop out like that. It's an in my head thing. And I'm sorry, didn't meant to leave it like that. But again, don't take it to heart.

[Appleblossom]

Love your insights @saltandpepper 

and if we have not experienced much there is not even advice. I grew up in an unreal vacuum .... Good to keep conversations open.

Cheers Apple

[saltandpepper]

Experiencing very few positive moments of late, even though I've tried. Took my son out yesterday, got him some hot wheels cars and had lunch together. He had a good time. I really struggled. Having to try so hard to put on that mask and engage. It's been really hard. It's all forced and fake and everything is taking so much effort right now. My mind is so tired. Still not sleeping well. Grinding my teeth in my sleep again, chipped a tooth last night. Two chipped teeth now.

Feeling very trapped in my head and it feels like there's this vacuum in my chest. Just this hollow, painful, emptiness. I'm no stranger to this feeling, but usually it doesn't last this long. When I go through a depressive episode it'll last a few days at most, usually I'll be ok after a day of rest. It just hasn't let up this time. Haven't been able to pull out of it yet.

I see my GP in a couple weeks to talk about meds, again. Already upped what I'm on a couple months ago. I looked it up the other night and I can still go up one more time before hits the maximum dose. Doesn't give me a lot of confidence. Interestingly enough, says the meds I take are also meant to help with PTSD and OCD. Well, fu*k me, if this is helping, I'd hate to see what I'm like without these fu*kers. Yeah, nightmares aren't what they used to be, but woken myself up twice the past week screaming out. Just a shitty time I guess. Just a shitty time that's dragging on longer than I've gotten used to.

Not feeling great guys. And I don't think I'm in for a good night tonight

[traveller]

Hi @saltandpepper , it really sounds like its tough at the moment but you are still trying very hard to get through this....good on you! Its awful when time feels like its standing still and the feelings arent passing....but it will pass and you will come out the other side.

Keep accessing all your supports and call Lifeline 131114 or helplines such as Beyondblue if you need to chat....i know you have people on here who appreciate you and support you.

All the best on the rocky road and hope smooth sailing comes soon. 

Kind regards 

Traveller (Mod)

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper 

Glad you took your boy out.  Sounds like he is pretty young still, and you want him to be happy and are stretching emotionally a lot for him.  That is also called love.  It is not necessarily fake as there is a bigger need than simply being oneself with a dependent child.  It could be called responsible.  

Sounds like you are trying to process past trauma.  No good about the teeth.  I finally got a dental splint to help with grinding as they told me I had cracks in my teeth.  .... sigh.  I hope they are also   doing trauma work and not just prescribing pills.I had a session with my pdoc yesterday.  He told me his line was not giving pills for everything.  I totally agreed. 

Later on your boy might be able to take little phrases like ... got a lot going on son ... sorry I am not super cheery ... or something ... he might surprise you and say he could tell.  They can tell a lot.  Part of your job as parent ... is the whole caboodle of life ... not just good times.  Briefly mentioning your struggles in a way he can understand, gives him strategies for his own life ... its not always christmas for him either, nor should it be.  

Apple

[saltandpepper]

@Appleblossom Yeah I mean I agree completely re the meds thing. And yes, I do see a trauma psych as well, though it's been a while between appointments (which has been my choice).

And yeah, I get what you're saying, kid needs to learn how to deal with shitty times in life too. Just not sure if I've ever really learned how to do that. I mean, he's seen me when I've been.. unwell. Don't think it was too long ago when he found me on the floor of the kitchen as a blubbering mess. Was after a bad night with the PTSD thing, had a bit of a breakdown. Had the presence of mind to tell him I was ok and to go back to bed. I don't know. I never want him to see that side of me, but he's seen it. I don't want that to be who he remembers me as, just always struggling. Comsumed by my own shit. Stuck in the past. I don't want that for him, it's why I try so hard to put that mask on for him. These are my problems, not his. I know I overcompensate because of what happened to me and how I was treated. I think it sends me into overdrive wanting everything to be ok all the time for his sake. And I guess when I can't do that--because really that's unrealistic--it makes things in my head worse. Anyway, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

I've been wanting to get out of bed all day and go for a walk. Walking helps. Moving helps. Being still is bad. I just made myself some lunch, thinking I'll eat, shower, and go for that walk. But I'm back in bed. I just can't do it today.

Ah my head just feels like it's all over the place. Playing on this continuous loop of painful shit and it's not helping to think about it all, but I can't seem to stop either. Just been feeling so stuck this past week, past couple of weeks, past month. Just stuck. I want my mind to be quiet, I want real rest, I want to feel capable of showering and going for that walk. But my mind and my body only want to be in bed. 

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper 

You made total sense to me.  Few people want kids seeing them struggling.  I tried to hide it and all that did was confuse them. I knew my parents were struggling big time.  Just the way it was. Yes we hold ideals in our head about how we would like it to be.  Ideals can be good to strive for, but can also get in the way and make things harder than needed. As lots of people impose different opinions about the what proper etc etc. Learning to love children, can help us in learning to love ourselves, in a non sefish way, but honestly do the right thing for whole well being ... and all the flow ons ... for the future and others.

Re resting.  We can struggle between being driven, overwork and complete exhaustion.  I had to rest for a long time before I felt rested ... 

Yes sometimes getting moving really helps, especially when we are wired. 

Can you forgive yourself for feeling?  It is not always a bad thing, although a lot of guys are not socialised to accept it.  Maybe your call not to see trauma psych often is a good and fair thing.  You are the expert on you.

[saltandpepper]

I had hoped that doing laps at the dog park for two hours yesterday would've helped with my sleep. It didn't. Slowly, slowly going insane.

[saltandpepper]

Anybody about to chat? @Appleblossom @Last-Lament @NatureLover @Historylover @BlueBay and anyone else who comes across this... Really need the support...

I don't really know what to say. I just haven't had a good day and left therapy today feeling worse off. Finding it very hard to keep challenging my depression. I know I'm not doing the right things to fight it, I know what I'm meant to do, but I just don't have it in me right now. And when I said this to my psychologist today, they said it's my choice. It wasn't exactly the "buck up" talk I'd hoped I'd get today. I don't know what I was hoping for really. I guess he meant he can't help if I don't wanna do anything--and I get it. But I've left that appointment feeling like sh*t. Talked about nightmares coming back and not being able to sleep well, and he didn't really give me any help there. No, he did, I think. The thing is I'm not a stranger to this cycle, I know it pretty well now, and I'm consciously aware that a lot of what I'm thinking and feeling is under a cloak of depression. It's not real, it's warped and twisted and everything I'm taking in is being draped in negativity. I consciously know this. I'm aware of this. And I am so fu*king tired of trying to fight it.

I've come a long way, and I know I can and will see better days. But I feel like I'm drowning here. There's two people living inside of me, the broken useless susceptible to depression person, and the stronger healing work in progress person. The person I was and the person I've been fighting to become. It is hard work. It's always hard work. It's a constant battle within my own mind and sometimes I don't want to keep fighting. The thing is, depression is something I've been living with for... ever. My earliest memories of things not being right go back to early primary school. When i was just a kid. I started seeing a GP and various psychologists who did fu*k all to help when I was a teenager. And eventually I got so depressed I became suicidal and finally got the right help. I've been medicated for years now, seeing a trauma focused psychologist for years as well. And it's helped, immensely. But i still struggle with depression and it's always going to be there. I will always have to fight this battle. I will always have to make the choice to live. I will always need to battle my own mind. I've been ok with this, I've accepted this, but the past month I've been struggling with it. It feels hopeless. Pointless. Exhausting. I'm so tired of "living" always having to be a choice. I wish I could be free from this, I wish being alive wasn't such a struggle every day. When I think about having to go through this for the rest of my life, I just... I'm struggling to choose life right now. 

[Historylover]

Sorry I wasn't around last night when you were needing someone to talk to and sorry, too, that it seems no-one else was either.  It happens sometimes.

Well, @saltandpepper, I have no wonderful words of wisdom for you unfortunately.  I'm going through a very difficult time myself and so, I'm not very uplifting for you.

For me - I try to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.  It's still a struggle.  Life isn't meant to be like this.  

Look after yourself, @saltandpepper.  Thinking of you.  We're all in this together here.