Help. Please.

[Last-Lament]

Checkinig in with you again @saltandpepper So sorry to hear things are differently difficult for you. You are recognising that odd things are going through your mind though, and reaching out to find ways of dealing with them, so that is a good thing. Keep on reaching out as your energy allows. 

I wonder sometimes if the list making of things to do, or learn about our backgrounds is a way for us to find reasons to continue moving forward in life though, and not something else.

At a time when I was ready to end things, instead I got curious and delved deep into my past, researching records I could still then locate etc, and learned some seriously upsetting information that, peculiarly, gave me some level of peace and understanding about why the family held me in such contempt. It wasn't about me, it was about what my presence reminded them of and knowing htat allowed me to let go of various levels of emotional turmoil around it. 

Might I suggest your psych might not have been pissed at you, but we are so used to experiencing that reaction that his concern for you felt like that,especially over the phone. Talk to him  about it if you can, to check, let him know how it came across and stuff. 

Just letting you know too, that I won't be around as much over the next few days, maybe week - things that need to get done. I'll try to check in but won't have much time to spend here.

Look after you. 

[saltandpepper]

@Last-Lament Thanks for letting me know, I certainly appreciate your responses here, immensely, but don't feel any obligation at all! You gotta do you! I'm sure I'll be floating about the forums when you're back

Yeah the list making thing, that did come to mind and I'm quietly hoping that may be an outcome of it. That finding peace will allow me to exist without so much pain. But for now, it feels more like I'm going all in and I've got nothing to lose. Find out what I can while I can.

Yeah, thank you; that helps. I do tend to fear people are angry with me. And I was a bit drunk so it's hard to tell really. I hope I haven't pissed him off. He's a good bloke.

Hope you have a good few days and I'll catch up with you when you're back

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper Just caught up on your thread, as had a couple days offline.  Sometimes when our childhoods have been tough we dont really know how to be kind, or what to do, or what to try.  One of the good things about being on the forum is just talking about it all... When some people have mentioned things, I then realise I wanted to try it, and gradually added things that improved my quality of life.Sometimes its just day by day. Good to see you had company and lots of ideas thrown around. 

Hey @Last-Lament  @NatureLover   

[saltandpepper]

@Appleblossom Thanks for checking in. Very grateful I had so much support here when I really needed it.

Bit of a rough weekend. Still not feeling great to be honest, but have not had a drink tonight and I'm not a complete wreck, so that's good. Small steps. Have gone back to the smokes though, after god knows how many years. Well, I mean I had one here and there but kept it at just one. Very quickly sinking my way through my emergency pack and know I'm setting myself up for another issue--talk about how bloody expensive these damn things are now! But far out, it takes the edge off. For a minute my head feels good and I really just want my head to feel good. It's been a while since I've been at this desperate point, just clutching at anything to calm the shit in my head.

My state of mind feels like it's shifting to this dark place and I feel like I'm trying to fight it --with drinking and cigs to try and ease that intensity--but at the same time, I can't fight this time. It's eating me alive from the inside out.

I gave a mate of mine a call on Friday night and told him my partner had left. Haven't told a lot of people yet. I haven't seen the bloke in over a year but we go way back. I didn't ask him to but he came around yesterday and we had a good chat. So fu*king good to see him. It felt good to talk and admit that I've had a rough weekend. As positive as all those things are, it was really hard to just, talk, function, not withdraw. I kept withdrawing and needed to give myself a stern mental talking to to pull out of it. While we talked, the thoughts kept running theough my head. I wanted to tell him I'm feeling suicidal--but without just dropping a bomb like that. He'd say stuff while we talked like "its shit now but that makes sense, it'll get easier" and in my head I just wanted to crack and say it. I wanted to ask him to be godfather to my boy, but thought if I did that now it'd raise an alarm bell. Confusing, wanting to confess and let someone know I'm not doing great, but at the same time doing my best to keep that shit in.

It's all weighing on me and it's heavy in my chest and I just want to feel better.

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper  Through Darkness Comes Light, Through Fear Comes Love

Hearing you about struggling with withdrawal ... on an emotional/social level. Dont want to just share a meme. (The substance side of it is different, but maybe there are similarities too?) 

Sometimes I have needed solo time in order to function, and if in not in tip top condition, need to trust that the person with me will understand me and accept me for being me.  It is not a given as a lot of people put up all sorts of obstacles, but this friend of yours sounds fair dinkum.  You also sound considerate as you did not want to drop the suicidal bomb and alarm him, which is hard to hide.  I struggled with similar internal conflicts...  finding the right level on which to talk about suicide.  It has taken up a lot of my energy over the years.  

Maybe we need to be accepting of feeling average or so so ... and not have to feel GREAT all the time.  Maybe there is a time for a grudging ... I'll get there ... eventually ... and a wry laugh etc ... rather than over playing always having one's s**t together ... .

The mental clarity of a smoke is shortlived.  The heaviness in your chest can be partly physical. We all know that.  I had to forgive myself slipping back into smoking again and again, until one time I just knew it was my last time.   The cost can also be an incentive ...

is it worth all the coughing and the doh!

None of us are perfect, so easing up on negative self talk may be part of the answer.  

Yesterday I was visiting a few friends who still smoke a bit,  it does not bother me.  I still love them for who they are, and dont feel the need to smoke or to nag them ... whatever.   

Take Care 

Apple

[saltandpepper]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts here @Appleblossom 

Yeah, he's always been a top bloke. One of the only mates that's managed to hang in there with me. I think you're right, he probably didn't expect me to be any way other than what I was. It was pretty obvious I wasn't doing well, probably why he came and saw me after we talked the other night. It's that negative self talk that gets you hey? You're right about that too. When I felt myself withdrawing, that negative voice was quick to jump in and tell me I'm weak, pathetic etc. I know I can be very critical of myself, always have been, and you're right, if we weren't so critical we'd be in better form to deal with the shit we actually need to deal with. I'm not sure how to be any other way, it's very deeply ingrained within me. When I started out in therapy, I had to take a good look at myself. And when you're actually a shit person who has followed in the footsteps of your abuser, it destroys you a little bit. A lot. I'm not at peace with that, who I was, how even though I tried so fu*king hard I still turned out just like them. The worst part being I didn't even see it. I see it now, which is great, because it meant I could work on it and change my life. But that insight has also left me with a lot of resentment. I'm not sure the self hate is something I'll ever live without, and not sure I'd deserve to either.

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper 

The sense that we need to punish ourselves ... that we are not worthy  ... can die hard ... sometimes guys need to find a more blokeyish way to deal with that stuff.

Edited: sorry if TMI.

Apple

[Appleblossom]

https://scottjeffrey.com/shadow-work/ 

Have you thought of looking at the shadow side as something everybody has to deal with ..?

@saltandpepper 

[saltandpepper]

@Appleblossom No need to apologise, I really appreciate all the support you've been giving me.

I should apologise, sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed on here. At times I find it hard to respond, particularly in my own threads. Sorry I dropped off there, it's not the first time and it probably won't be the last. Please don't take it to heart.

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper

Thank you for clarifying things.  I just was not sure if I overstepped. It was good to see you posting around, with good threads, ideas and support, even better now.  All good.

Apple