Help. Please.

[NatureLover]

@saltandpepper - I'm so sorry you're struggling so much...depression is the worst, in my opinion. 😞

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@saltandpepper wrote:

Exhausting. I'm so tired of "living" always having to be a choice. I wish I could be free from this, I wish being alive wasn't such a struggle every day. When I think about having to go through this for the rest of my life, I just... I'm struggling to choose life right now. 

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I wish I could encourage you that things will get better. I do believe they will, from my own experience with extended severe depression. I'm really glad to be alive now. 

I'm not usually around in the evenings, sorry, usually just the mornings. I'm sending many wishes for your depression to ease, and life to become easier for you. 

[Historylover]

I was feeling extremely low when I posted to you this morning @saltandpepper but I didn't want to let you think no-one was there for you.

I've just dragged myself out to buy some essentials and three nice things happened which I wasn't expecting and they lifted me out of my gloom.  Sometimes it doesn't take much. That's just how it happens some times.

When we're down it feels like it will be never ending and that's all there is to life, but while it sometimes happens that we get more than our share of bad times we can work at rebuilding ourselves and our lives so that we have fewer bad times.

Work on you @saltandpepper.  Build something, read something, learn something, make small achievements, go for a walk, rest - whatever it takes, at that time, to put another renovated piece of you back in place in the person you want to become.  What do you want from your life?  Work towards that.

That's all I can say.  Work on it and stay well.

P.S. Therapists can only do so much for us - we have to do the rest for ourselves.

[saltandpepper]

@Historylover No apology necessary, thanks for dropping in this morning. No words of wisdom required here, it's just as comforting to know other people get it and have been here too. Talking is always helpful. I'm sorry you're going through a rough time as well, if you wanna talk about it I'm happy to listen.

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@Historylover wrote:

Life isn't meant to be like this.  

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☝️☝️☝️ This gets stuck on repeat in my head a lot. The other night I watched an interview with a panel of people who discussed depression/suicide. One of the panel members had lost her husband to suicide and she talked about how she had never personally experienced depression. This blew my mind. Some people go through life never experiencing this at all. That just blows me away. I remember a long time ago talking to my now ex about suicidal thoughts (this being something that always tends to linger in my mind) and they were shocked. And I was shocked that they were shocked. I'd never talked to anyone about it before and it came out in a manner like this "you know how when you get those thoughts..." me saying it like everyone experiences this. Was very awkward when they admitted they'd never thought of suicide before--and then they became very concerned for me. But it's just normal for me. And it blows my mind that some people will go through life never contemplating suicide or needing medication to help them get out of bed every day.

It feels unfair sometimes, and then I feel bad for feeling that way--it's not like I'd wish this on anyone. It just feels a bit brutal I guess, when you realise there are people out there just happily living their lives.

[saltandpepper]

@NatureLover thats all good, thanks for dropping in this morning. How have you been going?

Thanks for the reminder that things will get better and hearing that you're glad to be alive now is helpful. It reminds of times when I've felt that too. Just gets tiring having to remind ourselves and force ourselves to focus on the positive sh*t. Just wishing it wasn't always a choice we have to make. 

[saltandpepper]

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@Historylover wrote:

Work on you @saltandpepper.  Build something, read something, learn something, make small achievements, go for a walk, rest - whatever it takes, at that time, to put another renovated piece of you back in place in the person you want to become.  What do you want from your life?  Work towards that.

That's all I can say.  Work on it and stay well.

P.S. Therapists can only do so much for us - we have to do the rest for ourselves.

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Well, I am glad you're feeling better now @Historylover That is good. And thanks for leaving some advice here for me.

Yeah look, I don't want to be annoying here, but I just can't do any of those things right now. I know I should, absolutely. But snapping myself out of this one is just not happening. To be honest, I have forced myself to get out for walks, and I've been eating healthier--doing those little things to help manage. But I'm so fu*king depressed at the moment, it's not helping. Even tried going for a run for the first time in years and my head still just is cycling through so much sh*t. Just isn't easing up this time. Been doing the little things trying to help push through another day and I still feel just as fu*ked up in my head. It feels hopeless. I'm tired of fighting.

And yeah; there's only so much a therapist can do, i get it. It feels isolating to hear it, that I'm the only one that can get myself out of this. I don't feel capable of it this time. And when I try to say that to my therapist his response just made me feel like... Hopeless. I feel very alone with this, and knowing that it's up to me where I go from here it just makes it worse in my head. Two choices, live or die, fight or give up, and when I'm struggling so badly to be told the choice is mine it feels like... Being given permission to give up. I feel like what I need right now is help to get to the point of being capable of helping myself again. I tried walking, a lot, and running, eating better, showering, I did the little things and I'm sure that usually I'd be on the other side by now. But I still feel stuck. I'm still aching in my chest, I still want to lie in bed, I still want to punch myself in the head to try and quieten all the noise in there. I don't feel capable of helping myself anymore.

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper 

Glad @NatureLover and @Historylover were able to "talk".

I feel the word "choice" is over used in mental health issues. An ex sister-in-law told me about personal choice a bit, but she did not have a clue. We do have input and influence over our own lives and it is important not to "outsource" that,  however, it can feel dismissive and lacking in compassion and/or guidance.  Many things we deal with are not our choices but the consequences of other people's "choices" or experiences.

Life is not a level playing field.  Hearing you about dealing with depression from a young age.  I had more isolation and extreme neglect and loneliness, but did not have suicidal thoughts back then. It is a problem with it being spoken about that vulnerable minds might ... move in that direction ... then we can get stuck in cognitive loop.

When the going gets tough .. the tough get going ... is one buck up saying ....

The person you want to become ... sounds like a way to go ... taking little steps or making little choices in that direction ... could be way to go.

Apple

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Appleblossom thanks for your input and insight. And thanks for giving me that validation and understanding which I really need right now.

I know I should do that; work towards being the person I want to be--the one I've been trying to be. I just feel stuck right now. My head keeps telling me it's pointless anyway. I don't feel the motivation to work on myself or keep moving forward. I know motivation comes and goes and I know I need to keep giving myself reminders and pep talks. But I just don't want to anymore. I'm so tired of always having to talk myself into living. I just don't feel like I want to do it anymore.

And yeah, sorry about all the suicide talk, not intending to derail anyone. Just where my heads at with everything.

I just forced myself to go out on a walk, nice enough day for it. But it was so fu*king hard. I stopped and sat down by the river and thought about giving up. I sat there going over and over it. By the time I managed to get up it felt like a struggle even to walk again. I just felt like I wanted to sit there and die. Just be done with it all.

Back home now, and gotta get myself together enough to see my son this afternoon. But lying in bed again. Just wanting to die.

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @saltandpepper,

Sorry to see things are feeling so hard today. Good on you for finding that energy to go for a walk and reach out here when things are feeling low. Of course, if you feel that you might need some extra support today, please do not hesistate to contact a crisis service such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) if needed.

Take good care of yourself - we all really care for you here

Kind regards

Peregrinefalcon

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper 

GOOD LUCK with your son.  He just needs you, and it will be in different ways, to his need for his mother, so carve out that unique space together.

Dont worry about suicide talk with me.  I think there needs to be spaces for it and right from the beginning of posting on this forum, I tried to find ways of speaking about it, cos the repressing of it is often what gives it greater power over individuals.  I have spent a fair bit of time talking people in real life out of it.... 2 girlfriends and 1 sibling, then battled my own, plus other people where it may have been underlying the more graphic MI, but not made explicit..  Eg My sister did not talk much about suicide with me, I was mainly struggling to relate to her through paranoia, and after attempts.  The discussion of it was too delicate to come iinto words ....She passed when she was 21.

I have to detach from repeated statements of it without any other productive things, but if there is anything I can hang on to in a post, and make a half decent response, I try that.  There is plenty thoughtful and constructive in your posts.

Take Care

Apple

[BlueBay]

Hey @saltandpepper 

i am sorry i just saw your post now.  I am sorry you are struggling so much with depression.  i hope you are ok at the moment.  is the weather nice where you live? 🙂