Lived Experience Forum

[Lynda]

Hi I'm so sorry to post again but I'm really alone. I started researching 4 months ago I started obsessing over having schizophrenia to the point where I checked myself into the psych ward etc I was fully convinced I had this disease.. then it moved onto bi polar I obsessed over that and actually made myself so sick I got the symptoms I've obsessed over having NPD, BPD, ASPD everything. Then it went to physical I was so scared I was having heart problems from my chest pain I was in hospital all week getting tests. I have had trouble in my past which links me to cluster B personality disorders.. as described in my other post. I read somewhere that people with HPD would harm or worse k** there children.. lately I've been obsessed with the fact that I will harm (k*ll) my mum for attention!! I feel totally crazy. I'm so scared I will harm her/ end her life to try and get attention but reading that triggered this... I'm also to scared to take meds or get rid of it because I then feel I won't care about the thought and do it? I've stopped eating, sleeping lost A LOT of weight and this fear is with me 24/7. Any advice will be appreciate

[Dothemo]

Hi Lynda,

I have OCD too and can relate to a lot of what you have said. I also have a mental health anxiety and health anxiety component to my OCD too.  Oh boy I really personally know the horror that you've experienced. It sounds like you've had a horrid time, I'm sorry to hear that you have been through this. I understand the fear of thinking you may have schizophrenia and even heart attack - the heart attack is one of my big fears when I'm unwell and I have been to the ER many a time because of panic attacks caused by heart attack fear.

I can assure you that you will not k*ll your Mum or anyone for that matter. Your OCD disorder has grabbed onto your new fear of this and is making it all worse for you. The fact that you care so strongly is proof that you would never k*ll anyone - but the OCD will make you obsess and question that.  

I am struggling quite strongly now as well but I know that the solution to this is talk therapy with a competent therapist or psychologist. Easier said than done, I know they are hard to find but they are out there! Cognitive behavioral therapy and Exposure response therapy is the absolute gold standard for OCD, when I have had it - I've made leaps and bounds. Do you have a psychologist or counsellor?  

[Lynda]

Hi, im sad to hear you're struggling now but it must feel good knowing that therapy has helped you in the past! I have a therapist at the moment but nobody knows what to do as I don't want to do therapy or take meds because then I'll get over the thoughts and I'm worried if I don't fear them I'll do them etc.. hard to explain. It scares me because I force myself to think about it all day and it's in my head all the time not as an intrusive random though but obsessing over whether or not I'm capable of doing it. It's so hard 😞 I also have an underlying PD of some sort which is scaring me because I don't want to heal my OCD and then the underlying PD come out in full form and change me as a person. I really don't want to live anymore

[Dothemo]

Hi @Lynda

It is your right to want to have the will to live, it is not a privilege but a human right - no matter how dark you feel at the moment, know that things can always get so much better and life can be wonderful. Please fight against the dark thoughts and hold onto the will to live, the will to fight tooth and nail. 

Yes OCD is very deceptive, it makes you think these things to avoid treatment. Personally I am feeling a bit disheartened by medication at the moment but I believe whole heartedly in therapy. Do not worry about the PD, there is therapy for that too - it's called Schema therapy and it can also treat OCD as well as PD!  Therapy is wonderful, I used to have obsessional thoughts and compulsions that would compell me to drive back the way I came or walk the same route I came when exiting a buiding. Exposure and response therapy completely eliminated those - now I can drive any route I want and not worry about it. I still have much more therapy to go for other things too!  Were you diagnosed with PD by your psychiatrist if you don't mind me asking?

[Lynda]

Thank you so much. Reading your thoughts in such a dark place helps me a lot. No i have not been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure there's something I had a real rough childhood with my father who was pretty cruel and now in relationships I'm really out of control I hate it... I just hope it's not aspd!!! Because that cannot be treated.<br><br>So encouraging to hear therapy helped you with your OCD that much!! But no good about the meds they want to put me on Lexapr*but apparently it can occur bad thoughts and I couldn't deal with that at the moment! What OCD are you struggling with now if it isn't the routes if you want to answer?

[Lynda]

Sorry I always forget to take you @Dothemo

[Dothemo]

No worries @Lynda,

It may be strongly possible that your OCD is making you think you have ASPD, you sound like a good and moral person to me - that is why your OCD thoughts are making you doubt your goodness. But even if you were to be diagnosed with ASPD, it can be improved with Schema therapy 🙂 . It sounds like OCD to me, because it sounds like my own.

My OCD has manifested in many different ways over the years, I've almost had all subvariants over the years. Symptoms including germ obsessions, hand (and food) washing, sometimes purely obsessional OCD, thoughts that I'd harm others or that I'm a sexually deviant person and the severe health anxiety forms. I've most likely missed some things, I've had this for years now. What I have learnt is that OCD can change and morph. It's greatest trick is trying to make you think it is something else, or to making you think you need it!

I should mention that with me, the 'themes' do weaken after you've tried to beat them over time, that is why it can morph into a new 'theme' if that makes sense.

How long have you suffered from OCD? 

[Lynda]

@Dothemo I've only just been diagnosed a few weeks ago! But it started last July with the heart and cancer obsessions etc and only now I've been diagnosed is because it's moved onto mental health. It's horrific. It's always there I can't imagine it going on for years! When it was attached to something it felt like my world was over and there was no way I wasn't going to die from a heart attack now I feel like that about being a sociopath etc, it's ruining all my relationships and my life 😞 makes you doubt absolutely everything. Now every time I'm around family or friends I'm constantly questioning my feelings like if I'm nice I think "was that genuine or just me being cunning because deep down I'm a sociopath and it's all an act" then I'll have to research to convince myself otherwise. Horrible!! I've got two more appointments with different psychologists trying to get an aspd diagnosis but I might just have to listen to them and put that obsession to bed. Are you going back to therapy?

[Dothemo]

@Lynda, don't worry about it going on forever - you will get used to it and it can get better with therapy. It can almost be completely controlled. I have mine in waves too, some months I'm really well and others not so but anyways.

In response to your question I am definately continuing therapy, my psychologist doesn't bulk bill so I'm getting a casual job to help with the cost :-).