Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[querentxyz]

Just checking in!

My first meeting with my thesis supervisor is next week but I am already in contact with him about my research project. There is an option to change projects at this point and do something new but I'm hoping he will allow me to continue with my previous work. I took high distinctions on it but that was with a different instructor, and I don't know what this teacher will think about my work. In the past I have gotten along very well with him though and I'm sure it will turn out.

I have been in touch with Centrelink for Newstart and after the phone inteview I went to my appointment with the employment services provider who told me that my appointment had been cancelled as I had been exited from the case load due to studying full time. There seems to have been a misunderstanding on the phone interview, as I'm not studying full time, just one more unit to go. But at least, everything seems on track to me getting some government support, I am just supposed to confirm my identity. Which is pretty great because I am running out of cash.

There is an amazing career advancement opportunity that has come up at a major public organisation in my field for people who will soon graduate and my course supervisor thinks I would be an excellent fit for the role. Hopefully I will get an interview for it. It offers outstanding learning type development, excellent remuneration, and future promotion potential. It is a 35 hour a week role. I had hoped to just focus on my thesis over the next few months, but the opportunity is too good to pass by. So I'll be pleased if I get it, but if I don't, then it will almost be even better.

I went to the counselling service at the university and made an appointment for next week. It's an intake appointment with a counsellor rather than a psychologist but I'm hoping they will direct me to a psychologist who will work for me effectively. My mother has been leaving me in complete peace since I sort of exploded at her after she interrupted my time alone, but this week, as I have returned to my volunteering work, and have been in contact with my academic supervisor, and have attempted to attend the Centrelink appointment that was cancelled, I have been feeling a lot of awareness that I am not coping with daily life. After everything that has happened to me it feels as though life has really gotten to me, and I'm struggling massively. Hopefully I will get some coping techniques and get some resilience back.

I haven't been working on my scrapbook since Mum visited me. I just feel well and truly like it was the last straw. I am feeling so exhausted. But previously to that, I did make a lot of notes about things. I'm hoping that I can take this project to my counselling appointments and develop thoughts about how to move forward with my life.

Reading this, I hope you have a peaceful and happy weekend, whether alone or with your families and loved ones. xoxox ❤️

[Appleblossom]

There are a lot of pluses.  Hope it all works out for you .. supervisor, project choice and career opportunity.

Dont be too hard on yourself about the domestics ... we can allow a little slack in one area in our lives .. and then later do catch up ...

The scrap book will be there for when you have time.

You have heaps on your plate and are doing MAGNIFICENTLY.

cheers Apple

[Faith-and-Hope]

@querentxyz

I couldn't agree with @Appleblossom more ...

Just keep swimming ....

🐠🐠🐠🐠🐠 ❣

So good to hear about your progress 😊

[querentxyz]

I went to the counselling service, they are tossing masses and masses of help at me, getting me set up with a mental health plan. I haven't met the psychologist who's taking me on yet but I read about her on LinkedIn and she seems like someone I will like.

The intake psychologist asked me all these questions about how I used to be psychotic, it was kind of intense. I know she just needs to know about it but I almost started to doubt myself and my life now!

I had my meeting with my thesis supervisor, it was really intense and I feel apprehensive about all the coming work.

I got offered an interview next week for one of the positions I applied for, and the recruiter sounded very enthusiastic about my application. The thing is I feel less enthusiastic about it because a job came up that I'm also very qualified for that is my dream job. But the first job has good things about it too... But it's not like I have been made a job offer by either of these places... My teachers also want me to come to a networking event where there will be recruiters... It's all so confusing.

I went to the employment office and my Newstart has come through, it was much more than I was expecting and I was able to buy a new pair of shoes, which was wonderful, I knew my old ones were finished but thought they were still sort of OK until I saw them next to the new ones. I can't believe I've been going to my volunteer work in those filthy things. At least I will be presentable for my job interviews now.

I am feeling overwhelmed with all the things that I have to do. Feeling very tired and not sleeping well. At least my mother is giving me space.

Hope you are well X

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @querentxyz

That is a lot going on, but on the whole it sounds very positive.

When I have a lot going on, I break it down into baby-steps and work on achieving all the little things that eventually form into a large achievement.  You need to have general priorities, but not sweat the small stuff .... instead of looking at how big it all is, think of it as a set of smaller stuff, and you can move from set to set, working on the stuff in one area, then eptaking a bit of a break and working on something from another area.

Having studied so well for so long, I am sure you have the skill to do that.  It just means settling down into a new routine, and I think the job prospects will settle into place by degrees.  Breathe deeply and don't panic .... clarity begins to assert itself .... and there are people around you now to help.

Well done you ❣

[querentxyz]

thank you Faith-and-Hope!!

I am just giving my update.

I went to my interview and it went terrible. It was quickly obvious that I hadn't known what questions to expect. (I haven't interviewed in 7 years, and never for a professional industry.) But the recruiter turned it into a coaching session for me. And it was a great experience because I figured out more of what I want to do. I'm applying for the job I really want now and the process of writing my application is going really well (it has taken at least ten hours to write so far which is crazy). I have some amazing mentors on board including my manager who edited my application for me, and a senior lecturer at school for a referee who tells me that I have a delightful personality and exceptional potential as a researcher. Right now I am really concentrating on this particular job application process. I really believe that this is the position for me and that I am capable of getting it.

I had a wonderful meeting with my thesis supervisor this afternoon and he made everything a lot more clear. He said that the reason I've been feeling stuck is because I have been reading too much material and I have become confused by all the different strands of the issues, but he helped me to focus on what is important to finish the project.

I went to a networking event tonight and I sort of bombed it. I am a very shy person! All of the instructors started up conversation with me, and that was great, but it upset me that most of my contemporaries seemed to avoid eye contact with me, I felt like a "freak". And I didn't have the nerve to approach the recruiter. But all in all, I did better than the last networking event I went to. I actually approached some people and said hello this time!

Now on to the fun stuff!

Last Saturday I woke up, Mum was supposed to be visiting me, and she would usually call in the morning, but she didn't and I couldn't reach her by phone. I somehow became convinced that she had driven recklessly and had an accident and killed herself. I became frantic and got on the bus and rushed over to her house, thinking that she had probably had a stroke or a very bad fall and couldn't answer the phone. She wasn't there, so then I called the police to see if her car had been booked. Finally I called her friend who told me that she was working that day! I was overwhelmed with relief!

A similar thing happened tonight when I was at the networking event and she called, I said I couldn't talk just then and she said she was driving somewhere, we hung up but it sounded like something was wrong! I thought one of her brothers or sister-in-laws must have been killed in an accident and she was rushing to the scene! After I called her I found out that all she was calling me for was to find out how to forward an email, and she was driving because she was going home from work!

I have become so accustomed to constant disasters that now it's like I'm on constant alert for them and I am always believing that they will happen. I don't know what to do about that. Mum said it's my time now and that I really need to focus on my own life. But I think I heard that from her once before and it didn't turn out that way. I'm afraid that something will go very badly wrong and I will go completely off the rails and my whole life will fall apart. I don't think I can handle more chaos at this point in my life.

Apart from that, I went to see the GP at university to get my mental health plan. She was pretty cool, she made it very clear that this is going to be a relationship only for purposes while I am still at university and she listened to what I had to say about my usual GP and also encouraged me to return to her. I got very upset in the appointment talking about when Mum was scheduled but it was OK. At the end I asked her if I could have a script of the antipsychotic that works for me, and she printed it for me. I got it filled straight away and I took some and it calmed me down hugely. The price of it has also gone down to a quarter of what it used to be, which is wonderful.

I also saw the psychologist, she was really great. I like her a lot. She asked me a lot of questions about my Dad and then she said "He sounds like he might be autistic." That was a really interesting way of thinking about my Dad, and it could definitely possibly be true. After she heard all about me she said "I don't know if this vaildates you or not, but your story is one of the more extreme types of stories I've heard in here. It's not like most people's stories." She also said that a good way to approach alcohol is not to drink alone, only socially.

The other thing she said that was really interesting was about how to deal with my own emotional reactions to my Mum's intense emotions. She said that it's like being on a bus ride when you're going home. You make a sort of a time-bounded "bus ride" for yourself. For the first half of the bus ride you're allowed to go really deeply into your feelings of rage and sadness, and to really feel everything deeply. Then at the halfway point of the bus ride you start to bring yourself out of it by noticing your surroundings and focusing on what you are doing and what you are going to do during the evening - making dinner, etc. This is pretty interesting.

She said that due to university rules she can only see me while I'm still at school (about 3 more months), but she'll fill that time with visits and she thinks she can help me to get better boundaries with my Mum and to get on with my life.

I am having a lot of trouble sleeping, I am really stressed out and there's a lot going on, but I'm OK with not sleeping really... just very tired!

Well, that's all from me for now. I hope everyone here is taking care of themselves ❤️

[querentxyz]

Sorry, that was too long. I'll make it shorter next time. Cheers

[Faith-and-Hope]

So okay @querentxyz .... the first post was too long, then the second one was too short .... so let's put them together, then divide in half .... oh look .... they're both just right .... 

😏

Good morning 🌷💕

Just teasing you .... what you posted was your communication in the moment .... and it was fine ❣😀

Post readers have the option of skim-reading if they choose .... the posting is as much for you to vent about your feelings and circumstances as it is about those who read it and offer support, insight, suggestions, empathy, etc ....

It sounds like it has been a really mixed bag of experiences, but on the whole, you are landing on your feet and working out a lot of the knots along the way ....

Well done you ❣

[querentxyz]

@Faith-and-Hope You have an awesome sense of humour, not kidding.

[querentxyz]

Life is being a devil to me, I wish I didn't have to be strong.

I have been getting a lot of attention from great looking strangers. Hate it!!!!!!!!!! They have skin like milk that nothing ever touched. Next to my skin which looks like a rusted wreck!

Barely sleeping

Psychologist has halved my future visits as I can guarantee I will not suicide.

Ongoing difficulties finalising thesis topic. Best thesis ever vs. Don't even know why it matters. Psychologist tells me that my results say that I'm an exceptional scholar. Yeah I'm brilliant, So?

Bad job interview experience. / Interview refused for job I truly wanted and spent two weeks writing an application for.

Psychologist says: "So, was your Mum formally diagnosed with BPD? ...(Yes, I said.)... Your Mum is a very sick lady [pause for closure]".

I used to date a man longterm who was constantly making jokes about my digestive tract. Today Mum made a joke about my body just like he used to make because supposedly I took too long in the bathroom. It was like a nightmare. I am not exaggerating, exactly like a nightmare. My whole reason to never marry is so that I never have to tolerate conversation about my digestive system.

I am completely isolated from the rest of humanity and don't believe that it's possible for other human beings to grasp what my life has been like. I hate living and if I could ethically die, I would die.

I'm fine, just need somewhere to say how it really is.