Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

I think it was last week, or maybe the week before, @querentxyz your mother was giving the impression she was fine to be living on her own, and you were pleasantly surprised by that ...

This has been an experimental time for both of you, and it has helped you both draw some conclusions it seems. It has also broken the mold of your former dynamic, and it is clear you you that it can't be returned to .... that seems to be an insight you can work with.  Is that correct ?

Can you begin working out the logistics for where you will live independently ?

Good to hear you are developing direction for yourself, and a sense of being your own person.

😊

[querentxyz]

In this experience I managed to exclude every possible interference from my opportunity to rest, except Mum seems to have an uncontrollable compulsion to interrupt my rest. Although I realise it is some sort of overreaction, it is not an overstatement to say that I feel devastated, and I think part of that is the realisation that I'm not capable of helping Mum with all the things that I hoped would be possible.

Once I finish my degree and get full time work I'll be saving up for my own unit. It will take about a year I guess. I can keep living at home during that time. I had really hoped to live with Mum long term, that we could upgrade our real estate, and I thought she could have a much happier life that way... But I just don't see it being possible anymore. I'm not strong enough to live with someone who is not capable of allowing me to have any possibility of rest and recuperation.

I have just started to feel genuinely fearful that I am too depleted to ever have anything for myself in my life. I feel like time is seriously running out for me to ever have my own life. There's still enough time... I guess it's just really lucky that this had happened, because if I had tried to keep supporting Mum as much as I have wanted to, I would have run out of time.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Yeah @querentxyz, it's tough alright .... but there's one silver lining right there .... 

Set your sails now that you know what you want, and start working out new support and provision for your mum ....

You'll get there ....

Hugs 💗💕

[querentxyz]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope<br><br>Feeling really intensely stressed out, angry, sad and betrayed right now, having trouble sleeping, it's not right to be feeling this intensely and I thought it would pass after a couple of days but it hasn't. I can't find my way out of this maze of emotions. At this point I just want all the emotions to go away, there is a medication I have been prescribed in the past and it would sort me out straight away but I don't think I can afford it right now. I have Centrelink calling me on Monday about Newstart so I can ask them if I can get anything off medication then. I will also go and see the University counselling service on Tuesday. I tried to get in touch with them 6 months ago but the person was really unkind, but I'm sure I will have better luck this time.<br><br>Thanks for listening &lt;3

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @querentxyz

There's also the SANE Helpline above - 1800 18 7263 - and the facility to chat offline.  They are available to listen and can r direct you to other support and counselling services.  

It's definitely worth trying the uni counsellors again.  Some people on the forums chat with Lifeline quite regularly, and they have an online email chat service too.  There is sometimes the opcomment that they spoke with someone who they couldn't relate well with, or visa-versa, so they hung up and called back, finding someone else to talk to.

keep chatting here too .... its a sounding board .... sometimes just in expressing ourselves it can help us get our thoughts sorted, and pressure relief.  Just finding people who can empathise with what you are going through means a lot.

Take care 😊

[Janna]

It sounds as though you're going through a rough patch at the moment in which many emotions are being activated and cumulatively are making you feel quite overwhelmed.  This is the perfect time to actively engage in some serious self-care and diversional activities to get your mind away from those negative spiralling thoughts.  Things that may work include going out and catching up with some friends, treating yourself to a massage somewhere, going for a walk, watching a movie, listening to some music, cooking something special, doing something creative, etc, etc.  It's easy to become fully emersed and bogged in emotional overwhelm and often just "changing the channel", as I like to call it, is enough to break the cycle and restore a healthier emotional equilibrium.

@Faith-and-Hope has made some great suggestions.  In addition to that I'd also like to remind you that you are entitled to free psychotherapy via medicare.  Here is a link which outlines how to access this:

https://www.health.gov.au/internet/main/publishing.nsf/content/0F792912834609B4CA257BF0001B74FA/$Fil...

You certainly sound like you could do with some additional support right now.  A good organisation which also offers phone counselling helpline is the Blue Knot Foundation (formely Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma and Abuse (ASCA)).  This service is available for family and friends as well and you would certainly qualify.  Here is the link:

http://www.blueknot.org.au

I hope this is of some help to you.  Take it easy and look after yourself.

Janna ❤️

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @Janna

😊❤️

[querentxyz]

Thank you!!!

Feeling a lot less emotionally confused and agitated today, just very sad and wanting to cry a lot, feeling sad about my life.

I am 33 but for some reason I am very young looking, I have been carded at the bottle shop twice in the last month. It is not like that inside, in my mind I feel like my life energy is just all used up and I don't have any strength anymore.

Back to school next week. But still staying at my brother's place there will still be a lot of time for rest.

[Faith-and-Hope]

I'm sure there will be a lot of emotional backwash involved for you @querentxyz.  You have been there trying to support your mum for so long, but as @Janna has pointed out, trauma affects the family or those who have been traumatised as well ...

Be gentle with yourself, and I encourage you to seek support for yourself.  

Glad you can keep resting too .... nutrition is also important, and self-pampering, walking, time with friends, hobbies .... 

Our family are hyper-mobile - high flexibility in our ligaments ... I think there is a collagen connection in there somewhere too, and we are all often mistaken for younger than we are.  I have a 28yo son who asked for id everywhere he goes, as are the 26yo's, 21yo and the 18yo only doesn't, I think, because she is big and tall ... The 26yo sisters are small.  The boys are tall, but baby-faced .... what can I say ?

Accept it as a compliment 😊

[Appleblossom]

Hello @querentxyz

I am glad that you have managed to enjoy a fair degree of your quite solo time. you have really given a lot to your mother and can keep a clear conscience.  I think there comes a time when we know enough is enough.

I loved my mother and did a lot for her too, but when she died, my main feeling was relief.

That your mother interfered when you specifically asked for the private time may be the impetus you need to focus more on your own life than on hers.

Dont worry just take a step at a time and keep your boundary clear even if you go back with her for a while.  It is natural that you leave anyway.

If she hasnt been able to respect your boundaries up til now ... she is not likely to learn and is probably quite set in her ways.  Just do what you need to for your long term.

I think it is beautiful that you cared enough about her to help her write her book.  That may or may not happen.  Find ways to maintain the relationship that dont leave you in turmoil for days after she visits .... hmmm ...
Hope your scrap book is going well.

regards Apple