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Re: Caring for my mother

Hello @querentxyz

You have a lot going for you. 

Your skin is probably not worse than the people paying attention to you.... average it out ... none of us are perfect ... and do we really want to be? All we can is try.

I haven't been on this side of the forum much.

I dont use a phone often ..  as the instant contact is not always productive ... we can get over-reactive.  Of course they are useful in emergencies.

Take care of YOU too .. your mum may be sick .. but we all have rights.

Apple

 

 

 

Re: Caring for my mother

'Morning @querentxyz ..... 🌷💐

My 'like' was "I'm hearing you ....."

Some jigsaw puzzles are much bigger than others, with smaller, more challenging pieces .....

You have grown a long way through yours ..... keep going .... the picture will start making sense to you .... even if some pieces remain lost, or it seems have gone into the not-quite-right-place but fit well enough to make the picture work anyway .... so that means another piece fits into the not-quite-right-place too .... but hey ... your puzzle is still working .....

Baby steps @querentxyz .... the forums become a bit of a diary in a way .... and you are moving forward, even if you feel lost in it a bit at times .... lots of bits to fit together ....

Take heart.

Keep going ....

🐠🐠🐠

Re: Caring for my mother

Thank you for hearing me.

I spent my mother's birthday with her and we had a good day. I arranged for a bonsai for her with help from my brother's input overseas and she was so pleased with it she burst into tears. Later we were talking and I said some career activites I was planning and she said "Do you have the energy for that?" and I felt a bit of agitation, but I said "But Mum you have confidence that I have energy to do things that I decide to do, don't you?" and I was happy because I handled that kind of question from her better than I ever have before.

I have figured out that if I take a really small dose of my antipsychotic at 9pm that it helps me to sleep and doesn't make me feel sick in the morning. It's a very small dose, a quarter of a 5mg pill but it still really makes a difference to me. I'm not sure why no one has listened to me about how much trouble I have sleeping before, and to sort out this solution for me, but I'm happy I've sorted it out now.

My experience of life is pretty interesting lately.

I have had a couple of really discouraging experiences with looking for work. I know you're not supposed to let it get to you, but it caused me to reevaluate some aspects of my life.

It's strange how in life it's not OK with anyone for you to be "broken" until you're somehow clearly visibly very "damaged". There's a really intense resilience culture in society that says that you always have to rejuvenate yourself and there's not really a lot of allowances for people who don't fit into that. I've been OK with being a broken person, it seems like it's everyone else who finds that so unacceptable. It's not enough for me to want to do a good job in my work, I am required to meet some certain other expectations. And it's difficult for me to have any faith in the ability of other people to measure me according to any meaningful standard. Basically, my life has been very difficult and has hurt me, and after everything I find it unbearably humiliating to be treated that way. I don't know whether it's just the type of person who I am, but trying to fit into society just makes me sob in frustration and hopelessness.

4 years ago I read a book "I Want To Be Alone", it's a mass market paperback (nothing special) about hermits being people who shun society, which is different from sociability. And I have had this long term fantasy that I could just somehow run away and live in a cabin in the woods. Over the past few days I've been thinking that I don't want that to be a fantasy anymore. I have been thinking pretty seriously about alternative off-grid ways of living. I felt so much different when I decided that this is the right path for me to work towards, even though it will take years to achieve. I want to have a small scale farm with some Tesla batteries and maybe a couple of cabins to rent out to people like rustic luxury. That's my dream...

Re: Caring for my mother

Hi @querentxyz .... 😊

That sounds fantastic ... and being the scholar you are, I am sure you would work out the details carefully to make it happen ....

I posted this for a friend yesterday -

image.jpeg

It's not that nobody has been off the grid before .... of course they have .... but the thought is that you are doing it your own way and working out challenges to make it happen as you go ....

You would also likely meet a lot of interesting people who are the type to come looking for an alternative, rustic life experience.

There are shows on TV from both England and America that venture into this territory.   I can't recall the names exactly, but I have tuned in and been quite absorbed by them. 

The one based in England is where people are looking at properties to purchase, with an alternative agenda .... for instance, one episode was a young girl looking for a small living space, akin to a caravan, but in the form of a small house.  There were compromises to be made, and a lot of character to the three tiny properties she was shown.

Another episode of the same show followed a couple looking for a rural property with a main house, but the sort of rustic accommodation you are considering as a form of income.  They settled on a main house that had ruins of stone sheds and barns, which were going to be the basis for the holiday accommodations once they were refurbished in rustic style.

The show from America is about creating personalised "trailer" homes - akin to a caravan, and able to be towed behind a large vehicle.  They contain loft bedrooms above general living space, kitchen and bathroom facilities, and the new owners have to pare down their ideas about possessions, and acomatise to living in very close proximity to each other.  These sort of trailer homes would be novel here in Australia ....

If you search online for tiny houses, you will come across ideas for those.  See what you think ....

🌷💕

Re: Caring for my mother

image.jpeg

@querentxyz ..... 😊

Re: Caring for my mother

Thanks Faith-and-Hope.,

 

Re: Caring for my mother

Things are going pretty well.

Mum is mostly leaving me in peace., I am trying to accept and adjust to knowing that she will not be able to ever respect boundaries, I'll always come away from a talk with her feeling confused and probably upset. I realise I want to drink a lot after talking about assault with my Mum, but instead I can do something else like have a shave and a shower and put on some comfortable clothes, by the time I do that I have forgotten all about wanting to drink.

I'm getting a lot out of the psychologist visits. I was asking her about forgiveness. She kind of says, forget about forgiveness, do what's right for your values, and doing that doesn't mean that you have to like the person or feel good about being with them, you're just doing what works according to your worldview. After that, I may see my Dad some time.

She says if you are just hating tasks, take a week off from them and start fresh afterwards. On that note I'm trying to study, my teacher sort of went awol on me, I was waiting for the green light but it never came, but it doesn't matter, I'm just going ahead with my project anyway. I have to submit a project proposal in a week so he can respond to that. After that week I'm going to do nothing for a week.

I seem to have adjusted to the antipsychotic that I'm on and I've doubled the dose up without any bad effects, instead I'm tolerating the dose very well, I'm feeling very comfortable with a much clearer mind and I am finding it much easier to sleep. My mind has felt really foggy and slow but now I feel like I can think properly again, and I don't have the extreme fatigue I was feeling. I don't think I'm going to go off this drug again in future, because it is so effective for me. I just need to be self-disciplined enough to get into bed before 11pm. (Working on it.)

xoxox ❤️

Re: Caring for my mother

Hi @querentxyz .... 😊

Its good to hear all your feedback.  It sounds like things have stabilised a lot for you ....that's really great .... 💕

Re: Caring for my mother

Back at home now! It is really difficult. But now that I've had some time away, I think I can handle it better, because I've had a break.

What is really difficult is always remembering that I will need to be able to handle it. I have to go into every interaction with Mum thinking "this isn't going to be good". I always let my guard down and I always think that I'm going to have the type of interaction that I have with other people. I find it really difficult to remind myself and to remember that it's not going to be like that.

Re: Caring for my mother

Hi @querentxyz

I'm glad you're posting here, so we can walk along with you ...

Wanna join us on the Hot Chocolate Anyone ? thread for a morning cuppa ?

🌷💜

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