Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

I'm just trying to put my emotions on here so they dont eat me up.

I was going so well last night and then I said something that I know is a trigger for my partner, it was something about intimacy and I wanted to discuss but I guess my timing was not so good.  Either it came out wrong or he was just so badly triggered by it that he went right off at me. I have had no sleep as he kept yelling at me through the night and even this morning.  I'm just trying to keep calm at the moment so I dont start crying or breaking down at work. Its like they expect us to get over BPD over night and as soon as I do something that is "BPD" i get told how useless I am and that I'm just like every other BPD person out there, all we do is cause pain and chaos for everyone. Right now I'm numb and worried about going home later, infact he has told me in a rage not to come home. I know what I said was wrong but I didnt mean it the way it came out and he never lets me explain and just says that I'm lying and being manipulative - I tried apologising a few times but it was too late. I didnt react to him in the sense I didnt yell I just stood there and took it. I dont know what to think as soon as he starts on me its like my whole world comes crumbling down no matter how good I have been - I really hate that about myself.... I can feel the darkness coming over me right now and trying to fight it but I dont know if I have the energy or strength....

[Lunar]

Hello @Change123,

That sounds like a really exhausting night, no wonder you are feeling flat today. I hope you are able to do something today that can help you feel more calm, are there things that you can do after work to get some space and clear your head for a bit? It's really good that you are writing on here to help let your emotions out.

I know you said you weren't able to tell him about why you brought that topic up, but could you send him a message that is more clear about why you brought up that subject? Sometimes writing to one another will help communicate better, it sounds like a miscommunication between you two?

Please feel free to talk and share with us how you are doing, but try to do some self-care as you have had a restless night.

Lunar

[Change123]

@Lunar

I'm a bit scared actually, I tried thismorning to explain but he is not in a good way - I think I have triggered his bipolar and he is just raging at me, throwing things at me etc etc. He has a mate coming over today so I'm hoping he will calm down but he told me not to come home at all but I have no choice and he knows that.  I have tried writing things down and he hates it he says - he just wants me to be "normal" and wont accept that things will never be "normal" he wants me to "get over" BPD - I'm trying so hard but it feels like its in vein.  The only person I want to acknowledge my efforts is him but he doesnt - I havent even told him about the new strategy I'm trying with emotional discipline.  It was a definite miscommunication I was trying to talk about something I didnt like as I thought he wanted me to discuss these things openley and I have issues with intimacy but he has taken it as me telling him that its his fault when I never pointed the finger I just asked him to stop for a sec and tried talking but he just took it all the wrong way or I said it the wrong way.

Through all this I'm still trying to be disciplined, I want to cry, scream and have a fit myself but I know that will defeat any work I have done so I'm trying so hard to stay calm but my chest is really hurting (anxiety). I might try and go for a walk at lunch to calm down some more.

Thanks for answering @Lunar feeling very alone right now.

[Change123]

SORRY I just need to talk, if this is his bipolar being triggered or PTSD what is the best thing for me to do, I find trying to reason with him at this stage is no point and only escalates things but sometimes if I avoid him so there is no confrontation that can anger him aswell.  Its like I have no choice but to endure the wrath, I know I am also to blame I dont ever take myself out of the equation like he thinks I do but when he gets like this he scares me as I dont know what he will do, he is so unpredictable.  I have no where to go, no friends or family, noone at all that I can talk to, I am in reality ALL ALONE. My dog was scared this morning he was hiding in the shower, I dont know anymore this has thrown me for a 6 when I'm not prepared for it and I thought things were going so well. I keep feeling myself sliding and I'm trying so hard to keep myself up thats why I'm posting right now to try and get rid of some of these feelings.  I guess the main thing feeling right now is fear and I guess abandonement because he doesnt want me around, he has said that but also stated that we are stuck in the position we are in for now, then another time he will tell me how much he loves me and wants to make a life with me?????

Now my boss wants me to do something that is conflict orientated so I'm trying to postpone that till tomorrow as I couldnt handle it now.

OMG I have rewritten this post so many times as I'm trying not to be too "pathetic" sounding in need of attention but I am - I hate that!

[Lunar]

Sorry that you feel all alone right now @Change123, we are here listening and here for that support right now. People might just be at work and not replying yet but maybe after work a walk and some time to yourself might be helpful ? It is good his mate is coming over and might help him also calm down.

Just try to bring yourself back to now and getting through work today, miscommunication's happen and it can just be about getting some space when the feelings are raw and then talking about it later.

Try do some breathing exercises or have a herbal tea if you are feeling tight in the chest and anxious 🙂

Lunar

[Change123]

Thanks @Lunar

I guess I know I can handle my emotions but what I cant handle is the not knowing of what I'm in for when I get home - thats if he lets me in as he was threatening to lock me out.  If he does that what do I do?  I have no where to go, no one I can see.

I totally understand how things are raw and calm down later but it rarely happens with him. If he gets upset with me its not a day or so for him to get over it - we can be talking weeks that I will have him yelling at me and making me feel worthless.  He will carry it on and on until I break and am a crying mess and then he will go one further to put the boot in. I dont feel he loves me infact I feel he hates me and just wants to see me punished and hurt as payback. I have been doing breathing excercises but I guess as the day is half way over I'm just getting more anxious and scared for what awaits.

I also dont know what help is mate will be, there has been times when someone is over and he acts nice to me and the second they are gone his is throwing insults at me.

[Change123]

Well things are not much better today, I slept on the lounge last night and will be by the sounds of it for quite a while. When I got home all was quiet and then I took a nap as I'm really exhausted and that then gets my BPD worse.  I think I was trying to sleep for about an hour when all of a sudden the lights came on and he started all over again yelling and screaming and saying he didnt want me home.  I remained calm and spent most of the night in another oom with my dog.  Slept a bit more last night as I had a massive headache and took a strong pain killer which has a bit of a sedative in it and that knocked me out a bit.  

Just keep putting one foot in front of the other.........

[Shaz51]

Hello @Change123

how are you now my friend xx

I was really worried about you , hope you are ok

sending you a hug

take care xx

Hello @NikNik, @suzanne, @Shimmer, @Lunar xx

[Change123]

Thanks @Shaz51

Internet at work had problems so havent been able to get on for a few hours.

I'm staying calm and keeping myself that way, I atleast got some sleep last night but not much on a small lounge but atleast I got to sleep.  Will see what awaits when I get home but I do remain calm with him as I know it just makes it escalate more. I'm just really exhausted and fed up but I still keep putting one foot in front of the other - I dont know I'm like a robot I just dont know when to quit - dont know if thats a good thing or not? I had a potentially very confrontational situation this morning at work with the post office again but I kept my cool and I guess being so tired I thought I dont need the extra stress of this and just noted it all down for my boss but it went suprisingly well the people I saw this time were rude or argumentative like the last lot.

So considering I'm ok I guess.

Thanks again its nice to feel someone cares.

Big hugs to you to shaz.

[Appleblossom]

Glad those feet are still taking the steps. @Change123

I was struck by your inner knowledge about 'knowing when to quit'.

It is a huge issue

There is no right answer

Yeah sometimes it is a good thing ..

as it makes you a "stayer"

someone who 

'goes the distance'

Yeah but it is a different skill 

to know when

to step back

to walk away

to go mum

Still learning about all these things meself.

cheers Apple