Lived Experience Forum

[Melbpdptsd]

Hey everyone out there lol. My name is Mel and I am a 44 yo Australian female. I always find the concept of introductions awkward. Instantly I begin to mentally syphen through what should I include in my “synopsis”  and what should I not divulge for fear of “whatever the hell we get fear over”  = rejection, judgement, abandonment, misunderstanding.

My God for someone who SO deeply CRAVES authentic connection and acceptance I sure have some sky high walls in place. Nearly nuzzled behind those are a labrynth of seemingly disjointed and seperate quests…  I mean even the dedicated, ambitious and committed hero would need to wade/climb/battle/defeat who know what to arrive at the “?????”

I have no idea who the fuck I am.

I have been romanticising about someone actually understanding me and loving me instrinsically but I have a long long long ways to go before I even can say that about myself.

anyways… there’s a glimpse.

Baha I get annoyed at introductions.

oh how I wish I were a daisy. So plain simple and sweet. Everyone likes Daisies right? 
I am a self made recluse with a devastating yearning for somewhere to belong yet barely get out my front door with out a panic attack and self loathing session.

anyway that kinda felt good to just vent whole pile of crap.

peace ✌️ (Bahaha yeah right!?)

[maddison]

Hi @Melbpdptsd welcome to the forums😊

Oh yes introducing oneself can be so... Unusual?

I think you did a great job💚

It's really hard to open ourselves up. Especially to a new place, with new people... Here on SANE.

Thankfully, there are SO many nice, non- judgmental people here, & lots might share the exact same feelings you are describing! 

Well done reaching out😊 it's a huge step. I think you did great!

I really like your funny vibe too!

Humour, light heartedness are awesome qualities...& We need them to help us navigate all those dark times. 

I'm sure one of the other members will reply & help you navigate areas of the forums that might be helpful for you.

@Daisydreamer @tyme @hanami 

@wellwellwellnez @Shaz51 

Please help me welcome @Melbpdptsd  xx

[tyme]

Hey @Melbpdptsd ,

Welcome to the forums! It seems like you are describing my former life lol.

Yearning for connection, yet having the walls of Jericho up. 

Arghhh. I'm sure others can also relate @BPDSurvivor .

You can have a browse through these if you are interested:

1) Raising Awareness of BPD - Flipping the Script 

2) Topic Tuesday// Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Week 2022: 'See The Person'// Tues 27th Se... 

I'm glad your little vent helped. Look forward to seeing you around 🙂

Thanks for the tag @maddison ,

tyme

[Shaz51]

Hello and welcome @Melbpdptsd ❤

[Melbpdptsd]

Oooh can so relate to the cat connection (or animal connection at least) - there’s no fear of judgement or abandonment- just total acceptance. 

[hanami]

Hi @Melbpdptsd 

So great to have you here! Welcome! Thank you so much for sharing your story.

Venting and spilling out 'guts' usually feels pretty good. Whether it's writing it down or speaking it out loud, I find it's better when it's out of your head.

I'll look forward to seeing you around.

Thanks for the tag @maddison . I hope you are going ok? x

Hanami ❤️

[Judi9877]

Hi there @Melbpdptsd and welcome to the SANE forums👋! I see you’ve already met @maddison @hanami @Shaz51 @tyme .

Great introduction by the way. I also struggle with this as I’m concerned I might say the wrong thing and upset people or over share and make things worse for myself and others so I understand where you’re coming from. All good in the hood as the saying goes!  I have BPD as one of my mental illnesses along with schizophrenia and depression and I can understand what it’s like to not know fully who you are and not to really belong. I’ve got to a point whereby I just slowly meddle my way through life and hope for the best, doing what I can to make myself happy whenever possible. Having coping strategies in place and doing self care routines helps me as well with knitting and crochet being my go to strategies at the moment which I’m feeling good doing, especially as I’m making blankets for charity so that’s a positive. 

I look forward to seeing you around the forums soon!

Take care.

Judi9877☺️💐

[Beesummer]

Hi, I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar & PTSD, brought on by childhood trauma from living with a narcissistic mother and a 20 year marriage to a man my mother chose for me (he was hers first, confirmed by him earlier this year). My life has consisted of family & domestic violence, physical, emotional and psychological abuse, since before I was born, until earlier this year. After divorcing my now ex husband and my youngest child, who has a physical disability, choosing to live independently with NDIS, (I was his full time carer for 16 years), I left my hometown, family, children and have had no contact with my past for months. I have struggled with mental health issues, and substance abuse on/off since 14 but I am currently straight & sober, only taking medication prescribed by a psychiatrist. 

It is difficult, lonely and terrifying trying to rebuild a new life in a new town with no contact from family or so called friends I left in my hometown. I live with anxiety and crippling fears, of differing levels every day, so making social connections is difficult as trusting anybody again is challenging.

However I am still determined and hopeful for my future and strive to build and live a life free from abuse.

One step at a time, one day at a time

[Melbpdptsd]

@Beesummer hi there and welcome. Wow when I read your post I had to question myself if I had written it. Such similar journeys. 

I only joined this platform like two days ago and when I read “terrifying trying to rebuild a new life in a new town with no contact from family or so called friends I left in my hometown. I live with anxiety and crippling fears, of differing levels every day, so making social connections is difficult as trusting anybody again is challenging.”

I felt you in my soul. 

we maybe could be good sounding boards for each other.

narcissistic mother ✔️

family & domestic violence✔️

physical, emotional and psychological abuse✔️

mental health issues ✔️

substance abuse on/off since teenager✔️

new town ✔️

anxiety and craving connection✔️

said anxiety making social interaction almost impossible ✔️

I think you may be my spirit animal 😻

but seriously babe reading your post touched my heart and although I have no “answers” - fuck I’m still trying to figure out what the questions are…

who am i

what do I want/need

what don’t I want/need

What can I do to push through to this “self-acceptance” stage of my recovery…

I’ve found this platform very non intrusive and yeah it’s nice to realise you’re not alone. 

sending love and light energy your way 🙏

[Beesummer]

@Melbpdptsd

Hi, thanks for your reply. When I read your post, I totally understood all of what you wrote too and loved the way you expressed yourself in your welcome. I too dislike introductions and second guess myself, that I will be judged or picked apart for something I say that might be wrong or fear of offending someone. 

Even reading back what I wrote, (and yes it is just a snippet of my story too), I get that disattached feeling again, like this cannot possibly be my life, it reads like something from a movie or fictional book, and I even feel fear that I will be disbelieved, as being labeled 'crazy' by mother at a young age, I believed the life I lived was 'normal' and I was indeed 'crazy', but I know now that is not the truth. I have since learnt, that sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction and I know what I have lived through and survived.

I am in the same phase, also 44 years old and wondering the same

Who am I?

What do I want for the next part of my life?

I have a strong desire for peace, simpleness and contentment, but find I live most days in turmoil, afraid and battling with myself to even open the door and take part in my own life. The fear is so overwhelming in the moments before I venture out there

And yes, it's very true and reassuring to know you're not alone and there are others out there who just 'get it' and understand

Love, light & peace right back at ya ❤️🌞🙏