Bipolar

[Tina11]

Thank you for adding me to the group.  My daughter has had a complicated diagnosis for the past 9 years including BiPolar, autism, adhd and ptsd.  A recent episode of psychosis has left me feeling helpless.  

We have set up a terriffic team of professionals for her care and are desperately trying to keep her out of hospital but it is very hard to deal with the distance she needs from me.

How do carers deal with this heartbreak of distance between their loved ones and themselves?

[tyme]

Hey @Tina11 ,

Welcome to the forums. 

Just so I have it right, are you saying your daughter would like a bit of space, but you find it hard to give her space as a parent?

Sorry if I haven't got it right.

[Tina11]

You know I think that is exactly right. she is only young and I have learned to give her space and let her develop independence, but it is when she is acutely unwell like after a medication change that our relationship changes and me being the nurturer finds it difficult that I cant seem to communicate with her.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Tina11  and welcome to the forums 🙂

We hope that you find the forums a great place to connect with other members, share stories and ideas, and find the support and connection you deserve.

 Feel free to Introduce yourself here if you haven’t already!

You've posted to the Lived Experience Forum, which is completely fine, however you may find that you also connect with other carers on our Friends, Family and Carers Forum here too.

It must be very difficult when you just want to be there for your child, however I can hear that you're respecting her need for autonomy, too. Do you have any formal supports, or people you can talk to? 

Having a support when we are supporting others is so important. Carers Australia may also have further information, or be able to refer you to some local supports, if that is something you are interested in.

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/about-us/our-member-organisations/

[Tina11]

Apologies if I have posted in the wrong forum I am not the best with technology. haha
thank you for giving me that information about carers australia and I do have a counsellor myself but I wanted to speak to some people who are also carers and understand similar issues.

[8ppleTree]

Hi @Tina11 

You haven't posted in the wrong forum at all, feel free to post wherever you like! 🙂

Hopefully you can find the links and supports you're after here, as many people will have experienced the emotional distress that comes from stepping in to care and then having to disconnect and step back when the person needs to assert their autonomy. It can leave us feeling like there is an empty space, and the anxiety we felt for them, which before we could manage with our caring actions no longer has the same outlet. It can be quite painful 😢

Knowing that someone actively cares, and is willing to step in and out for us though, is a huge support x 

[Tina11]

Thank you so much, that makes a lot of sense, and yes it can be painful but it must be terrifying for her to step into the unknown.
I guess as long as I know I will always be there when needed it has made me feel better. thank you again. xx

[tyme]

Hey @Tina11 , 

I'm not sure how old your daughter is, but wanted to say that with mental health, there are times when carers need to be more wary, and times when we need to empower them and give them space. They may fumble and flounder a little, but this is part of the learning.

I cannot tell you what to do as it sounds like there are a number of things at play here. Have you spoken to your child's treating team and asked them for advice?

I thought I'd also share my own experiences here. As a young adult, I wanted space from my parents. I knew they were worried but I really needed space to find myself and get on my own two feet. My mental health was absolutely terrible at that time. I just needed to get away. I ended up not talking to them for about 10 years and stopped seeing them. This was not because I hated them or didn't like them. I just wanted space and didn't want to feel smothered by them. 

I recognise this is terribly hard for any parent. Yet throughout all those years, I always knew my parents loved me and were open to me seeing them and talking to them. And yes, when i was ready, I did. The time I was given allowed me to make mistakes, but made me stronger. That's why I'm here today. 

@Tina11 , I wonder if you could just always let your child know you are there for them, and ask them to reach out to you when they felt up to it?

What do you think?

[Tina11]

You are spot on and have given me much food for thought. I really appreciate this new way of looking at it. We are currently in the process of extending her care team and supporting her independence, but I feel comforted by you sharing your experience and understand what I might do different. Thank you again so much. I am so glad to have shared on this forum now.

[tyme]

Hugs @Tina11 ,

Just think of it this way. The goal in recovery is to promote independence. Rather than 'save' her, the work is around teaching her to save herself. And yes, I'm not saying this will be easy. There will be falls and tumbles along the way. Remember, this is how we all learn.

Falling and tumbling is how we learn to stand on our own two feet and learn to walk.

In my recovery, it was hard to get discharged from services because it was scary. Yet the discharge meant I couldn't lean on a 'walking stick' anymore. I HAD to put in practice everything I'd gleaned from all the support I'd received.

Let your child know you love them and you will always be there for them. Yet empower them to come to you when they feel ready. 

We look forward to hearing how it goes. I'm not promising it will happen over night. It takes time and patience.