this is a bit ranty. i hope it makes sense.
i am having a difficult time at the moment- in the last few months i was a passenger in my first car-crash (thankfully only mild whiplash but the car was written off by a truck running in to us), i have been processing a difficult breakup, and have struggled with ongoing trauma issues related to sexual abuse in childhood and other sorts of traumatic experiences throughout my 20s, all while adapting to studying full-time at university a mature age first-year student, with a low-income, surviing on student allowance alone.
i am doing a minor in Indigenous Studies at university, which is forcing me to look at my identity as a fair-skinned woman with Aboriginal heritage being raised in White Australian culture, as filtered through a dutch family who migrated here in ww2. This questioning, both intellectual and emotional are bringing up some difficult thoughts and feelings- ones that are tied to my relationship with my estranged father, who was my abuser in childhood, as well as broader family relationships and how these family relationships are tied to social/cultural/political influences throughout australian history.
it is overwhelming, which is what i had expected from my engagement with academia on these issues but was not prepared for the emotional weight that comes with it, and I'm struggling with my ability to communicate all of this with the people close to me - i have a small but strong support network but currently i am fearful of either reproach, dismissal or pity by them, as ive been struggling with depressive episodes for quite a few years now and i feel guilty about putting them through it.
i am also not close with other people in my position in terms of fair-skinned Aboriginality disconnected from that culture (which features feelings of anger, grief, shame, self-doubt and fear), and i dont know how to bring up my issues with my distant family members who are in touch with their aboriginality, because it is so hard to express myself, and i feel so sad about everything related to that side of my family, and i find it very difficult to share my sadness with other people. i'm the kind of person to make a dark joke to hide my own pain, i tend to hide it, which must be a coping mechanism from childhood.
With all this, combined with other trauma related things (jumpiness, hypervigilance, trust issues) I am experiencig a lot of anxiety, and feel clammed up, feeling pretty tortured about my feelings and thoughts and my inability to express them with any sort of satisfaction.
i have been seeing a counsellor through uni to help with the trauma issues but i do not have another appointment until next week so im just sort of hoping that, in the meantine, someone out there may have been through or is going through something similar, or for just any kind of advice, support, anything to help me feel less alone!
