Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I've had a confusing and extremely long day.. my youngest got up at 4:30...... WHY? it was ok... i was already awake but not really ready to get up in the cold! He's since had the worst day he's had in a while, he's extremely full on behaviour wise and it was just an off day. I think i have several bites that broke the skin on me and bruises. So hard to deal with. Also had to go into town because rent due and no food left in the house. It was sunny when we left. Got to town, paid rent.. kids were being ok so went to get a coffee.. rare treat.. last day of school holidays.. came out of coffee shop and it was quite dark and cloudy.. thought we'd better go do the shopping quickly! Half way to shopping it absolutely poured so hard that couldnt see that great, highway slowed to 40ks which suited me fine when all of a sudden the car in front of me was spinning in circles and another car was bouncing off the other lane and into a low wall. I have no idea how i didnt hit the car in front of me (or it didnt hit me in its spin) but we ended up on the middle island of the highway. My heart is still doing crazy beats. I dont remember how my car got up on the island. I had to ask the kids if the car had hit us. They had no idea what i was talking about! once i was able to i got out and checked that people were ok (no major injuries just bruising i think) and my car was fine. But all afternoon i've been thinking about it.. and also thinking about some stuff that my psychologist was talking about just yesterday. in that our brains can just take over our bodies, That some of the things that happen, the way we react during trauma in our childhood is because of our bodies just taking over. We were talking about blame etc. Kind of in a way experiencing this today really has kind of confirmed wha she was saying and maybe is helping me accept that my non action in bad times or my frozen inability to do anything, the dissociations really weren't something that i could control. But i feel numb now. Like just admitting that is too much. or maybe still the aftermath of the accident. Maybe things will seem clearer tomorrow. Does anyone else have trouble accepting things in their psychologist sessions/counselling etc? Im not someone who finds it easy to 'just believe' or trust i guess.. not that i usually need a car accident to make a point! 

LJ

[hiddenite]

Hi Lj
that was a really full on day. I'm glad that you and your children are ok.
Better light the fire a nice smelling candle and a really soft blanket you've had a big day. Maybe a nice cup of tea.
sending you some gentle hugs tonight , you are probably a bit sore.
perhaps a nice bath.....
I'm with you I do have trouble trusting people. I feel that trust is earned not just given.
I also have problems accepting things un psych sessions.
they do not know me and have no idea what my existence has been like. But they judge and easily label.
please take care
karen

[Former-Member]

Thanks Karen, ( @hiddenite )

I think i will light a candle, i love different scents, smells are very soothing to me (or very triggering) but my favourite at the moment is a vanilla and lavender candle. I think i'll light that one. Hope you are going ok tonight too and also doing something nice just for you.

LJ

[hiddenite]

Hey lj
the candle sounds perfect. I sure do understand about smells triggering.
Exhausted after the girls having their first appointment with the Australian Childhood Foundation. Hard enough to get them there. They spent the rest of the day either crying uncontrollable or screaming at me.
I feel like the worst mother.
Darkness overwhelms me and those awful thoughts

[Former-Member]

oh no 😞 that sounds terrible Karen. poor girls. But it doesnt make you a terrible mother. I'm sure that you comforted them and looked after them well. Im sad that it didnt go better for them today. You are doing amazing things for you girls, try to keep hope that things will get better. Sending some warm and gentle light from the candle your way. My lil guy did not do well with the near miss today. he really was awful afterwards. He screams that he hates me, then clings onto me and says i love you. Its just his coping mechanism to get angry somehow i dont know.

here with you tonight 

LJ

[hiddenite]

Thanks. I know how that feels too being told they hate me. That its my fault for their dads death. And that they hate living with my parents.
Can't get anything right.
I try so hard never feels like its enough.
So complicated

[kristin]

Hey @Former-Member 

What a full-on exhausting day. I'm so glad you are all ok. I think those situations are ever so much more terrifying when the kids are with you. 

I DO understand what you mean about the brain shutting down and the body taking over. This is "lizard-brain" doing its job. Getting us through the moment, living even if we cannot tell the tale because we can't remember. But we live. Sometimes it will throw us into flight or fight, but for those who are very vulnerable and powerless it's most liekly to go into freeze. That's where the dissociation happens. I've had to face up to rather a lot of this myself. I guess I also struggled when I first heard about it (and no I don't just believe what others tell me - even my psych who I do trust after 4 years). I tend to read a lot myself about things like this so I get the knowledge frist-hand from the source. Here's an on-line article which may be helpful, although in parts it gets a little technical.

It sounds like in spite of the accident (or even in part because of it) you have a high level of insight, and are actually relating what your psych has told you in a theoretical sense to your own immediate experience, that's great. It takes openness, thoughfulness, and intelligence to do that so quickly. Good on you! Karen is right; trust is something that takes time - for anyone, and much more so for trauma survivors. 

Sorry to hear about your little boy. My 6yo is similar. I haven't quite got to the point of being blamed for what happened with her dad yet, but I expect it will come.

Take care of you, enjoy those relaxation things to help unwind some of the days traumas.

Hope for growth and self-insight endures...

Kindest regards,

Kristin

[kristin]

Dear Karen, 

I'm so sorry to hear it has been such a horrendous day for you all. It sounds like whatever they did at ACF might have been too much too quickly. Not helpful for anyone, especially kids.

Kids don't always understand quite what they want, or why. The person they tend to lash out at is usually the person who they trust to love them anyway - you. It is very painful to experience, but please don't take it to heart too much. They are hurting and their behaviour is saying "mummy we know you love us so much that you won't hurt us even though we are hurting you". If you were really a terrible mum they would be far too cowed to behave this way. They would be mute with terror (in freeze, which you've experienced a lot yourself).

Holding you all in my prayers.

Hope for helpful help for our children endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[hiddenite]

Thanks for the different perception . Unfortunately my girls react like that when they have to go anywhere strange. Or their routine is changed.

[Former-Member]

@kristin Thankyou for that article, I'm the same, i like to go reading for more information.. evidence and just different points of views on things so that i can really see if i an trust it or argue with it... Its silly but i think i'm accepting that things werent my fault, the trauma i went through was horrific at times and Ive been going through this crazy cylce today of feeling relieved followed by a major panic meltdown. Have no idea what thats about.

@hiddenite and kristin, my two always blame me for everything. They see their father as a wonderful hero who brings them presents and chocolate to every supervised access visit which is in a childcare centre filled with toys and videos and games. While my lil guy doesnt usually come home happy from these visits - he's often withdrawn and so sad for the rest of the day then unspeakably angry for the next 3/4 days... theyre always happy to go to the visits (which frustrates me sometimes!! even though i encourage it immensely and make it positive for them) and i sometimes get told 'i want dad he's nice' or 'i'll tell dad and he'll get it for me', if i say no something or they are in trouble. I sometimes have to bite my tongue to keep from telling them what it was like when he was with us. they were never allowed any toys except birthdays/christmas. No nice clothes/ snacks, etc. But they dont remmeber that small stuff. My lil guy was only 2 and half when we left and lil miss was nearly 5. The vision they have of him now is the one that is most important to them. I agree with kristin try not to take what they say to heart. They have a very small view of the world and can't see the larger picture like we can. You know you're doing what you are to help them and make sure that they grow up strong and safe. 

LJ