Lived Experience Forum

[M_P90]

I've had a lot of complex trauma and mental health issues. I appear relatively normal to those around me and I am always hiding the trauma. Today at work I was rushed with adrenaline and had to sit in my car and it took me so long to remember to breathe. I did some grounding. Then carried on at work as if I'm not fighting my own biochemistry all the time. I find it hard to keep my system in balance and even though I'm down to three days of work a week, at day 3 I'm in overwhelm. I'm on this weird borderline of not having a "disability" but I simply just can't do as much as someone without complex trauma. I push myself emotionally and financially to do therapy, lots of therapy, but I wonder if this is the ceiling? Is this the best I'm going to get? I hate when people on social media make statements of "I'm not going to let this trauma limit me" like that's a choice! I have been determined as anyone to not let trauma limit me but I'm freaking out in my car in the middle of a work day. And I'm at day 3 of my reduced work week and I'm so overwhelmed. 

[MDT]

Sitting with you friend

[Rhye]

Hi there @M_P90,

I just wanted to say I think you're incredibly strong for getting back up, despite all these struggles, and persisting with the things that hard in life but are worth persisting with – therapy and work are two important recovery factors, though ironically both are really challenging when you're battling with complex trauma and subsequent mental health issues, and I hear you there!

What I noticed in your post was that when you felt overwhelmed you took yourself to a space where it sounds you felt safe and you implemented breathing and grounding exercises. This is huge, it truly is, and I know it doesn't always resolve the feelings of adrenaline rush and the overwhelm, but what it does overtime is that it signals to your core self that you are worth taking care of and putting that time in to heal.

We don't have a crystal ball in life, and sometimes that's a good thing...is this as good as it gets? We don't know definitively (I too ask myself this question when I'm struggling), but we always have the opportunity to make the most of the present moment, and when you're struggling just to get through these moments, sometimes the best you can do is to give yourself a fighting chance to rest and recover so you can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

What you've described in your post is a person who is a survivor, @M_P90. That is a powerful trait, and I'm sure there are many in this community who can relate to what you've described. I'm going to tag a few community members who might share a similar experience or can relate to elements of your story @Bow @Fluttershy1 @outlander @Emelia8 @Judi9877 @Clawde @Sophia1 

Rhye ☘️

[Molly22]

@M_P90 I'm not sure I have any answers for you but I would like you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

I also have CPTSD from growing up in an abusive situation.  For the longest time, decades and decades, all I ever wanted was to be 'normal'.  But trauma changes you.  It just does.  There are some things I don't think we ever get over, and I'm not even sure we should.  All we can do is our best in each moment.  There will always be good days and bad days.  There will always be triggers.  

There is hope.  Slowly, sometimes very very slowly, things that once triggered us, don't do so with quite the intensity as before.  And then there will be days when they trigger us badly.  It's never a straight line.

One thing I have tried to do with myself is look for the blessings.  I am not normal.  As a recently diagnosed autistic, I will never be 'normal'.  But that's just fine with me.  I don't actually think I want to be anymore.  There are things that I can appreciate that most others would not even recognise.  I am sure if you look for them, you will also find things about you own life and situation that make you special in your own way.  Yes trauma sucks.  In a perfect world it would never exist.  But it does.  And there will always be those day that we sit in our cars crying.  And I am so sorry for that.

As far as the disability goes.  I know that feeling only too well.  I have never been able to do what others can easily do.  I look perfectly normal on the outside, and yet there are so many aspect of life that leave me feeling completely disabled.  Finding out at age 55 that I technically am disabled was both a blessing and a curse.  And I heard the world 'disability' described to me this way.... the world the way it is set up right now with societal expectations etc, dis-ables those of us who don't quite fit the 'mould' of the social-media driven model of perfection.  There is nothing at all wrong with us.  We are probably some of the strongest most capable people you will ever meet, cause frankly, we had to be. But the world as it currently is, is not allowing us to shine for who we really are.  And we have so much to offer.  Our life experiences have taught us strength and compassion and a sense of justice, and much much more.

Hang tough.  And if you need to sit and cry in the car, then sit and cry in the car.  No shame.  

[Rhye]

Beautifully said @Molly22 💜💜

[Bow]

Hey @M_P90  i can really relate to what you have shared and I’m really sorry that you are stuck in this awful place. What you said about feeling like your on that borderline of not having a disability but not being able to function like a normal person really resonated with me particularly. I think that is the real challenge of living with a mental health condition, sometimes folks can manage to a certain extent, but you can very easily reach your capacity. I like the analogy of spoons, it’s usually looked at from a daily tally, but you could very well use it from a weekly one. Not sure if you’ve heard of it before? 

i think it’s important to remember the impact that trauma does have on us. Both mentally and physically. Please be kind to yourself. 

[Jo-anneJoy]

login="M_P90" uid="28253"> wrote:

I've had a lot of complex trauma and mental health issues. I appear relatively normal to those around me and I am always hiding the trauma. Today at work I was rushed with adrenaline and had to sit in my car and it took me so long to remember to breathe. I did some grounding. Then carried on at work as if I'm not fighting my own biochemistry all the time. ...

Hey there @M_P90   I will make a gentle suggestion that shifting away from using combative language (such as fighting, battling) can be helpful.  Befriending your body, regarding the complexity of trauma/MI issues as companions is to make space for what is unwelcome and uninvited. 

Give it a whirl and give it time.  Catch yourself when you think "I am so tired of fighting this" and change the internal script.  It's the monkey mind. 

[CrazyChick]

Hi @M_P90,

I find that many interpretations of disability seem to exclude the huge effects that mental health difficulties especially trauma have on our ability to live our lives.  Mental health difficulties are disabling - they prevent us from doing things we would otherwise be able to do. But because mental health is invisible, the effects are not recognised in the same way as disabilities caused by other things. Some people and systems treat invisible disabilities like they might be made up or exagerated. So if we want assistance we need to prove that we are struggling, which can be humiliating to put ourselves down in this way.

Although there are many advantages in the belief that people can recover from mental health conditions - it is not realistic to expect that everyone will completely return to how things were before getting a mental health diagnosis. Just like cancer treatment may not return someone to their pre-cancer functioning, some may get complete remission, some partial recovery or may relapse, for some treatment may make things worse. Many mental health conditions such as depression have a good chance of complete recovery, if treated early and effectively. But it can never be certain how an individual will respond to treatment. Just because there are treatments that can help, doesn't mean that they will be miracles - or that we should need to put everything (emotionally, financially & time) into these treatments. Sometimes I think we push ourselves too hard to keep going as things were, and expect that the harder we try the more likely we will get there. But sometimes we may need to ease up on the pressure on ourselves, cut ourselves some slack, and allow ourselves space and time to heal. From your comments perhaps consider whether pushing yourself in your work and your therapy is really helping you heal. Are there other options that would help you feel better? I can't tell you what would help you, but some people find that trauma helps them to decide to make changes to suit their needs rather than what they think they should be doing - like changing career to one that is less stressful, moving to a preferred area, taking up a dream hobby, having a holiday, connecting with others who have gone through similar experiences or sharing their story. It is a journey to find out what works for us.

I don't have the answers, but I am also on the journey of healing from trauma. I keep wondering how much longer until I am ok and don't get overwhelmed. I keep wondering if I will never recover. But as I journey I realise I will never be the same person that I was before. My experiences have changed me, and not only for the worse. I have become more compassionate and understanding of others who are struggling. I have a better understanding of myself. I am learning to accept who I am, and to make choices to suit me not what I feel others expect of me. My trauma still knocks me down frequently, but I am trying to appreciate the small improvements from when it happened. Sometimes things improved, only to get much worse than they were before. I thought I was at my lowest, but went lower than I thought possible. I hope I am on my way up now, but know I have a long way to go. I wish you all the best on your journey towards healing. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Lou2u]

Hey @M_P90 thanks for sharing 

I really relate to what you are saying for me its like shards of glass being rubbed into me from behand my eyes dysregulated unsettled discontent and an unknown fear and shame about who is going to notice my  trauma response its impactful on my confidence to function and socially connect so i become a Camelion and hide as much as I can secretly hoping I can blend in I get sooooooooooooooo sensitive and feel like a stranger in a strange land alone disconnected dysregulated

I'm not sure I ever really want to be normal that said im certainly into the currency of health and wellbing and want to feel better to what ever degree possible

All my greatest learning and feelings of connectedness and confidence/growth have been in Peer Groups sharing honestly openly and willingly about how it is for me 

So i regularly participate in group gatherings or Peer Groups think AA NA eGROW ALT2su that get me just out of my comfort zone and give me a safe space to share about how it is for me and listen to other peoples journeys 

It works somehow someway speaking my truth and listening to how others have recovered survived and thrived Maybe give this a go? with a fresh set of eyes and curiosity give it time allow your progress to unfold just a moment day at a time

Eventually the Trauma turns into an old friend a close acquaintance you can accept and allow to roll by like the clouds then you can learn to embody wellbeing and other goodies! 🙂

All said and done its hard the tricky part is it never happens in your time as quickly as you want it happen............ It just happens slowly as your god given capacity allows 

What Ive learn't is lifes better today and im still curious enough to keep going! 

Don't wait for it to happen hunt for it via the way of the peaceful warrior! 🙂

Keep going your worth it and it works if you work it!

Many Regards Lou  

[TinTin1]

I'm sorry to hear what your going through. I guess I had trauma in my life aswell. I developed mental illness because of it. I was a pedestrian walking, and I got touched in the knee by a car, it was at the four way intersection ready to go. I walked out and I got my knee fractured this was in 2000. The year after I went to psychiatric hospital. Then I lost my parents not long time ago.

Those on social media that say don't let this trauma get to you. But do they know what you have to experience?

All I can say is be gentle to yourself. It hard to go thru what your going thru. Alot of times I say to God, why do I have to go thru this mental illness. Before I went into hospital in 2001. I was studying, looking for work in the office. I was pushing myself. That why I had the accident because I was looking for work constantly, when I had the accident something made me think to slow down with looking for work, studying. Sometimes today I still don't listen. When I was younger I had difficulty in schooling. I was in special education. I put myself down.

And I wanted to be like everyone else, being successful in a great job etc. But then I put my self down because I looked at myself as being slow etc.

I'm back to enrolling in Certificate IV in Business at TAFE, I'm going to reduce the study load. But I need to believe in myself, that I can do and finish this course.