Lived Experience Forum

[MagicAnt]

Why do I feel like this?

I'm in a depressive phase of my bipolar II at the moment, and I have started experiencing symptoms I have never had before.

I have been married (I won't say "happily", but I will say as happily married as someone with MI can be) for 12 years, and I have an incredibly loving, caring, and supportive wife.  However, I recently got back in touch with my first love from almost 30 years ago - not intentional, we virtually bumped into each other through a mutual friend on social media.  I wished her well, and she responded by asking me to catch up with her at some time in the future.

I hadn't though about this woman in a long time, and there has been so much water under the bridge.  Now, though, my thoughts about her have become obsessive.  Nothing more than an intense curiosity to find out how her life turned out, and to share my life experience with her - but these "emotions" are some of the strongest I have ever felt about anyone, and I am sad to say, even my lovely wife.  The more I think about her, the more I convince myself that somewhere down the line, we will grow old together.

A few months ago, I spent some time in a private clinic, where many of the people suffered from debilitating anxiety.  I could relate to their anger and their despair, but I remember thinking that I don't know what it must be like to suffer from such high anxiety.  Now, I fear, I do.

I am only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night thinking about this other woman.  I think about her every waking minute.  I get a tightness in my chest, restlessness, sweats, and I am prone to bursting into tears for no apparent reason.  I have been off work for two weeks because of my low, but now I feel like this and I am not sure I can face work and other people feeling like I do.

Is this anxiety?

I have a psychiatrist review in a couple of weeks.  My GP has prescribed something to help me sleep (on top of my antidepressant and mood stabiliser), but might as well have prescribed some M&Ms for all the effect the sleeping pills have had.  I have been working through all of my CBT exercises, but nothing is helping.  

I have been totally upfront with my wife about my obsessive thinking about this other woman, and although she says she is not worried (the woman lives in Melbourne), I know she is worried and I want to stop hurting my best friend in the world.

Does anyone have any coping strategies I might try?  I went for a walk today but it was too bloody cold to stay outdoors for too long!  

I know my posts are becoming longer to read than "War and Peace," but just putting it all out there is a form of therapy in itself.

[CheerBear]

Hi @MagicAnt :)<br><br>Something that stood out to me when reading your post was that you said putting it out there is therapeutic for you. I wonder then, whether writing all of these thoughts and feelings down on some paper when you start to feel a bit consumed by them would help? In the past when I've felt things bubbling away and I struggle to switch off from them, taking a pen to paper and writing whatever comes out, has helped kind of 'release' it from within me. I've also made a box with a little opening in the top and the lid glued down, to post notes to myself. It was for things that really annoyed me that I knew would eat away at me unless I could get them out. The idea was that by putting them in the box I hadn't thrown them away or dismissed their existence, but put them somewhere to the side so I could get on with other things. I ended up giving the box to one of my kids who was having difficulty keeping angry/frustrated comments under control, and they began hurting other people. It's worked well so far for them. <br><br>Just an idea 🙂 Hope you find something that helps you too.

[MagicAnt]

Thanks @CheerBear, the box sounds like a great idea.  Do you ever open the box at a later date to reflect on what you were feeling then and how you are feeling now?

[CheerBear]

I was thinking about doing that but worried that it may be overwhelming @MagicAnt. I think it's helpful sometimes for me just to acknowledge that thoughts or feelings are happening, that they're real and can be full on, but also that they're likely to change one way or another. Often if I fight having them, they just get worse.

Maybe you could write letters? A letter to yourself, your wife, the other woman etc. and not necessarily give them to who they're to but put whatever you want in them. That one has helped me too. I read a letter I wrote to someone who did some terrible things to me, to someone I trusted and found it very cathartic.

It's way too cold for me to walk anywhere at the moment too by the way! Brrrrrr

[MagicAnt]

@CheerBear, you know, come to think of it, it was this very woman who I wrote an unsent letter to after we broke up all those years ago.  I remember sealing it and locking it away.  Years later, I found, opened, and reread it (this was way, way before I knew I was bipolar).  I can't remember specifics , but one sentence remains clear in my mind - it ran along th lines of "... you will never marry into money, it will never make you happy."  I was right and wrong - she did marry into money (a much older guy), but she separated after only a couple of years and her divorce became final just a couple of months ago (it didn't make her happy).  At that time, it really helped me to get through what was a pretty traumatic break up.

Enough of that though, I need to stop dwelling on her and get myself into some sort of routine in preparation for my return to work next week.  I read today that recent research suggests that there are three ways of helping you to overcome anxiety:

1. Do it badly - don't put something off until all the pieces are in place, just jump right in (work, study, home projects, etc).

2. Worry Later - don't worry about things know, but put 10 minutes aside each day to do all your worrying.

3. Help Others - it gives you something to focus on other than your own anxieties.

i might have to give these three tips a go, and your tip about the letters.  Thanks @CheerBear!

[CheerBear]

Quick reply as I'm heading out @MagicAnt but 'worry later' is definitely a helpful one for me 🙂 There's an app you can use for it too (I think it's called Worry Time).

Best of luck with it all and hope to catch you round again soon 🙂