Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[dmu72611]

My partner and I have been together for a little over 18 months, Early in our relationship he told me that he had previously been admitted to a mental health ward and diagnosed with a personality disorder, but at the time I didn't really take it seriously as he seemed so normal.

Well ... things aren't normal now. Some days he withdraws competely and stays in bed with the blankets over his head, sometimes he is happy and full of plans for our future. Often he is unreasonably angry with me and paranoid about my movements - I took too long at the shops today and it turned into a tirade about me not caring and keeping secrets.

He has been through some really tough health issues since we have been together, resulting in two partial foot amputations. He was seen by a phsyciatrist when he was in hospital and diagnosed with depression as he was having suicidal thoughts, however I think he has stopped taking his meds now as he doesn't think he needs them.

I have tried talking to him very gently about his mental health issues ... he has agreed that he needs help but seems unmotivated to actually take steps to make an appointment.

He's hurting, I'm hurting .... what can I do?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @dmu72611

I am so glad you have reached out for help, and I am also glad that you recognise you need help to cope with this situation as much as your partner does.

My circumstances have some similarities with yours, enough to be able to empathise very strongly with you, however there will be services you can contact based on the information you have provided that will bring support and clarity.

There is a helpline at the top of the page here - 1800 18 7263

Also, there are moderators who will provide you with more comprehensive contacts.

@NikNik @CherryBomb  @Fancy_Pants @suzanne

[NikNik]

Hi @dmu72611

Welcome to the Forums! 

It seems like the biggest hurdle here is not so much where to seek help, but building your partner's motivation to make that next step. If he's got help before, he might want to go back to the professionals who were treating him before or start again by seeing a GP to get a referral.

It's such a vicious cycle, isn't it - mental health issues reduce motivation, means people don't get help, which means mental health issue doesn't get resolved, and then we're back at not being motivated.

@sybill07 has shared in this thread about her husband losing motivation to continue his hobby. Sybill07, do you have any tips or experience in building motivation for your partner to seek help?

@Shaz51 also cares for husband and has expressed that he has problems with motivation - Shaz, do you have any advice you'd share with dmu72611?

Welcome again dmu, I hope you find this place helpful 🙂

Nik 

[Shaz51]

hello @dmu72611

welcome to the forum ,

I know totally what you are going through xx

my Husband has had Clinical Depression and anxiety all his life , and now the doctor thinks he might have Bipolar as well

My husband has  bad experiences with phsyciatrists and  mental health workers that he has cancelled all kind of help

It's such a vicious cycle, isn't it - mental health issues reduce motivation, means people don't get help, which means mental health issue doesn't get resolved, and then we're back at not being motivated. _- My husband goes around in cycles

I do everything , I can`t plan anything , he changes his mind all the time

however I think he has stopped taking his meds now as he doesn't think he needs them.-- it has taken years to find the right medication , I know when he has only taken half of the medication and I will tell him that I can tell the difference

i find that  over the years i have had to change my attitude -- when I am calm , my husband is more relaxed

I have cancelled a lots of outings because he has said he doesn`t want to go

If you have any questions please ask me xx and I am sending you Hugs as I know what you are going through

[dmu72611]

Thank you ... I have the help number saved in my phone contacts now and hope to be able to call tomorrow. 

He is behaving very normally now, it's messing with my head! 

[dmu72611]

Thank you NikNik, finding this forum has already been a huge help. I am not really sure if it is a motivation problem with my partner ... maybe more of a case of him not really realising there is a problem? Something he has said to me on a number of occasions is that he has training in physcology and knows what they are looking for .... he has said that he will give them the answers that get him what he wants? And yet he often seems so normal

[Shaz51]

Hello @dmu72611

He is behaving very normally -- yes I go through the same , it is one day at a time here

I also have found that if I push him to get help , he gets worse , I have bitten my tongue so many times , I am still learning

It is hard when they change all the time , but we are strong , take care , keep in touch

I have found the Sane Forum vey helpful

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @dmu72611 @Shaz51

My husband has a problem, and a big part of that problem is that a lot of his behaviour falls into the "normal" category.  Then we have a random swing through a spectrum of "not normal behaviour", and particularly in the first couple of years, that really took some working out ......

We are a large family, and so together with the (adult) kids, we are all on this swing together.

The hardest part is that he is in denial that there is anything wrong at all with the behaviour patterns he is pursuing, in fact, as they closely resemble current health ideals, they are quite well hidden socially and from medical intervention.  Truth does not remain hidden however, and slowly but surely the situation is raising itself into view.p, excruciatingly slowly, but it is happening ....... I think @Shaz51 is describing something similar there - walking a bit of a tightrope, biting your tongue, trying to suggest help that can well be obvious to others around them but not to the person themselves, and just trying to live with the coping patterns they have established in the midst of their denial.

It's tough, and in our situation it has been suggested to me on more than one occasion that I leave, which would mean some of our adult kids leaving with me.  Particularly when my husband was trying to work out a "do-able" lifestyle and his mood swings, temper tantrums, and demonstrations of emotional a use that he seemed entirely oblivious to, wer at their worst, I did wonder whether I was making the right choice.

Now he goes away a lot.  He has established work projects that give him a focus, but also an escape, to where he can reduce the pressure of trying to live the driving daily regimen that rules his life, without also trying to live the husband and father role in an engaged and loving way, when to be perfectly honest, both cannot fit within the same 24 hours in the day.

That is a long-winded way of saying trust your instincts to understand there is something wrong.  Trust your instincts to work out when and how to gently suggest getting a bit of help, or a check-up over this or that, and if you can privately voice your concerns to the doctor, do so.  It will require social and emotional support for you yourself to manage as well, so be pro-active about self-care in the meantime.

Thinking of you on your journey, and we are all here to listen to you anytime.

🌷

[Shaz51]

Wow @Faith-and-Hope, @dmu72611, @NikNik

trust your instincts to understand there is something wrong.  Trust your instincts to work out when and how to gently suggest getting a bit of help, or a check-up over this or that, and if you can privately voice your concerns to the doctor, do so.  It will require social and emotional support for you yourself to manage as well, so be pro-active about self-care in the meantime.

I have soo much going on in my head , so many questions XX

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Shaz51

I hear how patiently you are working with your husband's situation, and it is encouraging me in mine.  

We won't always get it right, but I have had to bite my tongue when I can see I am just not going to be able to get through to my husband in the state he is in, when he is going off about something in an unbalanced way .... and I think of you.  Some of it they just have to work out for themselves, but we are sharing the same life, the same space, and even watching them struggle can be difficult.

At least I know there are others here who understand what I am going through, even if it's not exactly the same .... it's still so comforting to have that in the background.

🌷