Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Hiya folks I only came back from the hospital after a month long stint for a depressive episode combined with schizophrenia (I am schizoaffective). I came awfully close to ending my life a month ago and I had to really work hard over the past month to get myself to regroup mentally in order to come home. 

Having said that, I feel like I've been thrown headlong back into 'life' and it is kind of freaking me out to be honest. I still am hearing self destructive hallucinations and although the paranoia is gone, it returns in small episodes. For example, I went to a major shopping centre today to see a movie with my gf and I was overwhelmed by paranoid thinking that there were cameras watching me and tracking my every move, but if I noticably let on about this to my gf, 'they' (whoever they are), would hurt both of us. 

I had to come home and have extra medication to soothe things down (it doesn't completely stop). 

Do you think I've bitten off more than I can chew? I just want to get back on with it ('it' being life). Why can't I?

Feeling discouraged,

Q

[Appleblossom]

No I dont think you have bitten off too much .. @Queenie

We all have the right to be .. in life

Just be more patient with you .. your fears and your dreams .. 

I hope the hospital has set up better after care for you .. so that you arent isolated in the small town .. but can actually get to some sort of support by public transport etc ...

Glad to see you ...

In fact you always bring a smile to me .. with your 

Gentle Folks .. it is lovely.

Talk later ...

[Queenie]

Hi @Appleblossom, I am still struggling a little, but I try to envision me getting stronger and stronger every day. It helps. I am looking at studying next year. This will give me time to get myself prepared for this. 

I had an appointment with my psychologist this morning and strangely, I scored only moderate depression in the questionnaire provided by her. I think however the questionnaire is flawed because it doesn't ask specifically about suicidal ideation and doesn't ask about being overwhelmed. Because of this 'moderate depression', I am not getting the extra sessions via the mental health care plan. My sessions are nearly all used up for this year. My psychiatrist doesn't do therapy, so I am worried I am going to fall between the cracks (my psychiatrist is concerned about this too). I have been referred for a support worker (but again they do not offer therapy) and I have to wait some time to receive one due to the popularity of the service. 

Getting back into the swing of life is a journey within itself I think. Just another step in the recovery journey.

It's good to be back online and present here in the forums. 

My 'gentle folks' thing is sincere, I think everyone here has to be gentle, as we show our vulnerablities and fragility. 

Cheers, Q xx

[Appleblossom]

I always thought yoru "gentle folks" hung together as sincere ..

you also mentioned working in peer support for a while.

I had not been addressed that way before  .. its funny how we internalise how others speak to us ... I know you were addressing everyone like that ...but it does make a difference.

[Queenie]

Yes you're quite right @Appleblossom, I do want to volunteer in peer support. There are roles for working in an acute setting in the psych ward (not the one I was just in because that one is in another town) as a consumer companion. All I have to do is spend some quality time with patients who do not get visitors and support them during their hospital stay. I think it could be quite rewarding.

[Appleblossom]

I think if you can manage your own time and feelings and responses it would be very rewarding.

I felt very close and drawn to help in the HD unit when my son was in it over 2 years ago.

Then I had to confess to him .. that all the other patients made me feel normal .. I think he got it ...and did not blame me if I chatted to the others ...  generally it was better all round.

You have come through a great deal and would have a lot to offer ... just try and establish a firmer footing for yourself before you start.

I am still getting ready to do my zoo work .. they are patient .. we are allowed to put some stuff off til later ...