Something’s not right
16-03-2023 10:13 PM - edited 17-03-2023 05:27 AM
TW - Suicide attempt
So Im on the phone to SANE, we ended up talking about my sisters medication stashes and that I was going to ask for them today (She had agreed to hand them over twice yesterday in meetings but was hospitalised before coming home). My Mum had called while on the phone to SANE so I rang her back.
Got to it, find my sister and ask for the medication. Turns out she had taken some already, found her passed out but snoring (loudly I could hear her from the kitchen). I had decided if she was asleep I was waking her and getting the medications. But no, I couldnt wake her, I tried really hard and got a moment and she was asleep.
I didnt have my phone so I found Mum and told her to ring an ambulance. I went back and checked on my sister then found my phone and called Dad. Ambulance came and off she goes back to hospital. I really, really hope she actually gets some help this time.
To say that was one of the scariest moments of my life, trying to wake her and not being able to. I dont want to be, I know its an illness, but I am hurt that she would try and leave me alone with all this BS, in a way she has already but theres hope she will come back, thats kinda final. Im angry that she would be so self centred but I dont expect her to live out of responcibilty to others. Im really conflicted emotionally, which is weird because this isnt the first attempt, maybe its because I found her. Most of all Im sad, that she is in that much pain that that seemed like the only option.
I dont want to have the emotions Im having, I dont want the mix of them. I want to be mad at her, or sad for her not all at the same time. I stuggle with just one emotion, a choir full of them all trying to have their voices heard at the same time is more than I can deal with and I just become numb, with outburst of extreme emotion (extreme for me). I dont have a healthy relationship with my emotions, I dont particularly like them and they dont particularly like me. So that is making this, something very emotional hard, not to mention all the stuff that has been going on leading up to this.
All this has made old negative coping strategies rear their ugly heads. I have strategies to combat them but its been hard and I'm grateful that one strategy prevents me acting out regardless of my urges.
I do get a night that I can sleep knowing she is safe, but I do also know that there is atleast another trip to town (an hour either way) to bring her phone etc. I havent decided but I am thinking of asking Dad to do the trip this time though. My anxiety is getting triggered a lot lately, I dont deal well with large crowds (my large would be many small) and I am finding lots of traffic an issue too (many wouldnt consider my lots much at all) so a trip to town, lots of traffic into the main hospital for the state may just be too much for me at the moment. If not, it soon will be.
To clarify, I live away from much at all, there is a "big" town 20 minutes away. I, in normal times, go shopping at 7am when Woolies opens as there is hardly anyone there. If I need something after that I go to a big servo with decent prices or not at all. At 7am there is like no cars.
Of late my sister has been getting me to go at random times, lots of people, lots of cars. Thats going to come to an end.
I am an odd and complex little being. I think its time for my night meds which will very much encourage the sleep process.