Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[ivana]

It sounds like your doing a good job.
Is it external circumstances that make your daughter feel social anxiety etc or is it more internal and not related to issues with friends,guys etc?

[Ruth]

Ivana, thanks for your further email.

It's external things mostly, I think.  But it's not consistent.  For example, last week I phoned her at work and asked her if she could pop in to the shop next door from where she works and buy a computer cord. She replied that she was unable to do that ... "Mum, you know I can't go in there and ask for that!".  Two days later, she phoned me from work and said "I'm in JB Hi Fi. What cord do I need to get?" ...  It's the 'waves' that come and go. 

She works in the fast food business, on the front counter, and she's very pleasant to customers and well loved by colleagues.  This seems the antithesis of someone who claims to have "social anxiety". 

This is why I get so confused, Ivana.  I think it's the black cloud that comes upon her.  And as I know from my own experience, one never knows when it's going to float over and stop right above! I can hide it and keep smiling. She can't. And to see her grief is unbearable for a mother. She becomes irrational, sarcastic and quite unkind. I'm always at a loss to know what to say, because I can never say the right thing, no matter how kind or gentle it is. 

Thanks for your interest, Ivana.  

[Pipkin]

Everyone is different, but I think it would be important for your daughter to be able to connect with a therapist who can really connect at her level. I think it is often hard for a parent to be the main support, it can be easier to talk to a trusted therapist, and then be able to have normal family relationships.

Despite this it can be really really hard to find someone that you can connect with and trust, but it may be worth it. Peer support can also be really really supportive. I think it can be easier to talk about the distress with an outside person, but again everyone and every family is different. But something to consider. I know you mentioned your daughter is resistant to professional help, but in the long run it may be the best thing to help.

The other thing that can be helpful is online peer support, but need to make sure that it is supportive and not people bringing others down. 

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Ruth
How are you?


I thought that Ivana's message is positive and truthful.... So important just to be there, my journey with my two children...one going through a very difficult time... It feels frustrating because you don't know if you did the right thing but Ruth....being gentle and loving will bring her long term benefits.
Is there ARafmi near you ?

And you remember you. When you 'take care of yourself, it means you do things that you completely enjoy and love and completely relaxes you. I personally like pushing my creativity by hand sewing dolls... I like that and want to be good enough to sell them, I also try very hard to keep to a routine of exercise and keep to a daily timetable I find on pininterest.com

Hope that helps out.. thanks for sharing,

[Hobbit]

Dear Ruth,

Thought I'd see how you have been going these last couple of weeks

Hobbit

[Ruth]

Hello Hobbit ... I don't know if you're still a Moderator ... but I see you sent me a post 12 months ago, to which I didn't reply. Sorry 'bout that 🙂  

It's been a year since I was on this forum, and my issue with my daughter has continued ... she's got progressively worse; I still haven't found a group with which to find solace; she's now added cannabis to the problems; and I'm exhausted. 

[NikNik]

Hi Ruth,

Welcome back!

Were any of the suggestions that members provided helpful at all? Things like;

Seeing a GP for a referral to a psychologist

School counsellor

ReachOut.com

Headspace (I know you said there was a 5 month wait)

You also mentioned that you have experienced depression, but can hide it. With everything that's going on with your daughter, it's easy to neglect your own wellbeing - but regardless if you can hide it or not, you can seek help for it, so you don't have to hide it and potentially not have to experience it anymore.

Perhaps if you normalise seeking help and visit a health care professional yourself, your daughter might follow your lead?

At the very least, your wellbeing must be made a priority. You have probably seen in many discussions throughout the carers forum that carers encourage each other to look after themselves too. Our own wellbeing need to be made a priority too.

Has your daughter formed any good connections with any form of health care professional in the past 12 months?

[Ruth]

Good morning NikNik ... thanks for your welcome-back message 🙂

Thankfully my daughter Kate has been willing to see people .... a psychologist for several sessions; a couple of sessions with a psychiatrist (who gave her medication, and it had a dreadful reaction both physically and mentally ... so Kate isn't game to try medication again). She has just started with a Youth Service geared towards mental health. 

In her sensible moments, she displays incredible insight and maturity, but it doesn't last. She 'knows' stuff, but does the opposite. And her attitude is cutting. She finds happiness with a couple of no-hoper friends who, in her view, are saintlike. In my view, they're unemployed druggies who I can't get out of my house. 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Ruth

I have had a lot of experiences in different roles similar to what you describe.

Parenting is tough .. sometimes we need to draw firm lines and though gentleness is important but not the only quality needed.

I put a lot of importance on socialising my children and allowing their friends over ... but I am hearing that you are feeling used a bit ... I do think you have the right to expect respect from her friends and her.

Using people is also a sign of abuse.  This new generation with all their improved standards and living conditions do need to respect the work of those who provide the roofs and couches for them to laugh and hang about it in.

[PeppiPatty]

And I'm gonna write, yes yes @Ruth please read @Appleblossom last paragraph....

.. I who has a 'I am green,' taped on my forehead probably doesn't have an answer for you....

how can @Ruth say ......Daughter,I care for you but not your friends. How can you manage that sentence and let it ring true for you ?

Does anyone have any suggestions about how @Ruth can say and what action could be good for her ?