Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Ruth]

Hello all,

I'm hoping to connect with peers who have teenage children suffering from anxiety or depression. I've been unsuccessful in finding a support group in my area, so perhaps I may have more success on this online forum.

I'm feeling desperate because I'm unable to 'reach' my beautiful sixteen year old daughter who suffers with a her-self-diagnosed "social anxiety".  This comes in waves, and it hits her hard. It breaks my heart to see her tears, but at the same time she uses me as her scapegoat and she becomes unreachable. I'm always very gentle and loving towards her, but even when I say "you're so precious, darling", even that is the wrong thing. I'm scared to open my mouth!

She tells me that her anxiety and moods are exaccerbated by also 'being a teenager'.  Double whammy 🙂  

Anyone else out there who lives with a young person who is in such mental torment?

Thanks

Ruth

[Hobbit]

Hi Ruth,

This sounds like a very difficult situation and I really hear you. 

You could always have a look at headspace.org.au. Alternatively try arafmi.org. They have a Helpline that can connect you with many services.

Is there anyone else who could offer a supportive/encouraging post?

[danful]

Hi Ruth,

The key to what your daughter is going through is the feeling of being evaluated - it doesn't matter if it is good or bad. Even though saying "you're so precious" is a lovely compliment, for an individual that is sensitive to evaluation and having focus on them, it can be quite uncomfortable. They often are already so self-focused on their qualities that an increase in that focus from someone external can be unbearable.

So what I am trying to say, is that by increasing her self-focus through the use of comments about her, it only further presses on her "social anxiety" - which is more a fear of people looking at her and having evaluative thoughts of her. If you want things to go more smoothly and support her, shift the comments away from intangible qualities (e.g., preciousness) to things she has control over. Focusing on intangible qualities which seem to change depending on who she is around (e.g., peers or parents) can be quite distressing when you are a teen. Instead highlight to her when she has done a good job, that is, a focus on behaviours.

Also remember that it is important for teens to figure some things out themselves. To become upset and then to learn how to self-soothe - a very important skill to have developed by the time she reaches adulthood.

Don't let your own anxiety be a driving force in her anxiety. Model to her behaviours that demonstrate coping with anxiety. E.G., by verbally saying "Hmm I'm feeling nervous about a meeting at work today, but you know what, I'm just going to dive on in and give it a shot".

I hope some of this was helpful.

[ivana]

No,but i've been a young person in mental torment.
The gentle and loving part is good, but the "your so precious,darling" bit might sound cheesy and like you don't understand (to her teenage mind).
She might emotionally react out of proportion to certain statements due to her hormones being all over the place and she's possible incapable of being rational.

It's really important for you to be able to not take things personally.
That will help your sanity and help you not to react back or get mad at her etc.
Also try.to be patient with her.
Your daughter may feel alone so it's really important to find her someone she feels comfortable with to discuss all her worries and circumstances.Someone that she feels "gets it" and understands.
There are places for teens like Headspace but I don't know if they are any good or not.





.
That will help tou

[NikNik]

Hi Ruth,

There's a great site called ReachOut.com which is for young people experiencing tough times, mental health issues and/or mental illnesses. It has a lot of information on the site - ranging from info on different mental illnesses, through to factsheets on the "every day" types of tough times young people can experience. It also has stories written by young people about how they have got through tough times.

They also has a forum similar to this, which she may find helpful. It's anonymous, moderated and is for people her age. I'm not quite sure how you could go about suggesting this to her - but it's just a resource for you to have in mind if she raises the topic of her social anxiety with you.

It sounds like there is some open dialog between you both - it's great that she can tell you about some of her experiences & how she's feeling.

Keep us updated on how things are travelling.

All the best.

[Ruth]

Dear danful

Thank you for your most insightful message. I read it twice to completely absorb what you said. I was most interested to read this advice. Thank you very much.

I'll make an effort to apply your suggestions.

Thanks!

Ruth

[Ruth]

Dear Ivana

I was so pleased to receive your message, as you obviously have experienced what my daughter Kate is going through.

Thank you.

Fortunately I am blessed with the 'patience' gene 🙂   I never, or never have in her whole life, raised my voice or said anything other than loving and supportive words to my daughter Kate.  If she has an emotional episode, it's one-sided. But I feel powerless and useless, and I also know that WHATEVER I say will be wrong.   Really "normal" conversation can be twisted into something quite irrational. So I may go quiet, for fear of again saying the wrong thing (no matter how basic and 'normal' a comment) ... then that's wrong too, and she'll say "Haven't you got anything to say?".    Ahhh! I can't win!  

I too know about the black cloud of depression, as I have always suffered from it. But the difference is, I'm in my late 50s, and have the maturity to 'mask' it and soldier on and keep smilig to the world. I don't take it out on other people. She's so young, and doesn't have the skills to handle the onset of the black cloud, knowing that "this too will pass".   And it does pass.  Yesterday she was in tears with her anxiety. Today she is bright and bubbly.  It's this 'wave-like' thing that happens. 

Thanks again Ivana ... I truly welcomed your response

Regards

Ruth

[Ruth]

Thank you NikNik for the information on ReachOut.com.   I will have a look at this.

As I mentioned in a reply to another person (above), we went to Headspace last year, but waiting 5 months for an appointment was too long, and nothing eventuated.

My daughter Kate is resistant to professional help, as a result of that experience.  We did, however, get some literature from them, although I very much doubt that she ever looked at it!

I'll recommend ReachOut to her. Maybe she would participate in an online forum. I don't know.  I can only give her the information.

Thank you again NikNik. Really appreciate your contribution!

Regards

Ruth

[NikNik]

Hi Ruth,

I hope Kate finds ReachOut.com useful.

There are places other than Headspace to get help. Your GP can get you started on the journey towards seeing a mental health professional (most likely a psychologist), and she could try a school counsellor who should be very accessible to her. 

I think it's also important to note that finding the right professional can take time too - one that she'll feel comfortable with and open up to. It's all about patience and perseverance (for both you & your daughter)

Time is a factor for anyone with a mental illness or those experiencing mental health issues and the sooner she can start her journey of recovery, the better, particularly in the vulnerable teenage years.

If she's not comfortable with seeing someone face to face to start with, she may find Kids Helpline chat helpful. It's online counselling.

Best wishes & keep us updated on how it's all going.

NikNik

[Ruth]

Thank you Hobbit for your encouraging responses. Kate is strongly opposed to talking with anyone (professional), although last year I did manage to get her to Headspace. Unfortunately it wasn't helpful. She was  was a 'crisis' point ... but we had to wait 3 months for an appointment, and when that day finally came, the psych started interviewing her, with quite odd questions ... then it was discovered that the psych was using someone else's file! Wrong client! So they rescheduled another appointment for 2 months later. 5 months since my phone call seeking help for my daughter. Kate wouldn't go back again. That experience didn't auger well for encouraging Kate to trust psychologists 🙂 We just muddle along day by day ... I can only offer her a loving environment, but when she wants to 'shut down', there's nothing I can do. This is the hard bit.

Thanks for your further suggestions, but she isn't a school student. She works full time and fortunately she enjoys her work and her work colleagues. 

Thanks again Hobbit!

Regards

Ruth