Lived Experience Forum

[Lilly6]

Hi again I know it has been a while, I hope everyone is doing well or at least ok. I am still not great and I feel like a tree in a storm and waiting to snap. I have been trying so hard but life just keeps throwing curveballs one after the other. I have really had enough. There is only so much a person can deal with before it all becomes too much to deal with. I have really been trying to get better and was making some progress but now feel I am almost back at square one. I contacted Lifeline today but not sure it really helped. 

[Snowie]

Hi @Lilly6 

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time at the moment. It sounds like you have lots going on and overwhelmed by trying to dedal with it all.

It's really great that you contacted lifeline today. That shows that you are willing to reach out for help, just like on here. Perhaps Sane helpline might be an option for you.

Please keep reaching out for help. We are here too, to support you in any way we can, whether that be giving advice or just sitting with you.

Keep posting here if it helps.

Snowie 💖

[oceangirl]

Hi @Lilly6 

I hear you and I truly hope you can move forward and start to feel better. You're not alone in how you're feeling. Sometimes we meed to take a breather and gather ourselves and then come up with a plan. One step at a time. 

[Rosie93]

Hi @Lilly6 

It sounds like you're going through a really tough time with lots of things happening one after the other. I want to let you know like others have done that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I know how disheartening it is to feel like you've put in so much effort but feeling like you're back at square one. You've been doing so well in reaching out for support. That's so important. Don't give up. 

Rosie93

[Lilly6]

@Rosie93 Thank you, yes things are really hard right now. Scroll on if you don't want to see my pity party 😂 I hope you are well. 

I haven't been on here as nothing for me ever gets any better and I don't want to make others feel bad 😞 Things though are really bad right now. Tonight I am drinking and trying to make sense of everything. I really don't want to be here right now. I have been fighting the black dog for so long now. 

[Lilly6]

I don't think I am ever going to get better. I went to the doctor today and she wanted me to go on medication, pushed hard for it but I said no. I don't feel she took me seriously at all. She said if I didn't want medication then I have to exercise as exercise acts like a antidepressant In mild depression even though she thought I should do medication too. She seemed to think because I can work and plan activities I am not really doing that bad. If what I have, this constant suicidal thoughts and compulsion to act on these thoughts is mild depression, then I would hate to have major depression. The thoughts are with me constantly and I plan too. She didn't ask about any plans just said everyone would be angry if I took my life. I feel like I am a stupid weakling even though I am constantly fighting these thoughts. I don't know what the answer is to stop all this I really don't. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Lilly6 , just checking in. I get the sense that you're really struggling, and yet it seems like it isn't really being taken seriously by your doctor. It can be really hard to see a way forward sometimes, especially if you keep getting rehashed the same old "Just get some exercise!" kind of stuff. And like... sometimes it just really isn't helpful to get guilt tripped about how your suicide would make everyone else feel, rather than focusing on how you feel right now. 

I reckon you're a very far cry from being stupid or weak, holding on like you are. Sending you strength to help you keep going

[Lilly6]

Thanks @Jynx yes I really am struggling right now and I wish I didn't go to my doctors appointment today. Before I felt kinda numb but now I feel hurt and like I should be just getting over all this stuff. But I can't and I am tired and I want it all to stop. As I said to my psych a couple of weeks ago I don't think anyone would miss me let alone be angry at me. 

[jazz]

Hi @Lilly6 it is difficult when you feel that way, but as others have said please know that you are important and people do care, and please contact crisis support services like lifeline should things escalate for you. We have sent you an email checking in, please let us know you are safe 

[saltandpepper]

Hey @Lilly6 sorry to see you're going through a rough time. And I hear you, it can feel invalidating when your doctor/psych skip over the SI.

Can I ask what your reservations were around medication?

I think it is good to focus on your work and activities etc as any positive steps forward will help combat that depression.

It also sounds like you're juggling a lot of different things there, is that right? When we get overwhelmed our brains try to problem solve and it is not uncommon for SI to start hovering about. @Powderfinger said something very helpful to me one time, that we can choose what to deal with and when. I don't know if that's feasible in your situation but it hadn't occurred to me that I don't have to deal with everything in one go. If possible try to prioritise what needs to be dealt with first and give yourself time to work through whatever is going on for you.