Lived Experience Forum

[Sans911]

For the last 2 or 3 weeks, I've had this intense sadness I can't shake. I'm on the edge of tears so much, but they never really come. I don't know why I feel like this, as I've had depression for over 2years now. It just feels as if everything I held dear and important to me is slipping away, and I either don't deserve to have good in my life or that I'm just not ever supposed to be happy..

The only thing I had left that gave me some satisfaction was my job, but even that seems like a chore, and as an agency worker I feel such a lack of belonging. This never bothered me before, I as I preferred it that way, but now I miss the camaraderie and sharing of stories.

There's such a hollowness inside me, and no matter how I try to fill it, with either volunteering, helping on this forum, or others, brings no lasting satisfaction for me. What kind of life is this to live? It's not, and sometimes not living seems a far satisfactory answer.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @Sans911,

as hard as it is, its really good that you are still reaching out despite fighting with all of these feelings.

i do need to check in with you though, are you having these thoughts right now if so please call one of the helplines (if not disregard)

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat or Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling or If in immediate danger: 000

I say this as the last sentance is very worrying, how are you coping right now? do you have any strategies that you can draw on in the moment? and have you been able to speak about these feelings with others too, ie as you are feeling worse maybe a review with your dr/counsellor may be in order???

[Sans911]

@Fancy_Pants Thanks for your response. I'm not really ok, but I'm safe from doing any harm tonight. I have reached and sought support when I've had these feelings, had therapy, been in hospital recently, but nothing seems to make me feel any better anymore. I feel ashamed really as I'm otherwise healthy, I have a roof over my head, I'm have ckean clothes and can get warm, and people who support and love me, which should all be enough, but it's not. I never feel entirely safe from hurting myself, it's more just a matter of time. And needing to vent I guess, which has now only served to make me feel completely ungrateful, uncaring and worse than I did before.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sans911, Its Arie here. Just wanted you to know that I'm around for the next few hours. Wanting and needing more is ok, sometimes is about determining what that something is so that you know where your focus can turn. Please stay safe tonight and reach out if you need support. 

[sydfx]

My mental illness defined me for to long, socially, my career, my lifestyle, my diet all went back to mental health, I paid to much attention to it. To focused on the illness instead of the person. The person who could still live up to his own expectations, life goals and dreams. It's a long road, the first thing I did was lose weight, a 5 minute walk is now a 2hr walk. Quit smoking chewed nicorette gum for months and it worked. Cleaned the fridge out and filled it with the food I grew up on, what mum cooked. Started cleaning my teeth regularly now their white, its the little things they all ad up. When I look at myself in the mirror and see results I see a man capable of doing anything he sets his mind to. Go for a walk, buy new runners, trackies a beanie expand your lungs feel free fresh and strong, stop living in the now, live in the morro.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Sans911

Don't feel ashamed, feeling intensely sad is not always because we are ungrateful. There can be many different reasons that we may be unaware of - a physical illness, hormonal imbalance, unresolved past hurts, low self esteem, grief or feeling lonely - so many triggers for depression.

I can feel that same sadness a lot of the time now, but I do know the reasons. Feeling helpless to do anything about it is emotionally gruelling, so for me the best I can do to cope is to keep as busy as I can and not allow my mind to expand on the pain and the feelings of grief that feeds depression. Even though I don't feel like doing much and feel  little satisfaction from anything I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other which is enough for now. If I don't I know that my depression will get worse. For me it's pushing through right now and it's hard. 

Its a good thing that you are expressing the way you feel as it can ease the burden a little when we share how we feel. Please keep posting when you feel the need. Sending warm hugs 🤗 

[Sans911]

@Former-Member. Thanks for your response. I know the reasons why I'm so sad, and it's also because I feel so damn powerless and helpless to make it better. I just have to hope the medication I've restarted works or I come out this darkness. I try to keep busy each day too, but sometimes like now, I'm just so overwhelmed by sadness and despair. I've not been this depressed for many, many years and it's a hard road to walk. I don't expect a response to this problem post, but I'm just expressing my gratitude you've taken the time to listen. Take care of yourself too.

[oceangirl]

Hi @Sans911

I hear you. Great advice from overtheedge. Thank you for sharing and expressing how you feel, that takes a lot of courage. Do you know why you feel so empty and sad? How long ago where you in hospital- did it help when you were an inpatient?

[Sans911]

@oceangirl I feel empty and sad because there's no easy fix for my depression, which instead of getting better is actually getting worse. I'm being triggered a lot by therapy, which is necessary, but it's opening old traumas I locked away to protect myself, and build a better life. It's that life, which seems another lifetime ago, that I feel I will never regain. This damn depression all started with the breakdown of my supposed dream career, which is now in complete tatters. So it just feels like everything is ruined, and I'm responsible for it all. But the intense sadness started before I was hospitalised, and has is continuing to worsen. I just don't want to live like this anymore.

[Sans911]

@oceangirl I was in hospital only a week ago for one week, but I been hospitalised many, many times in the last 9 months. My depression has been ongoing for over 2 years