Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello @Former-Member

Your husband sounds wonderful, your rock - and he would see the many special and unique qualities of the "real you" that he loves so dearly. Depression usually robs us of that insight into ourselves. 

I read your post carefully where you said that you are only seeking treatment to be less a burden to your family. I admire you for the care, strength and love you show there. You also said that you like the bi-polar you and understand it but if you became really down you would be open to ending it, you would be calm with that (and I also know how that can feel - but like you I wouldn't want to upset or hurt my husband passing the pain on as he is my number one too ).

So what I am getting at - apart from the med side effects - Is the depression part of the bi-polar disorder the real issue for you personally? Is this what made you want to self medicate with painkillers? This together with chronic anxiety certainly was for me - and that was a burden not just for my husband but for me also. If this is correct then would the satisfactory goal for you be to lift/treat the depression? For me the only way at the time to do this was to address the causes of it and treat it accordingly.

I did have a lot of the side effects you are describing - it did make me feel groggy. In those instances I would cut back dosage or stick with just one med instead of several - or change over to another that didn't make me feel so tired. Trial and error. I did tn like the way they made me feel sometimes but was better than what I was beforehand. And several years later they worked enough for me to wean off. So ther is light at the end of the tunnel.

My medical professional was good where he would work with me this way and not over prescribe and listened to my needs. If you find your treating professional doesn't listen to perhaps seek a second opinion. My daughter had similar issues to you also and is now trialing one mood stabiliser as the combination made her too foggy and tired to work. So far so good. We are all individuals and meds needs to be tailor fitted to our individual physical and psychogical needs. 

I do understand about how past events can retraumatise. I am a survivor of horrific childhood abuse and have no memory at all of certain years in my younger days. I found I did not have to go over and over the past events of abuse I could remember but had to learn to let it go from my subconscious so I could forget it. Acknowledging it once, letting myself grieve it and finally putting it behind me "never looking back". 

I understand your bad childhood experiences with weed as I also grew up with family members whom were addicted to substances. Where there was no food in the house as all money was spent on it and the violence that resulted. I will say that I grew up in the 70s and smoked pure weed with friends that had nothing mixed in it (those days it was back yard grown), and most still experienced anxiety/paranoia etc - others psychotic episodes which ended in some taking their lives. Which all was enough to stop me smoking it. It is also scientifically acknowledge to cause such on its own accord. I was also an alcoholic for 10 years and learnt the hard way that this is never the answer. It stunted my normal development/maturity of my mind making my mind weak and inept to coping with life events wanting to just give up and hide away. I havent touched a drop for 20 odd years now.

We don't think you are judging so please don't feel intimated to speak what you feel and have experienced as we all do here; being open and honest is a good thing as I am doing regarding the detriment of self medicating. As what happened to you loulathecat with OD is a very real risk as I mentioned in my first post (leads to self harm)  - not to mention the further damage to the mind, emotions and body. This is not being personal but concerned for the welfare of others. Drugs are drugs and I think here where lives are at risk we have to be very responsible.

People can be naive when it comes to mental illness if they have never been through it - they just don't understand. I do hope you come to a resolution with your treatment of bi-polar 1, something you can endure without too much disruption to doing the things that you enjoy like socialising. Whatever you decide we are here for you. Hugs 💕

[Former-Member]

My partners family new about my illness before we went on holidays and my husband sent them links to read before I came. Most of them think they understand depression as they have had weepy days. They also think they understand anxiety. They got really no cool.

I think anxiety is the new cool illness every second person has it but majority got zero clue what it actually is. Has anyone noticed that? It's like sociably acceptable to have it while Bipolar is still so unknown and ripped on by people and think we are all just crazy.

I'm finding it really hard to keep a full time job. I'm also struggling really bad now being on new meds and flying off my face high. I just can't seem to do my best and if I can't do my best I get mad at myself.

I'm trying not to live in the past. I'm focusing on the future. So much I have everyday scheduled with a billion back up plans if it dose not go to schedule. It's helping me because it gives me something to look forward to and focus on.

I think the more normal me I want is one when I'm not stuck in my head pre thinking everything I say. Where I can relax around friends and trust they love me for me. I want a day where I don't think people are judging me. I just want to feel free to be happy and calm. Dose that make sense. As of late I have not been able to socialise. I feel tiered after hanging out with people. It's like they take away all my energy. I've never been like that. I've always been the first to a party and last to leave.

My husband is amazing and my rock but I feel like a burden. It must be so stressful worrying about me. I know he dose it because he loves me but his human and must get tiered. I am literally seeking treatment just to make it easy on my family. I hate being around myself and think the must be getting tiered of me. I just want to make life easy for everyone.

I do like the Bipolar me. I love the highs. I love I know what's happening to my body. I can read my self so well and know when I'm going to have a change of mood. I hate my depression but I understand it. But now I got zero clue who I am. I don't feel as creative, I don't feel so in touch with my feelings. Dose that make sense?

I feel sometimes if I leave my husband can live more care free. I feel like I'm holding him up. Because of me he lost an amazing job opportunity which I can't forgive myself for. I feel like I'm robbing him of happiness. I'm also scared I'm never going to be well enough to give him kids. I've given him many opportunities to leave me with no hard feelings. I love him so much I just want him to have everything his heart desires.

Both parts the High and Lows are why I self harm and self medicate. The lows I just want to not feel and when I'm high I want to bring myself back to level because normally after a high I crash bad. Sometimes I get both feeling at once and my body physically hurts and I just need an escape. Dose that make sense?

My doctor is been really good and taking it really slow with me as I had a full break down on my holiday. He keeps telling me I'm doing amazing going straight back to work after a mental break down. Wish I didn't because I can still feel the effects of it.

I have a picture perfect memory and can recall every violent thing that's happened. It plays in my head daily. I have tried my hardest to forgive but how can you forgive your parents for not protecting you and still talk to them when you know they are half the reason your unwell. I get mad at my school for not noticing I was acting out and stick skinny.

Thanks for the replays everyone. It makes me feel good knowing I can communicate with people that understand. I try taking to family and my doctor but I know as much as they try they will never really understand what we are going through.

[Matt12]

Hi, I took myself of meds as it made me feel numb, did not consult my doc just did it. I did it to feel alive and looked for options to deal with my head.

Writing this is an option that helps me, it’s my understanding there is no right and wrong with this process but understanding what works for you is important.

Getting appropriate advise / support is critical and don’t forget what your hart is telling you.

J

[Former-Member]

I just don't know what my heart is telling me anymore or what is right or wrong.

[Former-Member]

Hugs @Former-Member I'm sorry you're hurting so much.
Things sound so hard, it sounds as though you have a loving husband who knows you well. Keep trusting him.
Lj

[Former-Member]

So I tried to be brave and keep going on with the meds. I even went up a dosage.

Now I'm at work. My head feels like it's not attached to my body. I'm spinning 24-7 my eyes keep blinking and I can't focous and keep making mistakes. I don't make mistakes at work but OMG I'm making them left right and centre