Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I'm lost

Last time I was on here I was coming out of a very well pure black place where every night I tried to end my life. I ended up getting help but it was to much. I found it to painful to talk about my childhood and hated my medication stopped me feeling extreme moods.

I went of treatment for months and started a very massive painkiller addiction. I could take 10 a day and most people fall asleep on one. That lasted over a year.

I got a new job a full time one where I can actually grow and have a real career and love being. I noticed my bipolar moods where starting to affect me so I under doctor guides went back onto my meds only having them to turn me toxic! People at work thought I was coming of drugs I was so confused and out of it.

I straight after that went on a month holiday with my husband to see family. I went on a massive high and had 3 hours sleep a night and kept going. Then I had a weekend away in a holiday house with my husbands family and they decided it would be great to laugh at shows with people who suffer from bipolar. I locked myself in a room for 2 days and did not eat anything. I went further up north for the last part of my holiday and lost my appetite and ate a slice of apple a day. I got serve anxiety I couldn't get on the plane to fly home. I literally lost the plot. We decided to drive home to keep me calm but I ended up passing out in a gas station in central QLD from anxiety! I passed out a few times that week getting me home from anxiety. Who knew it could do that.

I straight away saw my doctor and we started treatment because I don't got time to be sick. The first meds put me to bed for 16-17 hours straight. Could not function on them. I'm on new ones which I can fake function on but I can feel it clouding my brain but I can also feel it working but I can feel my feelings getting trapped.

I just want fully off medication. I can't do it. I hate the feeling. Hate it. Is anyone on here med free and doing great? Any advice how I can be med free and function because I've decided to slowly take my self of them starting tonight. I'm done.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member. I'm so sorry you've had such a rough time. It sounds awful. The only one I can think of from memory with bi-polar and is off meds is @Silenus. I'm afraid I can't remember which thread it is he has discussed it. I wish you all the best. 

[Ellu]

Dear Loulathecat,

What a terrible time you have been having. It must feel like a nightmare for you.Your anxiety and depression seem to be overwhelming you. The good news is that you do not have to be like that! I know you have had a couple of bad experiences with medication, but there are literally dozens of medications out there to treat these conditions, Different medications affect people in different ways, so you might have to try a few to find the right one for you. Who is looking after you? A GP? Psychiatrist? If you are experiencing such extreme symptoms then may I suggest you ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrists. Psychiatists are of course experts in mental illness, but they also have a lot of experience in prescribing medication to suit each case. And they are someone you can talk over your hopes and fears with, helping you gain stability.

In answer to your question, I am bi-polar and I take 6 diferent psychiatric medicines every day.. For some reason this cocktail works extremely well for me, and I have been leading a normal, happy life now for may months. I think of it as a diabetic having to take insulin - it is a preventative medication and keeps everything under control.

If you are having trouble with medications I strongly suggest you see a psychiatrist, wo can work out the right regime for you.

Yes, medications are very important. I swear by my "cocktail" because it works and allows me to lead a normal life.I am on meds and am doing great. Your psychiatrist might also suggest some other therapies to try, such as CBT (cognitive behavioural theapy) which can be really useful.

Above all, talk to your doctors. They need to know when things are not going so well, so they can monitor you and provide help when necessary.

I am sorry you are going through such a bad time. Many of us here on the forum an identify with you and support you. Trust in yourself when things are bad - they won't always be.

Ellu

[Silenus]

Hello good people...

Firstly... @Former-Member... sending gentle calming hugs your way... what you describe in your post is one hell of a ride through life... I feel for you...

Now comes the contentious part...

I am diagnosed bipolar 2. Initially I was diagnosed with depression... fairly standard diagnostic path for most peeps with bipolar...

I get bad depressions, but contrary to the experiences that most bipolar people seem to have, I spend most of my time being hypomanic and bouncing off things physically and emotionally... I suffer from what I call mood storms... thought storms... sometimes I rapid cycle... occasionally, I get hit by a mixed episode... all of that...

I have never been on any psych meds. I don't say this as a matter of pride. I simply state it as a fact...

Over the past 5 or 6 years, I have been very active in the mental health forum community. I saw the same stories appearing again and again from people struggling with their mental health in this rather crazy society that we live in.

People in so much psychological and emotional pain and distress that they could not function properly... people who boarded the medi-go-round and tried medication after medication, only to have the side-effects of the medication be almost as bad as or worse than the conditions they were trying to medicate away...

Then there would be the usual talk... oh... perhaps you haven't found the right medication or combination of medications yet... it's complicated, and everyone responds differently to psych meds...

Then would come the slow titration off a particular medication or cocktail of medications... then would come the switch to different medications... maybe a med would work, maybe the search would go on...

Often, even with the right medications, the overwhelming majority of people were extremely upset by the side effects of the medication they were on... the numbness of feeling, the flatness, the severe weight gain (as if they didn't have enough to be down about without the added bonus of 30-40 extra kgs to worry about)...

I looked very carefully and seriously at my life situation, at my mental health conditions, at the struggles that I had to face just to stay alive (suicidal ideation comes and goes with me, and I have tried to depart this world by my own hand, but thankfully didn't succeed).

With great seriousness, I weighed up my options...

I chose to ride this dragon without the assistance of psych meds... so far, I am very happy with my decision...

But... it's not for everyone...

There are many inherent dangers involved... even I recognise that over the past 2 years or so, my hypomanic episodes have been getting higher... my coping mechanisms and wellness strategies have therefore needed adjustment as well... I have had to modify what I do to stay within the healthy part of the mood and energy spectrum that is my bipolar life...

I am lucky... I can still function without meds... I wouldn't say that I am highly functioning though... I have done about 2 weeks of work in the past 2-3 years... I have withdrawn from society for the most part...

I am a writer... a near-solitary existence suits my demeanour, my temper, my state of mind...

It reduces my triggers, which, as far as I am concerned, is more important than medications... learning to deal with the things that used to send me skyrocketing up or plummeting down... that is a large part of the success I have had in being able to survive this wild ride...

My natural predictable cycles, along with the random spikes and surges of my moods and thoughts and energy levels, are quite the handfull... if they were any worse, more than likely I would need to reappraise my commitment to staying off psych meds...

Mostly, my energy levels are too high, and I need to find ways of channeling that energy... my coping mechanisms and wellness strategies have been developed over a lifetime of living with this crap that goes on in my head...

A traumatic childhood triggered this genetic freakshow that plays across the stage of my mind... even though I wasn't formally diagnosed with depression (then bipolar) until I was 40 years old (nearly 6 years ago - woot woot), still I have spent a lifetime with these severe mood swings, wild rages, racing thoughts...

I am my own best expert... I know "me" better than anybody ever will, irrespective of how many diplomas are hanging on a person's wall...

I sought out help from talk therapists through the first 3 years or so after I was diagnosed... counsellors, clinical psychologists with 20 years experience, other psychs... they helped me for a time, but I have left them behind... they can no longer help me...

I am my own therapist, my own medicator of self now...

And that brings this rambling post back onto the subject matter at hand...

I don't take psych meds, but I do self medicate... once again, this is not something I recommend to anybody... it is simply a statement of fact about how I choose to live my life in order to deal with my conditions (mental AND physical)...

I drink alcohol. It is a depressant, and very good at keeping a lid on things...

I drink too much alcohol when my moods are particularly bad... 15 standard drinks per day is not uncommon, but I reduce the levels once the mood storm passes... still, I need to be very aware of my consumption... I come from a family where alcoholism has a strong representation... my mother, my uncle, my grandfather, a great uncle... about once a year, I go to a GP and have my blood tested for kidney and liver function and all of that stuff... I need to stay aware of what this particular self-medication is doing to my body physically, and take appropriate actions as and when needed...

When needed, I also smoke weed as a self medication... it works wonders for calming me down, for easing the wild ride of the bucking bronco that is my fierce mood and intellect... it also works wonders for helping me to cope with chronic physical pain that I suffer... so... two ticks in the plus column for this one...

Again, I exercise extreme caution when self medicating... it can be easy to stay in a green haze for months and months if one is not careful and very honest with oneself...

I doubt that anything I've just written is of any help to anybody else... I have tried being totally medication free (without any self medication)... it is possible, but extremely painful, and the collateral damage to my loved ones would be unfortunate...

And so I walk the path that I walk...

All this talk of medication is all well and good... but much more importantly than that, is the psychological and philosophical journey through my own self... the grog and the weed keep me upright... the other stuff, well, that keeps me walking...

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you @Former-Member... I hope you find your way to an easier journey through this wonderful thing that is life...

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

My daughter suffers bi-polar and BPD and has had similar experiences to you with different medications. So have I. It's finding that right medication that will restore the imbalance and it can be trial and error. I found that psychiatric medication takes at least 6 to 12 weeks to adjust properly in the system until the benefits are felt. Up to then we can feel lousy. So sometimes it's letting the tablets get into our systems as then the unpleasant side effects will begin to wear off.

I also found it's not just finding the right med but getting the dosage correct. It's trial and error sometimes but eventually the right med/dosage/combination will be found with perseverance. I would strongly recommend you seek out and visit a well renowned psychiatrist that specialises in bi-polar/anxiety and tell him how you feel about meds etc. The bottom line is if a physical brain or bodily chemical imbalance for whatever reason is causing your Mental health issues they won't go away without restoring that imbalance with medical treatment.

With respect for all people on here I have to go by my own life experiences and urge you to refrain from self medication, as that in my own personal experience and with what I have witnessed with others (some on a regular basis as I work helping drug/alcohol effected individuals), self medication can lead to hitting rock bottom and self harm.

My daughter drank heavily and smoked cannabis at one stage which did directly with no uncertainty, make her much worse and sent her into psychosis (the drug was the sole cause of the latter), where she did become irrational, angry for no reason and violent. She also suffered terrible panic/anxiety/paranoia attacks from the weed. This can also result from  "abuse of" psychiatric meds - I found taking the prescribed dosage there were not those serious issues, but side effects could set in. Usually they wear off but if not after about 8 - 12 weeks I wouId try another. Ended up finding a suitable treatment in time.

Not only would I recommend the best psychiatrist but a good psychologist whom specialises in management and coping strategies when dealing with bi-polar, mood swings, anger and panic. Also talking about any repressed hurts, abuses, stressors and traumas that are unresolved you may be harbouring which can trigger mood swings, anger and anxiety/depression. Cognitive therapy is very helpful - together with leading a healthy lifestyle all should help you control your symptoms where you can enhance your quality of life and well being in time. But it does take time.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar/catatonic depression/anxiety disorder/agoraphobia/PTSD 5 yrs ago and treated it as above. I am now med free except the odd sleeping tablet when the stress is extraordinary and I have nightmares. I can still become distressed because of the dire situation with my daughter but I cope. Please know that there is good help out there and there is hope. It's about finding the right help, suitable meds/dose, healthy lifestyle, talking about it working through the psychological barriers and learning to cope in more positive ways/thoughts. And never letting go of hope. I hope this has helped some. Hugs x

[Silenus]

OTE raises some excellent points... sending hugs and happy vibes to you... 🙂

I would wish to further explore a few things from my own perspective... I hope I do not offend by writing this here...

Oh, and as a further cautionary note to myself from myself... weed ain't weed... there's a lot of bad stuff floating around these days, especially the inner city stuff the kids are into... it is selectively bred for strength, and has many chemicals used in the growing process...

These strains are bad, in my humble opinion. They are too strong. They are too psychoactive. Way too much THC... As OTE said, they can cause psychosis, especially in the young... I have had 2 or 3 bad experiences with sharing a casual smoke with someone at a bar or concert... wiped me out totally... scary stuff...

Bush green... natural... gentle highs... that's the direction that I have gone... different strains from different growers give different highs... it's all about awareness... I know which strain to use and when to use it, and at what dosage, because I know if I need a pickup or a drop down or a mellow out... years of experience has taught me this...

And most importantly, I know when to stop it completely... I have spent many years without a single desire or need to have a puff... it comes and goes in my life... sometimes a gentle fellow companion on this walk through life, and then there are all the times when I walk alone...

Most people I talk to, when I mention that I self medicate, they shake their heads and think I am an idiot or a time bomb waiting to explode... they have every right to think that... thankfully, I think differently...

The self meds are the smallest part of a much much bigger and more complex puzzle... my self... coming to grips with my self... the journey through my self... finding strategies and new ways of thinking and understanding...

That's where the real gold is to be found for this particular me in this particular reality...

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you all... 🙂

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Former-Member

I can imagine being caught up with a group of people who were insenstive and laughing at people with bi-polar would have immense trriigering effect on you.  it also begs the questions of .. whether to spend much time with them again .. or trying to educate them ... sigh .. that can be hard ork and may not succeed.

I went without meds through some stormy periods of my life, self medicated when a teen, and am on meds now for stability.  I am not a big believer in meds but I think you do need to be careful about your decisions.  I am healthy lifestyle lady now .. am hoping to come off meds in the future but promised GP I would stay on for set periods and see what happens.  I stand behind my decisions re meds and feel they were all probably the right decisions at the time.

Sad you had hard time.  Glad to see you again, tho. I thought you were a courageous insightful lady last time.

Take care of YOU

Apple

[Former-Member]

I suffer from Bipolar type one. But I rapid cycle very quickly and often. Sometimes I'm like 4 season in one day. I've tried self medicating. I became addicted to pain killers. Go through 2 month supply in a week and mixed alcohol and relaxents on top of it. Yes nearly OD a few times. I've just spent 2 months getting myself off them due to the fact my husband found out and all the pharmacies caught on to me.

I also self harmed for years. To this day I crave doing it and it's a constant fight plus my husband checks my arms and legs. <br><br>It really hurt my husband knowing I lied to him for a year and he's my number one and I don't want to upset him.

I've started exercise to make myself happy but I would come home feeling like a failure and worse. I tried eating clean, nothing. I've started drawing which helps but it closes me up to people. I can not now be around people because it drains me.

All that time I also worked full time and still do. I can't be with out a job. I need a place to go to. Don't know why just need to.

Honestly I don't really care about me. I've come to terms if I get so down and want to end it I'm ok with it. To me it's smart thinking. I feel calm about it.

Weed is something I will never touch. I've first hand seen what laced weed can do and lost best friends minds to it and it was the number one staple in my house as a childhood. Even before food. I would go from morning to diner with just an apple. I don't judge people for doing it. I took painkillers. I just saw it rip my family apart, people bashed with metal poles for not paying on time and taken away by the police.

After my husbands family realised they offended me they tried to apologise but I was beyond gone and ready to rip there head off. We have sent links, emails, texts about my style of bipolar how I work. Then what Bipolar is, what to do in emergency and how to look after yourself because dealing with bipolar people is hard. I just find people to be honestly dumb and hurtful.

I don't want to see a phycatrist/phycologist. Last time I saw one I didn't speak for 3 weeks and nearly killed myself after a session. Was way to much to me to handle. I don't want to go into the past because I can't handle it.

All I want is just to be the normal me. I understand Bipolar me. I like bipolar me. Medicated me is boring, fuzzy and tiered. I miss being social but now I'm scared to hang out with people. They drain me. <br><br>I literally feel like I'm on meds so I'm easy to manage for my husband and family. I don't want to be a burden. But do I want to do it for myself and feel like this? No.

[Appleblossom]

OMG @Former-Member

Growing up like that is traumatic.  You have made good MANY good choices.  Dont sweat the small stuff.

I like that you like "bi-polar me" .. that is a good start .. 

Did your partner's family watch that crap after you had already informed them ... if so .. more than dumb .. plain cruel and brutish.  Sorries would have been meaningful if they were ignorant of your diagnosis.

Protect yourself. Bella ... hope hubby grows up with you

[Pebbles]

Hi @Former-Member

It sounds like you are doing a great job of balancing full time work and self care practises such as colouring in and exercise. I hear that your past has pain in it and I imagine projecting into the future may feel overwhelming, therefore I encourage you to try and stay in the present. That is the space you can control now. 

I like the way you identify the different parts of yourself normal me, bipolar me and medicated me. What great insight you have. I wonder what it is about the normal me that you would like to have more of? 

We're here for you @Former-Member 

Warm wishes,

Pebbles.