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Something’s not right

Powderfinger
Senior Contributor

I don't know what's wrong with me.

I've put washing on, the same load twice today. The second time because I couldn't be bothered hanging it out the first time. Now it's finished again and I don't feel like hanging it out. 

 

I don't feel like getting out of bed. If I'm not in bed I'm on the couch. I have work to do but my head just feels blank. I look at the housework and think yeah I should do it but I don't. I feel like not thinking. I'm feeling tired all the time. I havn't been showering every day for months now. I'm not really eating. 

 

I tried to pick something to watch on tv. I have heaps of options but just couldn't choose so I gave up. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't feel like doing things I like or enjoy. I have very little motivation to do much. I just find it an effort to even move. 

 

The thought of seeing people and having to engage turns me right off. I want to disappear where no one can ever find me. I hate people. 

7 REPLIES 7

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

Hey @Powderfinger 

I can relate! I think I must be depressed. Life just doesn't seem worthwhile at the moment. I hope things improve for you soon. 

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

Hey @Powderfinger ,

 

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It sounds truly awful, like even just existing is exhausting for you right now. To me, it sounds like you might be experiencing anhedonia. Anhedonia is a term used in mental health to describe a loss of the ability to feel pleasure. It often occurs alongside fatigue, lack of focus and motivation, and general apathy. It can be excruciating! 

 

I think one of the hardest parts of the experience can be the fact that the less we do, the more fatigued we feel, the less we want to do. It can be a tricky cycle to break out of, but it's not impossible. Even just posting about it here is doing something, so I'm glad you decided to share with us about where you're at. 

You're allowed to just hang out half of the washing if that's all you can muster. You can use baby wipes instead of having to jump in the shower every day. If you struggle to be able to brush your teeth, you can rinse with mouthwash. Doing half a thing is still more than nothing at all. And on the days where nothing at all is your only option, that's okay too. 

I hope it helps to write it out. We're here with you Heart

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

That's the thing about reward mechanisms. It happened to me. I got so disconjunctioned, when me or someone asked me what I wanted, I didn't even have an answer. Blank space. Nothin'. Lost the forest for the trees as I think they put it.

 

Think the best way to rebuild it is brick by brick. Getting into the habit of not just doing but taking the time to recognise, maintain and rewarding yourself as the doer. Then the reward mechs come back and the control mechs and some other good mechs come back with em. That's at least the best way I know. I'm open minded to other systems.

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

@Meggle 

 

Sending you love and thoughts your way. 

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

@Jynx 

 

If never heard of it before. I just put it down to a severe, heavy depression. My moods are full on too. It's not me to be like this. I mostly think of what the ex has done to me. The frustration and anger I feel towards people who have passed her complete insanity, delusions, deranged and evil deeds towards me with pathetic excuses. I feel like slapping them in the face and to stop deluding themselves. It's right their in their face, hard undeniable, beyond reasonable proof in writing and still they behave the same. It makes me want to scream, how STUPID people are. I quite frankly want to tell them just to get out of my sight. Honestly pathetic. 

 

I'm about to lose it with my housemate too. He is driving me up the wall. All he thinks about is money. 

I feel like he expects me to be the same. We are not the same. His parents bought him this house. He pays the mortgage and I pay rent. That's fine. I don't have parents. I don't have parents that will buy me a house. I don't have parents who ever did a damn thing but abuse me. I can't stand the way he tries to get me to live the way he lives. I'm about to snap with him. 

 

I have my way of life. It isn't hurt him or bother him. I just want him to leave me alone and get on with his own life. All he needs to know is the bills are being paid and the house is staying clean. That's all. Anything else is not his business. 

 

Thank for helping me to take myself off the hook to not have to do things. 

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

@wellwellwellnez 

 

I'm sure that makes sense and made sense to you. The only bit I could understand was the blank bit. The rest was like trying to understand a thesis scientific names for flowers. Thanks for trying though. 

Re: I don't know what's wrong with me.

Yeah, I kind of make up my language as I go along sometimes.

 

But "reward mechanisms" is totally a proper science thing.

 

Reward yourself, is all I'm really saying.

 

It makes doing right things easier.

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