Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sbv]

(realise this post is a bit long, but not sure how I could have shortened it, any tips on what I could have left out and still got my point across would be appreciated)

Hi All,

I am new to the forum. I Love my wife, a lot, but she displays classic text book symptoms of Vulnerable Narcissistic personality disorder. I am not saying she is a vunerable narcissist, I don't actually know. I am almost certain though that her mother is a vulnerable narcissist and her mother interferes in our life a lot, she is always on the phone with my wife. I know the way my wife speaks and I know the way my mother in law speaks, many times when we have a problem, my wife is talking but I can hear she is almost possessed in a way by my mother in law at that point.

I am now at a stage where I am prepared to put in a lot of hard work and make the # 1 priority in my life to making sure my wife and I stop having so many fights and that she is genuinely happy in her life with me (we have 2 beautiful kids and their lives shouldn't be affected because of their parent(s) issues).

Easier said than done...

I don't even know where to start. maybe someone on this forum can help me. I am not looking for free help, but I know that if she goes to see a psych professional she will manipulate them into supporting her already twisted ideas and it will only make things worse. 

Maybe all I need is someone to listen to me and say "I hear you buddy"

Maybe someone actually can give me an example of having saved their relationship even though their spouse was a vulnerable narcissist (or maybe they were being influenced by a vulnerable narcissist).

But I definitely need support. Until I figure out what to do, I just need to be completely cool and collected.

a little bit of background first, We have just had a major fight in which my wife just came up to me and grabbed me by the arm and started yelling at me, she grabbed me with such force she left me with bruises and scars on my arm

Then she came and apologised. I tried to explain to her that part of the reason she gets angry is that she always sees the grass as being greener on the other side and for this reason she is never content and is therefore always unhappy with what she has, rookie mistake, I have now learnt that with a vulnerable narcissist you should never call them out on their delusions, lesson learnt.

Another problem is that she says I don't respect her mother. Now, just to give my wife an example of how much I respect and take care of her mother I reminded her that just last year I took her mother and her on an overseas trip. my wife and my mother in law both agree that my mother in law is very high maintenance and very difficult to deal with, but I am expected to respect her, fine if that makes my wife happy then I am happy to do that. When we were on the trip my wife and her mother fought with me a lot and on very petty issues.  After I had reminded my wife about the trip, she totally discounted the fact that I had accompanied them on the trip and just brought up the fact that I shouldn't have fought with her mother. So here is where I need help. I need someone to tell me that I am either:

A. Completely out of line and should not feel bad. or;

B. That I am right and should just suck it in if I have decided to live with my wife and put her happiness first. or;

C. If someone has had a similar situation, I would like to find out how they dealt with it.

[NikNik]

Hi @sbv

Welcome to the Forums.

It can be really tricky to diagnose someone without seeing a mental health professional. Some of the personality disorders can be quite similar, so just be cautious of that.

I just wanted to check if she is seeking any professional support?

Does her mental health imact other elements of her life?

Again, welcome! I hope you find the forums helpful.

[sbv]

She is looking to get help...

Not sure if I should tag along with her to the sessions.

Her mental health is having a severe and negative impact on all aspects of her life and she acknowledges this.

[NikNik]

Well that's a great first step @sbv!

In terms of tagging along with her, I think it will be up to her. It can be helpful to have a loved one there sometimes, so everyone is on the same page. Other times having a loved one there can interfer with how much the person is willing to share.

I think you going to the appointment is a wonderful supportive idea - it might just be that you wait in the waiting area 🙂

How is she going finding someone to see? Has she been to the GP yet?