Lived Experience Forum

[Fairwingal5973]

Hi, My partner recently called the CATT team after they visited me and they told him I have BPD. They told him that I would react violently if I was told, that I am unable to be loved, and that I am unable of providing love.

I have never been violent to anyone and I just broke down crying. Everything I have been reading about the condition makes it seem like I am "evil" deep down, makes me harm everyone I love, that I am manipulative, and have caused my own traumas (being raped from childhood until turning 22).

I don't understand any of it. What the symptoms are sound like how I feel, but I would never hurt someone I love. I would rather take the pain then see them upset for a moment. I am all very confused about this.

I know I have PTSD diagnosed by my psychiatrist. But upon hearing all of this I feel like all of the rapes and abuse must have been my fault because I have BPD. Which is making it really hard for me to cope day to day.

But I am having a hard time understanding the BPD and coping with how it makes me a bad person deep down. I am almost scared of myself and feel guilty for being alive if I am causing that kind of pain to those I love.

I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I am so ashamed of who I am with this diagnosis. I am hoping I am not understanding this illness correctly because I do not know how I could continue on knowing I am incapable of loving others are only capable of hurting them. Could someone help me understand? Please?

[Teej]

Hi @Fairwingal5973

I just wanted to say that you are not evil deep down and that BPD did not cause your traumas, it’s that the traumas likely caused some of the BPD traits. 

BPD traits are really different for everyone, we all have different ways of dealing with our really big emotions. It seems like the advice your boyfriend was given was very 'harsh' and possibly not correct for you. It feels very stereotypical to me. BPD can be inward turning too. I’m not sure but maybe you can identify as someone with a quiet or inward turning BPD. There’s a few helpful things on the net if you want to look at that. 

It is a hurdle but one that you can overcome. For me breaking things down into the things that caused me most problems helped, being labeled and stereotyped not so much 😬. I’m still working at it. Maybe it will be helpful to look at the things that you could work on and learn ways to deal with them more effectively. 

[Tortoiseshell]

Hi @Fairwingal5973,

That is a very intense thing to happen recently, to receive a diagnosis in that way, and to be told something so stigmatising about it. Have you checked out this diagnosis with your psychiatrist? I'm really sorry this has made you feel like you're bad and that you are feeling so much shame around this diagnosis.

There is some information from the Sane website here about Borderline Personality Disorder which is hopefully less upsetting to you, as it talks about how with support and treatment people with this diagnosis can live the full life that they want. Here is another article from Sane with people's different reactions to receiving a new diagnosis.

Also there are other discussions on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) on the forums that might be of interest to you. Here is one started by @outlander.

Take care of yourself at this hard time,

Tortoiseshell

[Fairwingal5973]

Thank you so much @Teej,

Your message meant so much to me to read. I like your advice about identifying items that are causing me difficulty. Hopefully, this will help me react more appropriately. Most often when I feel overwhelmed I turn to self-harm or suicide attempts. But they are never meant to hurt anyone, it just feels like everything is too much and I would do anything for the pain to stop. Not that it is a good reason or a method I should continue to use. But something I need to identify triggers so that one day I don't accidentally follow through when it is not what I want.

Thank you again so much for responding to my message. It really really meant a lot that someone out there cared enough to message.

[Fairwingal5973]

Hi @Tortoiseshell,

Thank you so much for all of your helpful links. I have an appointment with my doctor next Monday and I plan to speak with her about what I have been told. I am hoping she can help me understand further. 

I just read the information that SANE provided. It really helped a lot. But to be honest I still feel very ashamed of the diagnosis and like I am an "evil" person as my partner said the CATT team described.

I will read the different reactions and the recommended forum shortly. Hopefully it will help clear a few things up for me.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my message, it really really means a lot to see that other people are out there who do care about me.

[CheerBear]

Hi @Fairwingal5973. I read your post this morning feeling sad and frustrated to hear what you've been through. I'm so sorry to hear you had the experience you did.

During my first contact with mental health crisis services I too was given a diagnosis of BPD and a lot of the responses to that were really unhelpful. Over time and with regular contact with a clinical psychologist my diagnosis changed, but I won't ever forget the way I was treated by many when I had a diagnosis of BPD and the way I can still be treated when BPD is questioned (which is almost every time I have contact with new health professionals).

It's really hard to go through the experiences we do as it is and sometimes the responses of others to those experiences aren't at all helpful and can make it feel and be even harder. I know many people find it helpful to be diagnosed with BPD and to be able to seek support with it, but I also know of many people who find it a hurtful label that doesn't recognise or understand the very real suffering that is going on for them. When that has happened to me I have at times felt ashamed, misunderstood, judged, dismissed and like there is something very wrong with me as a person.

I can understand how you might also be questioning whether you're to blame for the abuse you experienced. Abuse is behind my experience with mental health issues too and when I've felt the effect and pain of stigma I have found myself questioning the same kinds of things. It's taken me a while but I can now see that the abuse I experienced was a choice that someone else made and not something I caused. I don't believe that having BPD (or any mental health condition or personality trait) causes abuse, but rather, like Teej mentioned, violence and abuse is often behind mental health issues.

I also believe that mental health challenges are only a part of someone, not the whole part. While it can be consuming to live with mental illness or disorders, it is not all that someone is and there is a lot more to a person than the symptoms they experience. Being on the forum has helped me to see that there is so much more to people beyond their diagnosis, which has helped me to see that there is also a lot more to me than the labels I am given and live with. When I've felt like I'm a bad person because of what I experience, it has helped me to remember this.

It's really great to see you here where there's a lot of understanding and support. Take care.