Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Kkmum]

I have a 25 yr old son with undiagnosed MI.  They think bipolar but after over 5 yrs they still have not given a diagnosis. He still lives at home and has basically taken over my life. Or tries to. He is very demanding and I realise now he is quite manipulating. He is currently in hospital, trying to come off some drugs and start on others and also withdrawing from dope.  He is always miserable. Always either sad or angry and always looking for someone else to blame. No matter how much I try to get him out, join a gym etc he says he can’t. I always seem to make excuses for him because of his MI but am beginning to think the time has to come for him to take responsibility for his life. I am beginning to wonder if he does not want to get better.   He is currently seeing a psychologist- but says it’s not helping. He won’t  open up and talk. He is very negative and always doom and gloom.     How much can I expect his to take responsibility for. I don’t want him living with me forever.  I would like to see him become independent and look after himself. But he has it to good at home and I have probably made it to good for him. How do I find help to get him out in the community. And where do I draw the line in the sand.   I think I have enabled some of his bad behaviours in the past by using his MI as an excuse but I want to know how to turn that around.   He texts me and rings me constantly even when I am at work and if I don’t answer straight away I get an abusive message.  I am so lost and feel that my life I see being taken away from me and the energy zapped from me. His father is not in his life and has not been for many years.  He tried to punish me Or make me feel bad I feel I go out with friends etc. am doing leave him.   Can anyone help with any suggestions as to how to manage an adult son with MI that is more like an emotionally abusive  husband.   Thanks 

[greenpea]

@Kkmum You mention drawing the line in the sand ... if he is being emotionally abusive towards you then I figure that is the line. No way should you have to put up with that regardless of his diagnosis (I have bipolar 1 and am schizoaffective). Sounds to me he needs to know his boundaries that is if he is living at home he should either pay rent or clean up around the house etc. cook dinner, look for work etc and above all that be pleasant to his long suffering mother or he will have to find other accomodation.

[Kkmum]

I believe he is being emotionally abusive. And he uses the ‘no one cares about me’.   He can be rude and uses his depression as an excuse and I suppose I have let him get away with it believing that it’s because of his MI.  I don’t know anyone else with a son or spouse like this so I guess I am not sure what can Be excused by their illness.    He doesn’t pay rent. Doesn’t help out although he does do his own washing etc. he says he can’t work because of his depression, anxiety.   Thank you for your comments.  It helps me a lot.  

[Owlunar]

Hi @Kkmum

I have read your post and I do indeed understand some of what you are going through and yes - that line needs to be drawn but in something a bit more stable than sand

I had a son with emotional and other psychological disorders -  I know how devastating this can be for you - really is for you

All I can suggest is to get onto Parents Anonymous and get into a Tough Love programme - I took this root a long time ago and had the support I needed

I can only wish you the best - you must be feeling desperate and I understand

Parents Anonymous and Tough Love should be easily located on your browers - I will look myself

Dec - 

[Kkmum]

Thank you so much. yes I am desperate. Both to help him and to help myself. I have recently found out about tough love and in fact the social worker at the hospital has put me on to some resources I can use.  this is the first time I have felt there is any help our there for us.

However my son has recently told me that his psychologist in the hospital has said I have to be more tolerant of his behaviour because he cant help it. I am not sure i agree with that and I feel I have been too tolerant and have become his door mat.   So I definately need professional help. 

I really appreciate your input. Thank you

[Acacia]

Hi @Kkmum and welcome to the Forums. It sounds like you have been supporting your son under challenging circumstances for a long time – no wonder you are beginning to feel like the energy is being zapped from you! 

There are quite a few members here on the Forums who provide love and support to sons who live with mental illness. Your stories are all different, but there are some common threads. For example, others have found themselves wondering if their behaviour has been enabling at times. 

You might like to read @Nanna10’s post here, @znp’s post here, @Capricorn28’s post here, @oddity’s post here, @Joy93’s post here and @perseverer’s post here. Or perhaps those members will have some insights to offer from their own experiences.

@Kkmum, I’m wondering if you have support for yourself. There are organisations such as Carers Australia , Mind and the Mental Illness Fellowship, that provide support to friends and family members of people living with mental illness including counselling, workshops and face-to-face support groups.

[Kkmum]

Acacia thank you so much for the links to those posts and also the resources you have advised me of. I was honestly beginning to believe there was no help out there either for him or me.

He has just been told by the hospital psychologist that I need to be more compassionate and understanding of his condition. That came as a shock as I dont think there could be a more compassionate person out there. in fact I think I have been too compassionate and enabled some of his behaviours.  I pay his bills, and pay for his phone and he doesnt pay rent or contribute to the household at all. and that is my fault, I see that now. But now he is being told I have to basically let him get away with some of his behaviours because " he cant help it"!   that is how i got to where I am and so far it is not working for either of us!

I lost my husband ( his step father) at the beginning of the year and have been through a tumultuos time with his chronic illness over 8 yrs. I am reading the various posts and certainly finding some common threads there and it has given me some hope. Thank you

[Owlunar]

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@Kkmum wrote:

Thank you so much. yes I am desperate. Both to help him and to help myself. I have recently found out about tough love and in fact the social worker at the hospital has put me on to some resources I can use.  this is the first time I have felt there is any help our there for us.

However my son has recently told me that his psychologist in the hospital has said I have to be more tolerant of his behaviour because he cant help it. I am not sure i agree with that and I feel I have been too tolerant and have become his door mat.   So I definately need professional help. 

I really appreciate your input. Thank you

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Hi @Kkmum

I am really glad you are finding some support here and I encourage you to find support in the community as well - the more contact you can get the better - I have been through that mill and know what a rough and tough place this is

I notice that your son told you that the psychologist said you need to be more tolerant - not the psychologist - I might be wrong but I think this is your son trying to manipulate you and to check that out - there is no need at all to be more tolerant toward a person who is sucking you dry - your son is 25 old now and MI or no MI - it is time for him to be looking out for himself and it is important you do find out as much as you can about Tough Love and go to the Families Anonymous Meetings yourself and get the support you need

It is many years since I was there but the other members are there for each other 24/7 

It is not at all an easy road to take and I am already sure that you have an idea of what it might mean - I can tell you more but right now I am not sure - I do know that it is a terrible place for you to be in and to no longer have the support of your husband makes it harder

I hope you keep in touch - I know the heartache and the despair

Dec

Families Anonymous and Tough Love are available on the internet - all the best

[Kkmum]

Dec, I just want to hug you!  I am so appreciative that someone can tell me that he is an adult and even with MI he has to take responsibility for his life. I feel that he thinks its my responsibilty to fix everything for him.  When i go out etc I always get the silent treatment or get told off because I have gone out with my friends.  Unfortunately I cant get hold of the hospital psychologist but I am going to see my own Psychologist tonight to ask for some direction. 

I see other people with sons with MI issues and theor sons are living out of home - I dont even know where to start for that to happen.  For a start he could not afford to live out of home, and he always has an excuse as to why he cant do that. or if I do suggest him being indepenant then he says I dont care about him and are just trying to get rid of him.

He can be very manipulative, there is no doubt about that.

Thanks again.

[Owlunar]

Thanks @Kkmum

One thing we learn when we start to practise Tough Love is that we try and tell the person with MI that we  do indeed love them but we will not put up with their nonsense and other bad behaviours 

If they want to carry on like 2 year olds - and that's pretty much the standand of behaviour they can use - then we tell them to go and do that somewhere else - 

They will - of course - tell us we are uncaring people and they have done or are doing no wrong - so first we need them to listen to us and we try and let them know what is acceptable - alas this is easier said than done - and this will be very hard for you when you do not have other adult back-up at home

Talk about this with your therapist tonight - one thing is for sure - it will be very hard and this is why you need the 24/7 backup of other members of Families Anonymous

One thing is for sure - he is an adult and I bet he likes to use his free-will. One thing I know about people who abuse free-will is that they end up in prison or MI public hospitals with their choices taken away from them - I know you don't want this but maybe it's time he realised this can happen

I really know how scary all of this is

Dec