Hello everyone,
I read a story from russellcarnes but can't find the same post on this discussion - probably my computer skills or lack thereof. Russell sounded desperate which is how I felt when I posted on this forum. Yes, I would have liked the men in white coats to come and take my son away too and sort him out but the truth is there is no easy answer. It was many months ago when I first sat down and read through these stories and posted my own out of desperation but for a while the only thing that changed was me and my response to my son. I made myself stop saying anything negative to him and to give words of encouragement whenever there was a good reason - usually such occasions would go unremarked but the books said to speak up with words of encouragement so I did. Small changes are all that have happened in my son but also only small setbacks lately - a general move in the right direction...but very slow.
He is working five days a week in a supermarket, not full days but he has a reason to get out of bed everyday and he is proving to be reliable. My son has been given some responsibility while the boss is away and I said that he should feel flattered about that. My son's reaction is that there was no one else so it's no big deal. I told him that if he was unreliable or incapable the boss would have found someone else and that he is doing well. The dope, the alcohol and the gambling are still ongoing. I bring the subject up every now and then and last night I asked for an update on all three. He told me that when he runs out of dope, he doesn't feel anxious and that he needs to go straight out and buy more. He can wait now and so I said that I was pleased to hear that and perhaps he could try putting more distance between the time he's out of dope and buying it again because longterm use of dope is such a concern for me and should be for him. No comment came back. On alcohol, he said that does not drink to get drunk and enjoys a few drinks. When I asked what a few meant, he said two or three (not sure if he can count cos it's more than that I believe). I asked him if he'd consider doing an alcohol free day and see how he feels after it. No comment came back. On gambling, he said that he's sick of the pokies and only gambles online and sticks to a budget. I said I was really pleased that he was stemming the flow of his hard earned money to the gambling industry because they don't deserve it. I've never had to work so hard but one thing I did learn only fairly recently is that my husband's grandmother was diagnosed with depression back in the early 1940's so it helps me to know that genetically there could be a link to explain his behaviour somewhat. He certainly ticks a lot of boxes for ADD. I don't want to bludgeon him with my beliefs on what is right or wrong behaviour if he is mentally compromised in some way but neither do I want to give him any excuses to not keep trying to break free of his dark shadow that stalks him around the place.
I would also have to credit the return home of his older brother over the past 4 months as a big influence on the more mature behaviour my 21yo (now 22yo) son has been displaying. A bit more help around the house, a $50 note handed to be to make up for some of the money that's gone missing from my room, a general pick up in his demeanour.
Let's hope it keeps on going in the right direction but he has a long way to go.
Russell, if it's any help, I tell myself that things happen for a reason and for some reason I have a son who needs a lot more care than I ever imagined he should. He frustrates the living daylights out of me but I do feel that he may have some mental health issues that will take time to manage. I could spend a fortune on psychologists or psychiatrists but ultimately he knows what he needs to do, he is just not prepared to do it in a hurry. I hope that your son can realise that he needs to make some changes and finds a way to do that and that you can find the strength to support him. I feel depleted on many occasions and find it hard to find pleasure in things that I used to enjoy. As soon as I go down that road, I stop thinking about my son and start to think about my other two sons and my life generally which has been well and truly blessed. Don't let your boy rob you of your pleasure in life. Build some sort of barrier by doing things like taking a long walk or looking at some photos of your boy when he was gorgeous and loveable. Find that little boy in your 21yo frankenstein...lol
Best wishes to all of you with your sons and husbands too.
Janie
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