Skip to main content
Forums Home
Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

cancel
Showing results for 
Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Something’s not right

Janie
Contributor

21 year old son with mental health problems

Hi, I am new to this forum and have joined because I am living with an adult child who has an undiagnosed mental disorder. He is 21 and not working or learning. He worked in a supermarket and saved over $10K. Since he left that job he has smoked dope, gambled most of the money, isolated himself from friends and basically allowed his dark shadows to control his life. Just recently he agreed to come to the GP with me and was prescribed anti-depressants and advised to get of dope as quickly as possible. He was with HeadSpace but felt that he was not getting anything out of the sessions so stopped going. He has agreed to see psychologist in our local area.  I am very grateful for the services available to him.

I just don't understand his negativity. He is a young, good looking person with a terrible attitude to life. I woke up one night in a cold sweat thinking that something terrible must have happened to him that I didn't know about and asked him but he said 'no'.  He dropped out of a TAFE course that he started when he left school because he basically couldn't handle adult education and taking responsibility for himself. I broached the idea that he may be suffering with ADD and he agreed telling me that he'd been researching why he felt the way he did.... lost, lonely, sad, a gumby (his words) and that ADD came up as a reason.  He was seeing a kinesiologist over the course of a year while he was working and ultimately she told me that his belief system mirrors that of an alcoholic or drug addict meaning that his problems are caused by circumstances that are outside of his control and that he is a victim. That is certainly how he behaves.

He is self aware and is often researching why he feels like he does and has flagged the idea that he is a narcissist and may have an Avoidant personality disorder. His father and I are keeping a close eye on him and supporting him to the extent that he has a safe home, good food, parents who love him and will support him emotionally but it's hard. It's hard seeing him lay in bed all day, complain about life and not try. I have taken away the x-box controllers; I take away any dope or bongs that I find. I read the books with him that the psychologist has recommended and read other books from the library.

The thing he does that drives me mad is agree to do something and then at the last minute tell me that he didn't agree to it at all (avoidance.....or control?) I don't know.  This weekend we booked to go away for 3 nights which he agreed to and now tonight he says he won't come. It's upsetting because he has a younger brother who wants him to come. My husband has said that if he doesn't come then none of us will go. I doubt that he will feel any sort of guilt about that. In fact I know he'll just say that it's not his problem. I imagine you're thinking why we would want to take a 21 year old with us anyway but with the way he is it would be irresponsible to leave him at home alone.

I have spoken to a few people who have said that 'it's a boy thing and he'll grow out of it'. I really do hope so. I don't know how to motivate someone who is so determined to live like a victim of his fears. I wonder if any of you have any thoughts, experiences or ideas.

 

69 REPLIES 69

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Welcome to the forums @Janie

I hope you will find this a supportive place, and maybe even get some helpful tips or advice.

I'm sorry to hear that your son is so unhappy and doesn't seem to be doing anything particularly fulfilling at the moment. It does seem a shame that he has quit work and gambled most of his money away. It's understandable that you would feel disappointed and concerned.

I have an adult son with MI living at home with me, so I understand some of your frustration. I find it annoying when he backs out of things, fails to contribute at home and is generally unreliable.

I have had to stipulate that he must not take any drugs at all whilst living here, and although he doesn't believe they cause him any harm, he at least complies out of respect thankfully.

It's great that your son is self-aware and interested to find out what's causing him to feel so negative. Hopefully he will have some sessions with a local psychologist, that could be very helpful. It may also be helpful to get a referral to see a psychiatrist. Getting a diagnosis can be helpful

I don't know anything about ADD.....but the gambling and dope-smoking may suggest a tendency to addiction. Perhaps you could encourage him in setting a positive goal or two to work towards?

Anyway, as you say, it's great that you and your husband are providing a safe home and as much support as you can, and trying to include him as much as possible. It can be tiring though, so make sure you look after yourself as well: give yourself a break from time to time, doing something YOU enjoy.

I hope things will soon be looking up 

@Louise

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Hi @Janie

Welcome to the forums.  

It seems to me that some of the behaviours you are describing can be found in young adults of his age regardless of the other issues going on .... but as a mother of teens and twenty-somethings, it sure can be hard trying to tell the wood from the trees ..... and the use of dope would absolutely be clouding the situation further.

It is good to see that your son has an awareness that there is something amiss, and is both actively seeking answers himself, and being prepared to visit medical professionals.

I have a husband deep in denial at the moment .... and we are "double-blind" without diagnosis or treatment .... grrr ..... 

it can help to know you are not alone.  There are other parents here struggling with mi issues in their children, compounding the "baby dragon" nature of the teen-adults which is challenging already.

Keep swimming ... life doesn't stay the same .... maturity and other variables will kick in to help on the road to healing.

Take care ....

🌷💜

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

hello @Janie

How are you?

My son had his first psychosis at this age......he also went through all his money and quit University.

From my experiences I can feel that your situation is maybe similar but what @Faith-and-Hope writes makes sence to me about him being a young adult. Also @Louise

It feels your son has : 

he is getting / got kinesiology

got you: Is at home. he has his Father, you younger brother around him. 

He has had a taste of work and saving money.

He has gone to TAFE.

Can I ask you if these factors have happened?

Breakup with a girlfriend/ boyfriend?

Any other stressful situations that he has'nt felt he can manage?

Looking forward ti hear ing from you, take care, these things are all about little steps......It feels like he has a lot of hope .........

PP

 

 

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Thank you for your replies and support.

As far as I know my son has never had a serious girlfriend or boyfriend. I have asked him if he is drawn to girls or boys and he rolled his eyes and said girls. It wouldn't matter to his father or me, we're realistic in our beliefs on sexual orientation. I do believe that he is not a virgin.

I'd like to believe that he is just very shy and immature but I feel that he has reached an age where maturity should be kicking in and he should be getting a handle on his shyness. He is more immature than his 15 year old brother in his behaviour and attitude.

He has accuses me of never talking to him about anything other than getting a job or help for his behaviour. Whilst I would love to talk to him about other things there is a problem and that is that he doesn't do anything so there's not a lot to say. Today he spent the whole day in bed. I tell him about my day, my childhood stories, his childhood stories. I talk to him about the footy but those conversations get repetitive.

He blames his father and me for making him feel useless. While I get where he's coming from, we've never said or done anything for the wrong reasons. We've always taken the time to explain why we believe something is in or against his best interests. His older and younger brothers have been brought up the same way and they have flourished. I'm now trying different approaches with him but in the end I feel that it's not from the heart and that it's more of a response to his control tactics.

We ended up leaving him at home alone for the long weekend and today I found an empty bottle of whiskey so you can get an idea of what he thinks a worthwhile use of his free time is.

I will take up your advice and phone a psychiatrist to discuss the process for a diagnosis. I've also got another agency to ring about mentoring.

I'm not trying to control him and I do look after me. I just want to keep trying to help him because I care.

 

 

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Some of it sounds like baby dragon behaviour @Janie ..... so please factor that in for teens and twenty-somethings anyway .... but whatever else is going on with him will be exacerbating that ..... trying to find themselves and which way is up ....

And we do want the best for them.

image.jpeg

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Dearest @Janie

How are you? 

Thank you for answering my questions...I felt so close to you when I read your message about your son. My oldest son .....living in another state than me......shows this type of behaviour as well. My brother went to visit him once and he couldn't see him from the heavy waft of smoke above his bed from  his smoking and the smell of the dirty sheets on his bed...........

I like your realistic views on your son. 

He needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour......like @Faith-and-Hope writes.......

you are doing the BEST thing but maybe..... I wonder if his lying around is a manipulation  ??

I deeply apologise if Im on the wrong track......but It feels like he is.

Just a Tic, Im going to look something up......

Can you get him to the psychiatrist okay. You are a wonderful caring lady. But he needs to see a councellor. These are my thoughts. You can disagree....I may be wrong but it feels like that he is out of whack of the family culture. This has nothing to do with your parenting or brothers or your husband but something that is going inside him.

Youi are so brave for writing here. Thank you, Please keep me informed of how you are, Oh, have I been there and am there now,

PP

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Thanks Faith & Hope and Peppi Patti,

Can you point me in the direction of some more information on baby dragon behaviour please. I'm not familiar with it.

I tried to contact a psychiatrist on Friday but his answer machine message said that he is away for 2 weeks. However, my son told me that he made an appointment with a psychologist of his own volition (he has seen this man once before) so I think that it a good step as I've always been the one to make the appointment which he has agreed to but would not actually book it. We also went to a family wedding last night. We have a lovely family and it was a great night shared with lots of great people. It was touch and go as to whether my son would go to the wedding until one hour before we had to leave which is when he made the decision to come along. He normally likes these events and getting together with cousins etc except that they are all a bit older than him, well educated, have careers and live good lives. My son dreads answering the question 'what are you doing with yourself' and avoids contact with people who will ask it.

I watched him last night - he was sitting at a different table to us and he was laughing and chatting to a group of young people he'd never met before. They didn't know anything about him so he could just relax and enjoy himself. When we got home we sat around and chatted about the wedding over a cup of tea and my son had funny anecodes and positive things to contribute to the conversation.

His appointment with the counsellor is this week.

Bye for now

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Hi @Janie 😊

This is "baby dragon" behaviour .....

"It was touch and go as to whether my son would go to the wedding until one hour before we had to leave which is when he made the decision to come along."

In their teens and into their twenty-somethings apparently the brain undergoes another rapid growth spurt, akin to what happens with toddlers in the "terrible twos, threes, fours" age range ..... you know, temper tantrums, oppositional, defiant, rude, then suddenly become a ray of sunshine and make you proud .... for ten minutes .... then roll their eyes at your next question .....

They are trying to come to terms with their own identity as independent from their parents.  They become fixated on theings being fair at times and can start to argue with you about social injustices, etc.  They leave a trail of mess through the house everywhere they go. And change their minds like the wind .... 

It's all part of their maturation, the hormonal and emotional cocktail they become at this point into their lives, and moodiness is a strong marker .... 

Of course when there is mental illness present, and if you haven't experienced life with teens before, it can become all the more challenging trying to work out where the one finishes and the other one begins.

It's when they start to emerge from this baby dragon state that all the parenting you have put into them starts to reveal itself - manners, consideration, values ..... and that is because they have begun to assume their own take on these things, starting to step out as adults.

🌷💜

 

Re: 21 year old son with mental health problems

Hello @Janie

The baby dragon behaviour.....lol......

Okay, the problems here is 

1. fear and depression (who knows whats going through their minds....)

2. fear of the future ( what ARE you doing with your life?)

3. Fear of living (When ARE you going to move out?) 

My advise is going to be hard work for you. You need to get into contact with:

MI agencies like ARAFMI and ask for best Psychiatrists.

MI agencies for support for you and making sure that you are doing the right thing every day.

GP  with him to get a referal for him to get to a PSychiatrist. HE may need medication. Where I live in WEstern Australia, my son made an appiontment with the PSychiatrist and when it's getting really hard for him, he will not go back. It's very worrying for me, I have been trying to contact him and will get him there. 

Please stay in contact, Ille tell you how it's going with my son too. 

I like that @Faith-and-Hope writes when she writes in a very balanced way: 

about their brains and that.

I need really to be honest here. LAst year, my GP saw me ALL THE TIME. I wasn't coping at all. My Husband had come back and we were friends, we brokeup for over 18 months. My son has a little mini nervous breakdown. Anyway....to cut a long story short....I went to see her on Thursday, She was so thrilled to see me. I felt all that insecurity fall out the window...........

We are all interested in you, Please write here as much as you like. Please make that appiontment with your GP and contact ARAFMI. These are the only things that have gotten me through.........

PP

 

Illustration of people sitting and standing

New here?

Chat with other people who 'Get it'

with health professionals in the background to make sure everything is safe and supportive.

Register

Have an account?
Login

Further information:

  • Loading...

For urgent assistance