Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

Good morning everyone here @Shaz51 @Daisydreamer @petrichor @Peonies @HappyCastle @Former-Member @NatureLover @Former-Member @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @Jynx @wellwellwellnez @outlander @The-red-centaur   Hoping I haven't missed anyone.

Wow what a fantastic way to acknowledge IDAHOBIT day.  It's really great to see all the people in this discussion being their authentic selves and accepting each other across the spectrum of LGBTQIA2+ realities.  And the wonderful questions that have been talked about.  Typical of me in recent times to just make it in at the end - at least I didn't miss it completely.

This year I had the pleasure of being with my transgender non-binary adult child and their family on the actual day.   I identify as pan/bisexual too so the day means a lot to us.  They live interstate and I didn't take my laptop with me, hence missing most of this discussion.  I could talk at length about so many aspects of being a parent/grandparent of non-binary individuals, but have to try to catch up in other areas of the forums too this morning.  I'll definitely check back in a bit.

Hoping there's another question today and I can join the chat in response to it.  

[Daisydreamer]

Welcome @eth and we are so glad to hear how you were able to celebrate IDAHOBIT with your child and family 🙂 

You are more than welcome to go back through and answer any of the questions that you would like to contribute to! We'd love to hear your thoughts

[Daisydreamer]

Today is our last question for the IDAHOBIT week long event, but we do encourage if you are joining the conversation in the coming days or weeks, please feel free to go back through the questions and share your thoughts. This discussion will be left open so we can keep bringing visibility to the important points raised here this week. 

With pride month just around the corner, there will be more opportunities to continue these conversations as well 🙂 

Today's question:

What do we look for in healthy and supportive relationships?

@eth @NatureLover @petrichor @Shaz51 @Peonies @wellwellwellnez @HappyCastle @Former-Member @Former-Member @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @outlander @The-red-centaur 

[Former-Member]

Hi everyone,

We have followed along with this thread but not really put anything forward but I saw this question and thought I should answer it.

---

@Daisydreamer wrote:

Today's question:

What do we look for in healthy and supportive relationships?

---

Honestly we looked for support, understanding and acceptance of our sexuality.

Babydragon's partner is absolutely supportive of this while not our whole system falls in this category we as a whole identify as bi. 

We think that being inclusive with him helps, e.g. we have a bi friend and we have fooled around and we don't hide this from him and he doesn't see it as cheating. We also have had a few threesomes as well so we guess it's benefited him as well and we don't see it as him cheating as we introduced her to the relationship. 

Also where we found most girls get jealous of their partner looking at other girls we join in agreeing or disagreeing with him which honestly we think still shocks him especially when you have girls like babydragon's sister who didn't talk to her partner for 2 days after he said the new girl behind the counter at their local fish and chips place was hot.

Honestly we think the most important thing is to be completely honest with your partner and for them to be the same.

(Harmony and Chloe 《co-fronting》)

[petrichor]

Trust.

[eth]

Trust is tantamount for me too.  But also reflective/relational listening, acknowledgment and acceptance, compromise at times because we are not ever going to agree with everything another thinks/feels - we are all individuals after all.  And respect.  And ideally the ability to enjoy doing things together and give each other a laugh sometimes.

@Daisydreamer @Former-Member @NatureLover @Shaz51 @petrichor  and others reading here.

I'm going to look back at the questions from earlier in the week and have a go at answering at least some of them.

 @NatureLover @petrichor @Shaz51 @Peonies @wellwellwellnez @HappyCastle @girasole @florenceforty @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @outlander @The-red-centaur

[eth]

Favourite thing about being part of the LGBTQIA+ - 2 things - open mindedness and respect of different people's choices and ways of being.

Connecting with others who identify as part of LGBTQIA+ communities and mutual acceptance, finding others of similar persuasion and knowing I'm not alone in being outside mainstream stereotypes, and the parties (of course the parties)!!!  These things bring me joy and resilience.  With online being such a big part of the world these days (it wasn't until I was in my early 30's) it's so much easier to 'find your tribe' and often these connections then spill over into offline life.  I know my adult child has found international and local support as they've gone through their transition and this has literally helped them stay alive and be brave enough to be living their authentic self at last.  And amazing support in non-binary parenting too.  This brings me great joy.  

 @NatureLover @petrichor @Shaz51 @Peonies @wellwellwellnez @HappyCastle @girasole @florenceforty @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @outlander @The-red-centaur @Daisydreamer @Former-Member 

[eth]

Issues facing the community or things I wish more people knew :

Firstly, we're actually several communities that overlap in some places, imo.

Language evolution is huge and very significant, particularly pronoun use but there are other things too.  e.g. the names of different ways of identifying - I find myself explaining nonbinary over and over again,   and in order to support my transgender nonbinary adult child I've learned quite a large new vocabulary, all of which I accept and respect and care enough to actually try to get right.  For them, if a person continues to use the wrong language they feel that person doesn't care enough about them or respect their rights to authenticity.  Especially if a person continues to use their former name.  

And one thing that really gets me is the debate over who can use which bathrooms ... it's nobody's business what parts a person has in their pants!

Another issue that is real in my life is the learning of what it means to parent (and grandparent) beyone the binary - my elder grandchild chose to use 'she' words by the age of 3 and my younger one is still not identifying, which IS OK!  

I wish people would realise that sexuality choices are not the same as gender identity realities.

 @NatureLover @petrichor @Shaz51 @Peonies @wellwellwellnez @HappyCastle @girasole @florenceforty @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @outlander @The-red-centaur @Daisydreamer @Former-Member 

[eth]

A story of support :   I continue to watch my adult child's partner evolve with them and give them unconditonal love and support and respect and trust.  My adult child went from being called f at birth to coming out as nonbinary, took T for a few years, went off it twice to concieve a baby successfully and back on it in between and since, and in 2019 had a double mastectomy.  They had only waited so long as they wanted to be able to chestfeed their babies.  Their husband identifies as 'cis-het' which a lot of people haven't heard - i.e. he's heterosexual and identifies as male, which he was asigned at birth.  He is an amazing husband and father, an absolute rock in my adult child's life.  They've been together since high school and are now in their 30's with a 7 and a 2 1/2 year old children.  I have so much respect for him, especially as I stayed with them when my adult child had the surgery and saw his limitless acceptance and sensitivity through that process and their recovery.  I stayed with them last weekend and they are as solid a union as they've ever been.

 @NatureLover @petrichor @Shaz51 @Peonies @wellwellwellnez @HappyCastle @girasole @florenceforty @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @outlander @The-red-centaur @Daisydreamer @Former-Member 

[eth]

 @NatureLover @petrichor @Shaz51 @Peonies @wellwellwellnez @HappyCastle @girasole @florenceforty @Sophie1 @Appleblossom @outlander @The-red-centaur @Daisydreamer @Former-Member 

I think I've already spoken to the questions about being an ally and the use of language in my raves above.

There is one other aspect I need to acknowledge here.  I have done my best to educate myself and be the best ally I know how to be, which is developing all the time since my adult child came out about 10 years ago - the main thing is to listen to them and adapt to their needs as they realize themself, with respect.  But I do still experience moments of grief and self-blame and guilt as a parent for not knowing that they were living with dysphoria from a very early age.  Neither of us knew the language or even the options, despite me identifying as queer.  Even within LGBTQIA+ (and Q for questioning, and 2+ for twin spirit in many cultures and I'll throw in P for polyamorous too - we call it 'alphabet soup'!) communities, non-binary was not discussed or really known as one of the possible identities in our post-colonial western society (for want of a better description).  I am so glad that my adult child now lives a life where they can really be their authentic self, and that we in our immediate family have been able to evolve, and will continue to do so.