Lived Experience Forum

[LostOne71]

Hi @Grayman 

Thanks for your message, I appreciate it. 

This was actually my first forum, you're right, it can be a little daunting, but everyone has been helpful and I have found sharing has helped too.

I hope you're safe and well.

Take care

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @LostOne71 ,

Thank you for your messages. I’m having trouble winding down tonight so I’ve been going through the Australian BPD Foundation bulletin for this month. There’s amazing opportunities there: https://bpdfoundation.org.au

If you go to their July bulletin, you can register for a 2-hour info session with Spectrum (personality disorder specialist in Vic). There’s also a 6 week online program run by project air as part of their research. There’s also links to current BPD research.

You can look for supports in your state via this bulletin. 

Now, as for your question about MBT. I completed this 18 month treatment program with Spectrum in Vic. It consisted of a weekly 1 hr individual session with a key clinician, and group therapy for approx 1.5-2hrs each week.

The max number for the group is 8, with two group facilitators. Each week, we began with a check-in then honed in on a particular focus that was relevant to a participant’s life eg. anger outburst, SH, trauma etc. We would practice the skill of mentalising (thinking about our thinking) and learn to feel comfortable to sit with unpleasantness and curiosity. We discussed varying stances and viewpoints of the situation we were focusing on, and the facilitators did an amazing job of modelling the skill of mentalising. Over the course of the 18months, I didn’t notice a change in my way of thinking and often thought to give up the intense therapy. But upon completion of the program, when I was left to ‘fend for myself’ in the real world, I realised my thinking patterns had changed. 

Moving forward, the changes in the way I think have maintained. It feels as though the emotional child that was driving me to do ‘crazy’ things had finally grown up.

From not being able to function in society, I now live such a full and satisfying life.

When I look back and consider, I feel soooo privileged to be able to have been part of this MBT program. In later years, I realise how hard it is to get into the program. 

@LostOne71 , just keep persisting. It’s a hard tough journey but it will be totally worth it once the emotional child ‘grows up’. The emotion teenage stage is even harder. But once youve ‘grown up’, there’s little evidence to show that you’ll regress and go back in your recovery.

Hold on. Speak soon,

BPDSurvivor

[Grayman]

Hi Lostone,
Thank you for your encouraging reply.
Persevere with your recovery journey.
You are not alone.

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Grayman @LostOne71 ,

How are you both going?

BPDSurvivor

[LostOne71]

Hey @BPDSurvivor and crew,

Thanks for touching base, I’m sorry I’ve not been in touch.

Wow, the last few weeks I’ve actually been down a bit of a rabbit hole… Numb, spiralling and dark, time has just gone by without me.

I ended up telling my partner about the BPD… They tell me I’m probably wrong, where’s my proof, differential diagnosis etc…. I just can’t fight this crap, I’m just empty, it’s challenging to breathe, my chest feels tired, my teeth and jaw ache… It’s weird but the only way I can describe it.

I simply don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t want to actively hurt myself, I think this is actually worse than that. I can’t bring myself to live… by that I mean participate in normal daily stuff. I get up, move to the lounge room, occasionally eat, sometimes find clean clothes etc… 

Part of my brain says I need to do something about this, days, weeks are just passing by, I’m trying to push through, the internal argument is exhausting.

There has to be a light at the end of the tunnel… I’ve just got to find it…

[Paperdaisy]

Hey @LostOne71 it sounds like sharing that information has been invalidating and I'm sorry to hear that. 

It sounds like things are really serious for you at the moment and you need some support. Do you have professional supports in place that you are seeing regularly? I'm guessing a psychiatrist gave you a diagnosis and has there been support with this? 

I'm sorry life is hard right now, I'm just here to offer support as I don't have experience with this, but I hope things improve for you. @BPDSurvivor is proof that things can get better and they will. 

I'm popping the details for crisis support here should you need them.

Wishing you all the best,

Paperdaisy