Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Maz]

I thought i had it tough when my youngest child was diagnosed with autism but that was just the beginning. After years of working hard to get some behavioural improvements from him. I can say I have been successful. However. I now have a husband who is deeply depressed. Meds don't seem to work. He has spent so much time in and out of hospi

[Maz]

He has spent so much time in and out of hospital. To top it all my daughter also suffers from depression and struggles to see her dad so unwell, plus a brother with autism. I spend my life trying to lift them up. I am permanently exhausted. I feel extremely isolated with no close family around for support. People say that I am so strong and I tell them I AM NOT strong. I have no choice. I am just cracking very silently. I dont see any light at the end of the tunnel

[NikNik]

Hi @Maz

I'm so sorry to read about the really difficult situation you're in at the moment.

Sadly, exhaustion and isolation are very common experiences for carers. 

There's a great analogy that floats around the forums. It's the phrase they use in the airline safety demonstration before take of, where they say to fit your own oxygen mask before helping others. It's a great analogy for carers, in that you have to take care of yourself, before taking care of others.

Of course this is easier said than done and it can put more pressure on us to try. There is a tipping point though, where we have to draw the line and take care of ourselves.

You mentioned you don't have family to support you, which is a shame. Would you be open to seeing a profressional? A safe place you can discuss everything that is going on. Here is some information on places and strategies you might find helpful.

You mentioned that people say you're strong, does this mean you feel comfortable talking to friends about your situation? The reason I ask is that they might be able to provide some practical support - like cooking dinner, assisting with chores (mowing lawns etc) which might not help with the mental health of your family, but gives you one less thing to worry about.

Are there any other members out there who have tips for Maz?

[NikNik]

Quick shout out @Former-Member @Janna @Appleblossom & @Shaz51 - do you have advice for Maz around managing that common feeling of exhaustion and isolation?

[Shaz51]

Hello @Maz

You mentioned that people say you're strong, does this mean you feel comfortable talking to friends about your situation? The reason I ask is that they might be able to provide some practical support - like cooking dinner, assisting with chores (mowing lawns etc) which might not help with the mental health of your family, but gives you one less thing to worry about.

I agree with @NikNik --Have you got a couple of friends that would help you

[Shaz51]

hi @Maz, Tired of trying to holding everything together -- I did this too , trying to be positive all the time is hard  until finally i found i needed some help

It took many years to find the right medication to help my husband who has MI who still has ups and downs all the time -- he has 4 children who are adults now -- yep step mum as well

I have learnt to speak up over the year and you real find out who your real friends are

if you have any questions please ask  

[Appleblossom]

They say it takes a village to raise a child, its hard when families get isolated.

Sometimes it helps to get support from outside of the family, but I also wonder if there is some way you can get the members within the family to take a little more responsibility, within their respective age ranges.  How old are your children? 

I made a little headway with my son, who had been very negative for many years and ridiculed my positivity as naive.  I felt I was pouring hope and ideas into a bottomless pit, so I started letting him see my doubts, exhaustion and frustrations more clearly.  I started expressing pessimism and then we could talk about the issues and how it actually is more self limiting than positive attitudes.  He eventually began to be more positive and that position was less polarised within the family.  We both came to be allowed to express a broader range of feelings and neither of us was locked into such limited roles.

Let the others see your tiredness and depression a bit, perhaps they can pick up a bit of slack and improve their self esteem through making a contribution to family life.

Just my ideas ...

[Former-Member]

Hello NikNik thanks for thinking of me.

Hello Maz, I hope you are still following this thread. You really have a lot going on right now. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless. One of the first things that helped me was accepting that I could not cope with everthing on my own. I can just let you know a few things that helped for me.

Getting some help is a good idea. You book a long appointment with your doctor and basically just let them know how your feeling and see what they suggest. Also see if you can find a support group. It helps to have someone who can give you a hug.

The next thing it is good to remember is that you are not alone. You have a family. See if you can find ways to let them be there for you too.

Give yourself some time out to relax and do something you really enjoy every day and refuse to feel guilty about it. Try to take one day at a time and be grateful for the little things. Regaining my sense of humour really helped.

Cheers

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member, it is greaat to hear from you

How are you ??

[Former-Member]

Hello @Shaz51. I am pretty good. I have been really busy. Worried as usual for my family members but keeping focus on my own goals. Hope you are doing okay.
Cheers.