Lived Experience Forum

[RedHorse]

The sense of peace the words "...sitting with you..." can bring me when I share my story in times of distress is truly amazing ☮️🤗

[Shaz51]

Hugs and hugs my @RedHorse xxxxx

[Dimity]

Hello @RedHorse it's been a miserable couple of weeks, very cold and wet. Yes I got a bit of a shock when I had to clean up. Tackling one chore a day  or discarding/recycling 8 items at a time or setting a 25 minute timer (the pomodoro technique) have all helped. Some stuff I put in boxes in the corner, just to clear surfaces. Anything to contain and control the sense of being overwhelmed and make the effort manageable. But ultimately it was worthwhile and the conversation flowed freely and I was grateful my visitors cared enough to come.

Best wishes and more strength to your arm... you can do this.

[perspective]

Hello @RedHorse @Dimity @Shaz51 @Sirius @tyme 

it’s freezing here not that I am I have fire blazing. I find it hard to get motivated like all of you. I get the dog out at least 5 days a week. Strange how his welfare is what gets me out otherwise I’d probably be doing zero. That dog has really saved me. I washed my hair today as well , always a big deal at my age as I can very easily look quite dishevelled. Late at night is always pretty crap for me I find my rumination gets quite bad. I’d actually like to sue my psychiatrists but of course I’m just mad and overreacting- same old story , going round and round in circles no resolution, no one to talk to . Then I go to bed and it takes hours to get to sleep . Hope all is ok with you all 

[Dimity]

Hello @perspective and greetings, glad you're not cold. I thought today was a bit warmer. Congrats on always getting out with your dog and on washing your hair. I had a haircut a couple of weeks ago which felt fantastic.  

Ruminating and anxiety go hand in hand for me so I avoid it by constantly distracting myself with screen time. It's a habit I'd like to break. 

Is there anything in particular that makes you want to sue your psychiatrists? Abuse, malpractice, incompetence, trauma? I had a psychiatrist for many years who was struck off for repeated professional misconduct. Not with me personally but in retrospect his methods were unhelpful and probably triggered some of my relapses.

It takes you hours to get to sleep... me too... then I sleep late.

I'm sorry your nights are so crap but glad you could share how you're feeling tonight. Please don't think you're alone, the forums keep demonstrating what we all have in common which is openness and a capacity for resilience despite our pain.

Love to you and your dog.

[perspective]

Thanks Dimity 

my parents left me the family home to live in till I die. My sister challenged the Will , she and her husband are worth millions . She wanted to destroy the estate which was not worth much . I can’t go in to too much detail . Thing is I lived with my parents and when I was fist diagnosed and very sick my sister would drive over 150 k to our house every fortnight and stay with her new baby. 10 plus years of her visits.  She used the opportunity to be utterly abusive to me. I would tell my psychiatrist about what she was doing and they filled me up with drugs. It was only when she took me and my brother to the Supreme Court and tried to bully the lawyers into giving her 2 /3 of the estate and lied all over her affidavit that I realised my doctors hadn’t believed a word I was telling them. Her reason for challenging the Will was because I had faked my illness. Her husband completely supported her.  My psychiatrist even said I should feel vindicated after it all happened - wtf 
This stuff rolls around in my head 

[Dimity]

Oh @perspective that sounds destructive and traumatic... no wonder it's hard to shake the memories. Your parents were very kind to consider your long-term security and stability by leaving you the house. I trust the legal battles have been resolved in your favour and are behind you now.

I've seen feuding and legal battles in my family too. I'm no longer in contact with most of them.

But your health and happiness should be in looking forward. Do you have a psychologist who can help with trauma-informed therapies, and talk with you? And a psychiatrist who sees you as a person with autonomy and dignity. Being socially connected, physically active and intellectually engaged are things I hope for, for myself, but I'm not sure how to get there. I genuinely fear rumination and what it brings up.

It sounds as though your doggo is your mainstay at present. Love and light to you both. Sleep well.

[perspective]

You speak so much sense @Dimity thanks for your understanding 

[RedHorse]

I'm not struggling, I am failing. And it's kind of embarrassing.

Whatever else I achieved today, I still haven't managed to wash my face or brush my hair.

I really need to take a shower but the thought of facing outside conditions to do so and then finding something clean to put on afterwards is just overwhelming. I really don't think I can do it. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

I'm cold and miserable and just want to crawl back into my unmade bed to disappear.

And when I say 'achieved' above, I mean I got out of bed in the afternoon and went for a walk around the paddock before throwing my 2020 and 2021 calendars and diaries on the burn pile. That's it!

I've been reading and posting on the forum to distract myself but hopelessness is creeping up on me.

SI is strong at the moment; it's just a fantasy I use to soothe myself. I am safe. I am just a pathetic failure.

Sorry for the self indulgent post. It seems it's all I ever do

[Dimity]

Hugs @RedHorse . Feeling cold and miserable is the pits.

But it wasn't raining.  You did get up, you walked, you decluttered,  you added fuel for the firepit.

I just finished reading a Zen monk's guide to cleaning and life in general. To him washing his face is a spiritual reawakening every morning. It was a tiny book but somehow soothing, that the smallest actions can be done mindfully. 

I just got back from a walk, had a little weep, and need to wash a pot before I can cook dinner. The cat is asking to be fed. One foot in front of the other, we can go forward my friend.