Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Former-Member]

Hi, 

I usually post on the lived experience forum as I have MI issues but have an issue I am struggling with relating to depression and anxiety with my son's girlfriend who lives under my roof. I am not sure how or if to intervene. It is causing me stress and affecting my mmental health lately too. She has not come out of her room for days and has been demanding of my son who is doing his last exams and needs good grades to do honours next year. They have lived here for about 4months and this would be about the 6th episode. She really has only had about two weeks of being ok. She won't seek help but says she wants my son to get a professional to contact her. I have talked to her about headspace but again she wants them to contact her. She was seeing a psychologist earlier this year but has stopped and has highlighted that she wanted the psychologist to ring her and make the appointments. 

Her mood is currently affecting mine and I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, my emotions are starting to spike in unpredictable ways because of this situation too. I have trouble with emotion regulation as I have BPD traits but don't lash out rather turn them inwards. I am watching my son suffer and it's difficult when it's under your roof. He jumps to her every command. 

I am am looking for advice to a) help her seek professional help. b) know how to effectively help her. I've been too scared to broach this with her and how I deal with my depression is very different to hers. C) know how to deal with it so it doesn't take me out. 

I feel like a hypocrite with this all because I have had several serious episodes of depression and have a couple of hospital admissions during this time so I also feel like anything I say will be seen as the pot calling the kettle black. 

Her family is aware of her MH issues but not of her current situation. I don't really have contact with them to ask for help. I guess if it wasn't under my roof I may not get involved but I am seeing it destroy her life and my sons in the process.

Im grateful for any advice. 

[Appleblossom]

Hi Teej @Former-Member

I feel for you.  I have similar worries in a similar relationship that I have posted about, but not the pressure of it being under my roof.

1) Its not about being a hipocrit.  Vicarious trauma is a big thing that therapists NOW take seriously and are developing ways to protect themselves. You have probably been very kind, caring and inclusive to her.  Son's exams are paramount.  She isnt studying or working herself?  If I remember correctly she was active about the renos .. tried to contribute. Maybe she is now in a slump because she doesnt have focus and being needy as your turns his attention to the necessary things in his life?

How to protect yourself and your son???  No simple answer. 

2) Is the inhouse session with your team coming soon.  Her issue should be flagged in it, but then something separate set up, and mh resources not taken from you and family.

It may not be wise to escalate things and call a CAT team for her as she is not at fullblown crisis.  It is a pity there are not other reasons to have inhouse professonal visits.

I dont think the world recognises the complexities of being a mum. Try to build an interior castle.

Any other ideas?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Appleblossom. This latest episode is because she had to withdraw from TAFE as she hadn't done enough of the work partly/mostly due to renovating the garage into their room. She coped really well when my son was away but has been very demanding of him since he has been back. I guess I'm finding it so hard to know where the line is between mh issues.

Our family meeting with the therapist was postponed from last week due to my therapist accidentally double booking herself. We can't have it this week as it's exam week for my son. Hopefully the week after but there is no guarantee she'll be present for it. 

When my son was away we talked about MI and I asked her if she ever had thoughts of suicide to which she said no. I told her I have and it was ok if she did but she didn't say anything else. I dont think it's an issue but I guess you never know. There is nothing to think that at the moment so I agree with trying to bring anyone in, it would be overkill. I think that I am heightened with it because I see so much of myself in her and want her to get help now. It took me another 20 ish years to get help. I had my first suicidal thoughts at 21 which scares me for her.

Thanks for responding @Appleblossom. I hope your situation is calmer lately 

[Appleblossom]

Yes things are calmer but I am still fragile and 3 prn days in a row.

I have the same problem over identifying with girl in similar position.  You probably handled it right ... opening up conversation, lightly and it is up to her.  It can be less obvious to some people when they start contolling others as they are in a panic, and to see that as a sign of stress, rather than actually being mean.  

Its great she did the garage .. it will set her up and the TAFE course can always wait. She does need to allow your boy to do his work for his studies.  Can he negotiate with her? Can she find other activities til next year when term resumes?

The line between mh issues and normal life is very fuzzy. Dont you think?   Its accumulations and tipping points .... still it shouldnt all be on your shoulders ... arent her family in contact at all?

[Former-Member]

hello Teej

I think i'm reading between the lines and picking up that you are very similar to me. You take on other people's pain even though you have so much of your own.

I am my own worst enemy when it comes to my MI (i'm learning, have picked up many on here use that term)  I am also known to put others first and give guidance, comfort, listen without judging etc etc etc.

Are you reading about yourself yet??

It is wonderful that you have taken this young girl into your home. Your son must be very warmed and proud of your loving support. I am wondering if you have talked to your son, just you and he, about respecting personal boundaries, family boundaries.

It is sad that she is not with her own family. You have given more than most already and now need to draw back in your love, energies to a tighter circle just for a short period whilst you recover so that you can reserve this love and energy for your immediate family and of course yourself.

You are not pushing her away or out of your home. You are merely talking to your son first and then perhaps all of your family with you letting her know that she is unwell, you all care about her. She is the person who has to reach out to get help. anyone can be given help but unless that person admits they need it and are ready to ask and receive, help will not work.

I'm wondering if you are overstretching yourself, (as I have done myself) your heart goes out to this girl especially because she is important to your son. Your son needs to hear all of this from you and look at the situation from yours and his families perspective.

one more thing does she not have any family at all with whom she is in contact. is she pushing them away as well as you? I'm not sure of her age but legally are her family entitled to know about her condition? is she without intending to, emotionally blackmailing (sorry it sounds so harsh) your son? I'm thinking about this because I have just experienced this from my son and whooh i could not believe it, not my son!! not to me his all loving, feeling, passionate mum!!! hard to come to terms with.

perhaps none of this is the case and i hope that it is not and she has come out of her room, apologised for disrupting the very family who have let her into their home.

Yes a big part of this message is just that, it is your family's home which is being encroached on.

i hope I haven't upset you further and if I have misread please just let me know and i will not be offended. i only want to reach out and help you. sending you a big hug xxxx

[Former-Member]

oh groan I've done it again - written another book - so sorry people

[Shaz51]

Hello @Sagher, how are you today ?

would you like to open a new discussion thread and call it " intermittent explosive disorder"

so more people can see it than here under depression

[Sagher]

Hi shaz51
I wrote an hour reply to your response to my post. I don't think you see it because it say your session expired. I am new and don't know how to retrieve it.
Can't go back and rewrite.
Thank you
I'm not doing all that well.
My daughter is very down.
Yes please could we open a discussion about intermittent explosive disorder.

[Shaz51]

hi @Sagher

i have opened a new discussion with the title

so if you want to add anything , you can