Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[March]

I have been married for fifteen years and together twenty two. My husband had always been a bit of a loner, but so am I so that was not a problem until dperession hit with a baseball bat some five years ago. Where we used to love spending time with eachother bushwalking, watching movies, doing projects together on our farm, now there is three in this marriage, him, his depression and me. A lot of feelings now go unsaid, either because he doesn't want to share his feelings or I'm too scared to say anything that might push him over the edge. He is on medication but won't speak to any health professional and he says there is nothing to say. I am feeling more and more isolated and my friends and family tell me the only way to survive is to make a life for myself, my own friends, my own social life etc but that's not why I got married! We finally got some things said out in the open last night after he came home from work after having a particulariliy bad day where he lost his temper at a work colleague and felt ashamed and embarrased about it. He is a highly intelligent person who rarely seeks the advice of anyone and anything I suggest is nearly always dismissed. I am a health professional and am in regular contact with people in crisis and can see ways to help them but I am at a loss as to how to deal with my own, ever increasing isolation, any advice?

[Acacia]

Hello March

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story.

It can be really lonely when someone who we love and who plays a big role in our lives becomes unwell. Sometimes it can seem like the person we know and love is not quite there anymore or as you describe, as though there’s a third entity in the relationship.

It sounds like you and your partner have a special kind of closeness. I guess that can also have its own challenges as anything that affects one of you will have a huge impact on both of your lives. Perhaps that’s what has led your friends and family to suggest bringing other people in your life closer. What are your thoughts about that?

It’s encouraging to hear that your partner has opened up a bit more last night. I hope this can help him see the benefit of talking and that perhaps there is something to say (to you or another friend or a professional).

There are lots of other people here on the Forums who have found themselves feeling isolated when their partner has become unwell. A few that come to mind are @Shaz51, @exhausted101, @cheersquad and @Cinderella. You can read their stories here, here and here. Perhaps they might also have some insights to share here...

Thanks again for sharing @March and please keep posting

[March]

Thanks for your reply. Frustrating is the word to describe my situation and I know I am not alone. He talked last night about suicide and I know that has been on his mind as an option, as it is with anyone who feels like they are a burden or cannot cope with what is going on inside of them. I am hoping to raise this with him again soon and get him to realise the devastation it would cause and how selfish an act it would be to leave me, essentially alone. I have spoken with some trusted friends today and all the advice seems to be the same, start being more assertive with him and not let his moods dictate our lives so much.

[cheersquad]

Welcome @March

What a tough situation you are in. Have hope that your marriage is worth something and he will get help. Only your husband can drive the change which is so hard to watch when he is not the man you love.

In the meantime find a way to look after yourself. I hear you about not the reason you got married but you are only good to him if you are happy as well. It's the airline talk of put your own mask on before you help others. You will probably both experience that for a while which is isolating in itself I know as I've been there but have hope at some point you will come together again as long as you are both willing to fight. It does sound like you are.

There are a number of discussions on here you would possibly like such as wives caring for husband's.

Hope you have love and support around you.

Cheersquad

[Shaz51]

Hello @March

Firstly Can I make an suggestion about the comment you wrote :

(I am hoping to raise this with him again soon and get him to realise the devastation it would cause and how selfish an act it would be to leave me, essentially alone) Please don`t bring it up, it will only put more pressure on him -- he knows all that

He talked last night about suicide -- this is great that he told you , but if you push the issue , he will stop being so open

will write back soon -- I know what you mean , i am going through this too  with my husband who has MI , he is on medication , but he has cancelled all help from doctors and any MI team .

we are self employed and we are together 24/7 and have learnt a lot over the years and I am  still learning

when he is down I just be near him without saying anything until he wants to talk

Content/trigger warning

[Tatsinda]

My husband only agreed to see a psychologist when he realised how unhappy I was. I had to put my foot down and say 'do it for me' and also 'what have to got to lose, you hate your life anyway'. It was terribly hard to get to that point, we had some horrible arguments, but in the end he went through with getting help. I had to line it all up for him and attend appointments for a while. Also I think reiterating that you believe treatment can work and that you are looking forward to a good future with him. It's tricky because the disease makes everything seem hopeless so they don't always get help on their own.

[Tatsinda]

Also has he had a medication review recently? Antidepressants can lose their effectiveness over time. My husband had to change his after about 4.5 years. Maybe suggesting his meds might need fine tuning?

[Shaz51]

Hello @March, It is Me again @Shaz51

How are you today ?? sending you hugs

about your comments --how to deal with my own, ever increasing isolation, any advice?

have you got any hobbies, or things that you like doing

have you given suggestions to him , like i will say how about we go bush walking , this weekend , but don`t expect an answer, say little things like through the week  : remember when we went here and saw that : oh i would love to be sitting in a nice cool creek -- how about you

[Chriscarer]

Hello, this my first time on this forum. I can relate to what you are saying. When my husband is down I try and encourage hime to go out somewhere like for coffee or the botanical gardens etc and he always feels better afterwards. The outdoors is good for the soul. Unfortunately he is on a high at the moment and doesn't accept he has bipolar and needs help. This is also isolating as he is distant and I fe isolated. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[jazz]

Hi and welcome to the forum. It can be very isolating and challanging caring for someone with a mental illness, please use this forum to be connected with others and get the support you need. make sure to look after yourself