Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[exhausted]

I am not normally a person who reaches out nor talks about what is going on publicly.

Yet after a childhood of a mother with Boarder line Personality Disorder, who attempted to take her life and blame me from the age of eight

A brother I cared for until he took his life and a son that has had 14 admissions in the past 5 years.

I am feeling at the end of my line

I have done all the good things, I have an incredible therapist, naturopath, etc, I run a company, turn up every day, I have other children, support through carers assist

Yet today, I could barely walk, my heath is in a really bad way, it has been extremely intense for a very long time, I do not want to sound like a victim, as I do not feel like one, yet i feel so embarrassed by my family history and the intensity of the drama that chaos that has come with it.

It has been suggested that I take a back seat from my son and let some of the agencies take care of him for a while. But I am his mother, it goes against every cell in my body. Yet his abuse and violence and inability to be doing any thing for himself, and the level of manipulation that he projects and pushes on a daily basis is suffocating.

I know I need to start to look after myself and not allow him to keep doing what he does to me, yet I know that he is sick and needs help. After holding my brother in my arms when he passed I feel so wounded and terrified that my son will not make it.

I know in my heart that I can not make him do anything, I know that i am powerless and I know that there is barely a stone left unturned in the help that I have sort for him.

Yet after 5 attempts on his life in the last 12 months alone, it is the call that every mother dreads it keeps happening.

As this started when he was 14, there were not many places at the time that would treat a young person, and as the years have gone on, he winds up in every area of the city in a different hospital, he will not disclose his notes from other places and he knows how to work the system to get out afte the 72 hour hold.

I have wonderful friends but after 5 years you really do start to not want to talk to them about it, as every one has their own lives.

I am not even sure why I am typing on here, yet I think I am hoping for hope.

I don't even know what I am looking for as I know that no one can fix this or make it better

But I am devastated, isolated emotionally and yet if you were to meet me on the street you would have no idea, but my fronts are starting to wear down, my nervous system is shattered and I am very scared.

[Attahua]

Wow you are dealing with so much! What an amazing woman you are! I take my hat off to you for the strength and endless battles you have obviously fought and are still continuing to do so!! You are a role model to carers like myself and I thank you for that! It is exhausting, tiresome, lonely and terribly frustrating but we soldier on because we love and cherish our family. I am grateful that thee are forums like this where we can just speak freely, for me it really helps just putting it out there in here as showing a brave face and putting on a front all day everyday at work and anywhere in public is in itself exhausting!!! I hear you!!! X

[Attahua]

Wow you are dealing with so much! What an amazing woman you are! I take my hat off to you for the strength and endless battles you have obviously fought and are still continuing to do so!! You are a role model to carers like myself and I thank you for that! It is exhausting, tiresome, lonely and terribly frustrating but we soldier on because we love and cherish our family. I am grateful that there are forums like this where we can just speak freely, for me it really helps just putting it out there in here as showing a brave face and putting on a front all day everyday at work and anywhere in public is in itself exhausting!!! I hear you!!! X

[Appleblossom]

Hello @exhausted

I have to echo @Attahua your situation is extraordinary and yes very intense.

I can understand the feeling that you dont want to let go of your responsibility for your son. Maybe you can make a last clear statement to him of your love and commitment, but that you are at the end of your tether as a human being, and need him to find ways to help himself as well.

I understand that the system has improved and that many people have and still do fall through the cracks. There are no guarantees.  I am not sure if you have read my history but there are a few key similarities.

MI mother, suicided brother and son with some MI issues.  There are probably heaps of differences between us as well.  Ages of children all make a difference.

My brother was in the garage and mother thought the noises were him getting back to work. They were not.  Sometimes it cannot be prevented.  Yet I did my best to prevent my brother's death and often been terrified that my children and I were cursed, damaged unwell and that they/I might also suicide etc.  I have tried to be proactive for my son with some limited success. My girls are fairly extrovert, social, capable and doing ok. 

The balance between nurturing and having expectations seems to be crucial.

Maybe in old terminology 'the carrot and the stick' ... though not of course physical .. just a metaphor.

Some of it seems to come from claiming legitimate things from him ... though I am very very patient ... and as I only have him in my household I can bide my time til he is feeling more responsible ... tonight we both did 2 days of dishes together ... happily.

I am not sure how old your son is now.  I have told my son that I dont think it is healthy for him to manipulate me, and I call him out on it but also try and joke too.  My son does have a lot of ethics.  Is there any way you can relate to your son about HIS ethics and ideals or is he in a complete reactive formation and wont go there with you?

[Acacia]

Hello @exhausted and a big welcome to the Forums.

As Attahua and Appleblossom have said, you are dealing with so much right now and from the sounds of it, have been for many years, all the while keeping everything functioning smoothly with work and the rest of the family. I can understand why you’re exhausted. To me, you don’t sound like a victim at all. You sound like a very strong and admirable woman who is holding things together for your family under extremely difficult circumstances.

It’s great that you recognise the need to look after yourself but at the same time I can hear how hard it is to allow yourself that. You mention that you know you can’t make him do anything. Does listening to that part of your heart make it any easier to take a step back?

I hope that writing a bit of your story down here has helped you to feel heard. I think being able to step away and look after your own needs, while knowing that you will always feel compelled to keep your child safe, is a dilemma many mums have faced.

There are lots of other mums here on the Forums who have also been through incredibly difficult times with their sons and daughters. You might be interested in @MummyMountain and @Jane4's conversation here and @Barbara's story here. Another Forum member, @Janna has a teenage son who has struggled with depression and has shared some of her strategies for “staying sane” here. @SarahKate has written here about some of the emotions she has experienced in relation to her daughter’s experience with mental illness.

@MummyMountain, @Jane4, @Barbara, @Janna, @SarahKate please feel free to share your thoughts here.

Thank you for sharing your story @exhausted. I hope you can do something for you this weekend. Take care.

[exhausted]

Thank you so much for your replys.

It has been a very very difficult week, and I realised this week it is time to step back a bit.

I am actaully really scared to let go a little, yet I need to look after myself and my family.

I am heart broken that our system does not even follow its own policies, and leaves carers uninfomed, even after it states that we have rights to be part of the discaharge plan.

After another admission this week, phone calls to the social worker who never got back to me, the doctor who only called after they let him go and numerous other services trying to get him held for at least 72 hours so that he could be assessed. They let him go. Just walk out AGAIN, not taking any interest in the numerous admissions to nearly every hospital in Sydney.

I was advised that the next ime he presented to have every thing in place to make sure that the admiting registrar had the details, yet they did not even read them, nor were they interested. 

I am having the next four days off, I am going to try and get some sleep.

Yet I am haunted by the fact that no one does any thing in our stupid mental health system. And at the end of the day my son is sick, not bad, he needs help and he does not even know it, and the hospital system is like a revoling door where he turns up, they look at him, sort out what ever it is that he has been admitted for that time and send him off, and the cycle is becoming faster and faster we are now up to an admitssion every 6 - 12 weeks