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23-09-2019 03:13 PM
23-09-2019 03:13 PM
It's not sustainable
I'm at work, after yet another meltdown. Fists hitting the desk, tears, anger...over a stupid mistake. I just wanted it to go well, I put so much into it and I still failed. Yet AGAIN.
Every month, the same thing, just in new and creative ways.
There's no hope or chance, I can't break away from this rage, loss, sadness...frustration.
I'm so sad. I can't leave my job, because the fabricated drama, the sabotage I stick together to keep myself trapped and lost, it'll eventually go away...only to be replaced by the next thing, in a months time. It's all so forgettable, but in the moment so monumental.
I don't have it in me anymore, I can't be employed anymore. I can't move on to a new job and do the same things I'm doing now. I don't have the strength to leave and expose myself again. I'm not a whole person. I'm the scraps. How can I go on? What do I even do now, it's clear I cannot be a human being anymore.
I'm so tired. So fecking tired. A holday won't fix this. People just faff it off and say "it's not worth your mental health" and it's so stupid. That means nothing to me, it's already impacted me and broken me, and you're seeing the aftermath. Don't tell me it's not worth it cause I've already had the meltdown. You're the cause of this, too, YOU hurt me, as much as I hurt myself.
I don't have the strength or courage to end it all. But I'm in that week window I get every month where I consider the possibility. Wondering if I were just a little further gone, maybe I could? I know I won't, but I wish I could. It's the only way I could escape having to train another useless person to do my job. It would be their problem, not mine. It was always MY problem, everything is MY problem here...to throw that back in their face? What a pleasure. They expected me to learn it all on my own, why not give someone else that wonderous life lesson.
I can't control my emotions, my own hormones. I am a "hor that moans," and whinges and whines, and rages...and it's PATHETIC. I can't stop. I'm burning my life to the ground. I'm a childish, hormonal teenager, in the body of a 32 year old woman...and I can't make it stop. I repulse myself.
It's not just work, it's me at my core. It's my OCD and anxiety limiting my life. It's the things I can't do. Even in an emergency, I couldn't come through for someone in need because of my ridiculous anxiety. I failed them.
My husband breaks my heart, my work breaks my heart, everyone breaks me to pieces and pulversises the parts to make dust.
I don't want to do any of it anymore, but any attempt to discuss it feels dramatic and stupid. I'm not worthy of a call back service, or a hotline, it doesn't help and I'm not an active emergency. I am just a stupid person, doing stupid things and being an all over feck up, and I don't know how to stop. I have no hope of a happier life.
It. does. not. get. better.
I promise you, it never will.
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23-09-2019 03:39 PM
23-09-2019 03:39 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
Hi @2qwerty,
I'm one of the moderators. I'm sorry to hear you've been really distressed at work today, it sounds like you are feeling so worn out, frustrated, and trapped in your work, but also really angry and critical towards yourself right now. That's really tough.
You mention at these times where you feel there is no hope of change you think about suicide, but that you know you won't. In case you do ever want to talk about that or worry about your safety, here are some crisis and suicide helplines:
Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat
Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling
I can hear it's hard to connect with any hope things might improve right now. I hope it helps just coming on the forums to share and be heard.
Be kind to yourself,
Tortoiseshell
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23-09-2019 04:20 PM - edited 23-09-2019 04:20 PM
23-09-2019 04:20 PM - edited 23-09-2019 04:20 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
@Tortoiseshell Extremely worn out. I can't escape the problems, they're fixtures...I failed and I will continue to do so. It makes me sick to know I am part of this.
All of the resources preach mindfulness...body scans...everything that doesn't help in any real crisis or problem.
No one knows what to do, do they? There's really nothing out there of substance. It's just fluff and false hope.
When you're truly broken and worn out, those things won't repair you. It's just pouring glue onto the dust and expecting the person to be fixed.
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23-09-2019 04:46 PM
23-09-2019 04:46 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
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23-09-2019 05:08 PM
23-09-2019 05:08 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
Hey @2qwerty,
I can really hear how desperate and worn out you are feeling. I'm sorry you feel broken right now and really frustrated with the help that is offered.
The support lines are not perfect, and they sometimes reach capacity and become unavailable, but they are the best support if you are in crisis, worried about your safety, or really need to talk. I'd encourage you to try them again if you need.
Sitting with you,
Tortoiseshell
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23-09-2019 07:52 PM
23-09-2019 07:52 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
One thing to remember is you are only human. You will make mistakes and you will fail. It's hard, harder for some, easier for others. But just remember that with every failure you are improving yourself.
With your OCD I am sure it is frustrating beyond words when things don't go exactly how you want. And I understand how frustrating it could be for you when people tell you it's okay, but to you it's not. It's important to play to your strengths, I know you have many strengths just from your short post. You sound like a very strong person who strives for perfection. Perhaps you don't want to let others down, or perhaps you feel like you're letting yourself down. Like I said about your strengths, focus on what you want to perfect, 'try' to remember mistakes not as a negative thing, but as a stepping stone to perfecting your goals. With every mistake you move forward not backward, it's knowledge gained and a step in the right direction.
Your anxiety coupled with the response from your OCD is obviously a strong contributor. Perhaps your thoughts become more and more spuradic and illogical until you're thinking a million miles an hour. Where every thought leads to disaster. It is hard and a lot of people down play just how hard it truly is, but you can change how you think and feel. Not overnight, but using your strong mind you can improve your state of mind. Your purpose in life is whatever you want it to be. Follow what makes you happy. Be confident in yourself. And most importantly, challenge your own thoughts.
I have had anxiety and panic disorder since I was a child. I used to tremble every night in a sweat until I threw up. Most likely due to my terrible childhood. I understand your mind state, it really does feel like it will never get better. Reading your post made me remember how I used to think. I promise you it can and will get better. You have a strong mind, I can tell, you might not belive it, but I do and I'm sure those around you do to. The best piece of advice I can give you is like I said "challenge your own thoughts and feelings". Use your inner voice to challenge irrational thoughts and feelings. Believe in yourself.
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23-09-2019 08:57 PM
23-09-2019 08:57 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
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23-09-2019 11:21 PM
23-09-2019 11:21 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
That's the thing about mistakes. A lot of the time you can't see improvement. After a while sometimes all you see are the mistakes.
If you look at yourself negatively all you will see are the negatives. But if you're persistent with trying to think more positively, eventually it will come naturally.
I've made the same mistakes many times. Everyone has, it's the natural process of learning. If you stop making the same mistake, then you won't think about it, so it's easy to forget what you have achieved.
You have achieved a lot. You have a job, that's an achievement. You're here seeking advice, that's showing commitment and determination, that's an achievement. Your life is full of achievement, you just need to shine the right light on it.
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24-09-2019 11:33 PM
24-09-2019 11:33 PM
Re: It's not sustainable
Like @Meterpreter said I have made the same mistake twice as well, sometimes it does take a decade or 2 to change something, and some things we never change, buyt we do gradually morph and shift and change. We cant measure change like a scientist might measure a single varioable ... and ,aybe that is a good thing. WE are human and complex ... not one single easy to isolated constant. I used to self sabotage a hell of a lot more . .. I am slowly getting a handle on it ... not sure if saying that helps ... but trying to give hope ...