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Senior Contributor

I Just Don't Get It

This is gonna be a "straw that broke the camel's back" post. Some random, inconsequential shit happened today and just because everything's been piling up, that one little meaningless thing has sort of brought the weight of the whole world down on me. Know what I mean?


My whole life has always been a case of me being in the wrong and not knowing why, or what I'm supposed to be doing instead. So, for reasons I can never grasp, nobody in real life likes me, and I'm treated - albeit with frosty politeness - like an undesirable loser.


Actually, it would be more accurate to say that I've just been born into the wrong community. I'm wrong for the people around me and they are wrong for me. But if I were to be reassigned to a differant family, a differant neighborhood, a differant community... I think I could be a valuable and treasured member of the group.


Anyway, shit that happened today just got me thinking about my life and choices; particularly the choices I've made that have had an impact on other people. I've always tried to make life better/brighter for others via my impact on their lives, but because I just don't get what people want, I think a lot of the time I end up doing more harm then good. And even with years of 20/20 hindsight and deconstruction I can never figure out what the problem is.


I've always tried my best, made the best choices I could, and been very, very patient. It's never been enough. And there isn't even a learning experiance to take from it.


On paper, I have "a family". But I don't get birthday cards. Not really. Such a bare mantlepiece when that day rolls around. It's not that the people who know me don't want to know me - it's that I would've hoped by now that I would've ended up with my real family. My real kin. I always wanted a big family. I dreamed of having big, frequent family BBQs with a big clan of in-laws, and laughing with them; getting along like a house on fire. I imagined being close-knit with my neighbors, hanging out with them often. I imagined going out for bowling league games with the missus and my other beloved coworkers. I imagined waking up in a holding cell with my BFFs from time to time and groaning: "Jesus! How the fuck did we get here?"


I imagined friendship and love. I imagined being part of something - feeling that I was part of something; instead of being a lone soldier trapped behind enemy lines all alone.


It's all I've ever wanted. All I've ever pursued: real family. I did everything right; I tried my best to make others happy; I was polite, tollerant, pleasant. I never dwelt on career or material obsessions. I was never a "boink-'em-and-leave-'em" cassanova...


But me and the world I was born into... we've just never understood one another.


I just don't get any of it. I don't get why things have turned out the way they have. I don't get what I'm supposed to do to make things right. And I don't get what I have to do to be relocated into my true home.


I just don't get it.


Re: I Just Don't Get It

Hi... To be honest many people have probably felt some of what you feel some. Of the time.  Your aspirations sound nice.  But in this world if you don't have an income and material possessions people may not think about you as a good family person type.  Strange how it is that way.  And if you don't have a birthday party you might only get one or two cards. I know people who only married and had family after they had stable work and a  stable place to live and we're seen as finally suitable.  Strange how its that way... But it is... And life usually only gives you one good friend or two and family can drift apart.... I had to make sure I had Christmas and Easter at my house most of the time to bring my family together. Now covid stopped that.  In some cultures and communities there is more togetherness... So you are right... Maybe it's time to move to the country or marry into another culture... Or go to the top end... Wherever you feel you may findyour partner.  Someone told a friend of mine her partner was overseas  as she never could get married.  She went and found a partner and married finally.  So... Don't give up... Try something or somewhere new... Bit hard during lockdown probably but give it a try maybe... You have your priorities straight from what I can see... Just look a little further.... Best of luck.... 

Re: I Just Don't Get It

@chibam   I don't know what to say to you, buddy.  Our lives seem so much the same in so many ways.  I just don't get it either.


Nobody in real life really likes me either.  They 'befriend' me, use me, abuse me, then dump me.  I have come to the conclusion we may be the scapegoats, the whipping boy and girl, whom others use as their go-to for that purpose, as it's less stressful for them if they exclude us, and talk about us, denigrate us because that binds them into a group with a common purpose.  Better us than any of them, so to speak. Personally, I feel that I am 'marked'.   Always last on, first off, so I've never been able to get established.  I'm sure we are not alone here.  


I, like you, and so many others, am a super friend - faithful, helpful, reliable and trustworthy.  I enjoy the simple things in life but also the finer things.  I just wanted to find people I could share these things with.  Revel in each other's company.


I looked in on Meetup and as I look at the photographs, there are always people jumping about, hands in the air, laughing merrily, having a wonderful time.  But, if life was good for them, they wouldn't be looking for their fun on Meetup, would they?  And, as for the fun photographs, how many were there on their first visit, how many are as lost as we are, how many are still there?  In other words, it seems to me that a great many in our society are lost too, and always have been!  Looking for where they belong.  It often seems they are just pretending all is well with them.  Bluffing, and making us feel as if we are missing out on something.  


You're not an 'undesirable loser' @chibam.  You're highly desirable company.  You stand out in a crowd.  I think that may be the problem.  Nobody can match you so they denigrate you so that you feel like that 'undesirable loser' rather than the fabulous fellow you are.  You're not in the wrong - they just want to make you feel that way.  


I am having the same problem at the club I joined recently - probably temporarily, while they size me up.  I'm not expecting friends to be made even though that is my objective.  I took to task a fellow who was causing me distress by touching me, singing to me and annoying me by his approaches.  It was discussed at the higher levels of the club by the men and I am now the 'bad guy'.  One person I thought a decent fellow is looking at me like I turned into an unlikeable, someone else - but I now realize that he turned into someone else, not me.  And I'm beginning to realize that relationships there, and everywhere else, are not necessarily as they seem.  That people are not as they seem.  I am taking a step back while I assess what is actually going on in group and individual relationships, and with individuals.


As for birthdays, I haven't had a birthday wish since my mother died in 2003 - except for one call to a service provider which happened on my birthday.  When she asked my birthdate and realized it was that day, she wished me a happy birthday!  One wish in 17 years.  


@chibam, I just don't know what to say to you to make you feel better, but just remember, we love you here because we know who you are, because we have taken the time to get to know you.  


Thinking of the fellow who is always there for everyone - because that's who he is. 


I hope I have not misunderstood your current mood.  I just wanted to offer you my support.  Take care.


Re: I Just Don't Get It

Hey @chibam.

In a way, I absolutely understand where you're coming from. I come from a family where the matriarch was so dominating and controlling that nobody else was able to ever have a complaint, build boundaries or develop healthy relationships with other people. This and my development very young of the level of anxiety that would see me stuck in a toilet cubicle for an hour at the beginning of any social event meant that I always felt as if I didn't fit in with society. 

I was the wierd kid in primary school, followed by a horribly bullied to the point of police intervention in high school, where my group of so called cherished friends attempted to 'vote me out' of our friend group because I wasn't cool.

And no, this isn't a sob story about me as I have grown to accept that this is part of my journey. I am just attempting to show that kinship isn't always shown by those around you, or those that are related. Now as an adult, I am fairly reclusive in terms of social contact. There came a point where I realised that my closest friends were waiting in the wings for me to score drugs or other desirable goods to swoop in and be there for me so that I would, in my usual generous way, share, not knowing or caring to know the truth behind the situation. 

My point at the end of the day, is that every person in this world has goals and aspirations and I have found that community isn't usually a part of people's holistic life plan, or if it is, its basically them, their partner and/or their kids against the world with one or two friends.

It sucks, and I understand your frustration. People who do not suffer issues with mental health are also people that I find can lack the depth of character to be able to empathise with you as a friend. In a way this is a positive, because you, and I, are deserving of people who have the level of comprehension to be able to be a good companion and not just pat you on the back and say "You'll be right" and "This too shall pass" as if it doesn't feel like the roof is caving in on your life.

Sorry for the length of this message, I do hope that it helps a tiny bit at the very least as it has helped my in my soul to write it. 




Re: I Just Don't Get It

You remind me of the Dr Suess book "Put me in the Zoo". I won't explain it. I'm not Dr Suess.

Re: I Just Don't Get It

@chibam   SO good to see you back on board. Hope you're feeling much better. 

Re: I Just Don't Get It

@Swansong @Historylover @exhausted1994 @wellwellwellnez 


Thanks everybody. Smiley Happy Your thoughtful responses all deserve a much better reply from me, but at the moment this is all I have the strength for. I'm just too tired to respond any more extensively at the moment.


As many of you pointed out, it's a sad old world to have to wade through.

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