Lived Experience Forum

[Notnormal80]

Hi I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder I'm my early 20's. I have the bipolar part that goes along with it. And the schizophrenia part is paranoid schizophrenia. Mainly I get paranoid about thinking people are talking about me when I see people talking. When in reality I guess they are not. I got picked on and bullied a lot through my school days. It was verbal and physical in Elementary school and high school. I was very quiet and shy in school. Plus I had acne at a very young age and kids can be cruel. I read online that a risk factor for schizoaffective disorder can be bullying. But I don't know if that is credible or not. I've been in and out of hospitals since I was diagnosed. The bipolar part affects my mood. My moods are up and down and,i have major mood swings. I also have major anger issues. But I've been on medication and seeing a psychiatrist since I've had the diagnosis. I take a lot of medication. I've felt with a lot of side affects from the medication also. Ecspecially weight gain. But I'd recently lost 50 pounds which helped me to feel a little better about myself. I've had a tendency in the past to be non compliant with taking my meds. Which usually leads to a mental break down. But one time I actually went almost a whole year with our my medication but then I had a bad break down. What I've learned over the years is that if I don't take my medication eventually it will catch up to me and,i will have that break down. People in my family never really understood why I wouldn't want to take my medication if it meant I could get better. I guess the side effects from the medication was one reason. And then the other sometimes I just want to be normal. Or at least feel like I'm normal. And to me taking all that medication for a mental disorder is not normal. But I've learned I need my medication. I will probably always have to be on medication. I also deal with depression and anxiety. I'm on disability and can't hold down a job. I think it's mainly the anxiety is the reason I can't work. I also have a heart condtion and I'm limited sometimes as to what I can do for physical activity. And that also makes me depressed at times. Also have some social phobias but I attribute that to my school going days. I currently live with my mother and I know it's been very hard on her to be my care giver. I've never lived out on my own and I don't drive. I have a phobia about driving also. But I'm still hopeful that one day I can learn to drive and get over my fear. I'm only 33 it's not to late. I'm currently working on getting out on my own. Which I guess would be finding some low-income housing. I've been in relationships and had boyfriends. But my relationships usually suffer from the bipolar disorder part. When I'm in a relationship I tend to get and become really clingy. And I think that's part of my bipolar. Also I tend to over think things a lot when I'm in a relationship. I'm currently seeing a nice guy at the moment but we haven't made it official yet. He doesn't know about my schizoaffective disorder or the bipolar. But as long as I'm on my meds you would never know I have any mental health issues. I did however tell him I've felt with depression and anxiety. And he admitted the same. But in my experience guys tend to run for,the hills when you mention bipolar disorder or anything mental related. I'm just hoping that all my relationships won't have to suffer and at least one of them will last. I guess I long to have a life long partner to share my life with and grow old with. But one good thing is I've learned I can't make it with out my medication. SO I take it regularly now everyday. But I still have struggles. I guess having mental illness is just not the life in envisioned for myself when I was growing up.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Notnormal80

Welcome to the forums, thanks for sharing some of your journey and life story with us. I can totally understand when you say you had envisioned a different life for yourself.. 

Sounds like you understand yourself really well these days, and know a lot about how to keep as healthy as you can, though its still hard. I know i have to take my meds regularly or i start to deteriorate quickly too. 

As you say kids can be cruel in schools and I was bullied alot as well for a variety of reasons. 😞 

I hope that you find the forums helpful. Take the time to have a look around and use the search bar to look for topics that have been discussed in the past if you feel like it 🙂 also feel free to pop into our many conversational threads like 'Night Shift' or join us for a virtual dinner on Friday nights at the 'friday night feast' 🙂 

Hope to see you around the forums,

lj

[pip]

@Notnormal80. I guess most people posting here can relate to the bullying during school days. I too was a victim, I was not a pretty, brainy girl, extremely isolated due also to abusive home life. Plus not being confident that I was as good as my peers. As a result of my abusive home life, I have PTSD, not severe but I don't always relax around strangers. I feel that each and everyone of us has a 'darkness' somewhere in our life. Even the most confident person is subject to some form of uncertainty. My ex always came across as 'full of himself', in reality he too has problems. I now have a bf who knows and understands me more than my ex ever did or tried to. Once you meet the guy who's the 'right' one, you will know and be comfortable telling him about your illness. My bf knows I suffer depression and PTSD, he is kind, thoughtful and understanding. As long as you are totally honest and upfront most men are fairly understanding. My bf was initially unsure when I first told him about me, but he decided to 'take a punt'. I am at the moment undergoing radium treatment for breast cancer. My bf has 'been there' for me every step. I do have a good support team in friends I met elsewhere. I have two exceptionally great male friends, one a substitute brother, the other a very close confident male friend. I refer to as my platonic bf. I love both men as 'family', my bf knows about both of them and has said he feels rather special to be part of my special family. With your current bf as soon as you feel confident tell him there's something you need to talk about. First explain that you understand his anxiety/depression, then ask him if he is aware of bipolar and what it means to have the illness. If he 'shies' away, explain it is nothing to be scared of. Tell him Prince Phillip's mother suffered mental health. Get some literature if possible and ask him if he'd like to read it. Leave him to read and 'take it in'. Small steps are vital when explaining mental health. It is scary and fear of the unknown can make it difficult (but not impossible to explain). Education or lack of it, makes explanations harder.

[Acacia]

Hi @Notnormal80

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds like it’s been quite a journey but you seem to have reached a place where you know what works best for you in terms of medication and staying healthy. Congrats on losing 50 pounds!

It’s nice to hear that you’ve been able to reflect on what you don’t like about your medication and the fact that it has been difficult for your family to understand. Have you been able to talk things over with them and are they more understanding now?

Driving can be really intimidating – I can understand why it is scary and lots of people don’t get their licence for one reason or another. 33 is definitely not too late. I have a friend who recently got her licence at 35 and she's really confident now. 

Whatever we envision for ourselves growing up, it’s usually not the way it turns out. I think as children we also envision some kind of end point where suddenly we are grown up and everything’s finished and settled – we don’t really recognise at that age that we are always changing and growing. It’s hard to let go of those expectations though, no matter how unrealistic we know they are.

It can be hard to know when to tell people and what to say. There have been some other conversations here on the forums about telling friends and family. You might like to have a read through these discussions:

How did you tell your loved ones?

Informing the family and loved ones

Thanks again for sharing a bit of your story @Notnormal80 and please keep posting – there’s always someone here to listen