Lived Experience Forum

[eth]

Warmest wishes from me too @Doglover   Great to see you are still here on the forums.  I've missed you and wondered how you are doing.  Sorry to hear the struggle continues.  Take care  

[Former-Member]

@Usvexi 

@Doglover 

@eth 

@Zoe7 

Not sure who else is around

For 5wks a hall was telling me theyd rent it so i got a no of people on fb interested in coming to learn exercise off me.

For those who dont know ive hardly worked all my adult life & am really struggling with self worth issues re entering it.

On thurs night they contacted me to let me know they werent going to rent it. I just went into shock then found myself belching crying on my bed. I wasnt right & was getting scared. I wanted to contact u then but i couldnt even do that i was so hysterical.

I felt so worthless in a new town.

I felt id failed all over again.

Fortunately my meds knocked me out that night. I refused to call for help because the last time i ph mental health crisis the nurse rudely well what do u expect me to do. 

I have bpd. My emotions r sooooo strong & i dont have control over them. Its just not my fault.

When i was at aqua next (really didnt want to go cause i was still very teary) a lady asked me if i got a hall so i told her what happened. Unfortunately i also told her i suffer with a mental illness. I could see their reaction. 

If i had diabetes they wouldnt reject me however im meant to keep it a secret at work that i have a mental illness.

Its sat & im still crying. Really struggling emotionally.

I also had another married man contacting me on fb looking for fun outside his marriage. Eventually i had to block him. Im 55 quite attractive with a good figure & i cant stop married men coming at me.

Makes me feel so unwanted & unworthy

They dont get why theyre hurting me. 

I hope someone out there hears my crying

Its so hard having no family or friends in a new town

[Zoe7]

That is really tough @Former-Member Is there another hall somewhere you can look at hiring?

[eth]

I'm here and hearing you too @Former-Member   I understand your loneliness in a new town, your disappointment about the hall, and the issues around having disclosed your diagnosis to someone new - that's always scary and can leave us fearful of consequences.  Is there a friend you can talk it through with?  Even if it's long-distance on the phone it might help.  And hopefully you can work through what you're going through with your psychologist - when is your next appointment?  Here to support you in the meanwhile.  And totally get the stuff with married men approaching you - I've been thru' that in a new town before too.  Stay strong on that one.   It can take time to get established somewhere new and you've been doing a really good job so far.   Just being there for your child through the process of moving, new school etc is a real achievement in my eyes.  What small self-care things can you do to get through this - have a nice bath, use some aroma therapy, go walking somewhere nice, play games with your child, cook something you both love, art, craft, writing, exercise ?? ... I'm not sure what works for you.  Some days we just need to get through an hour or even 10 minutes at a time and let the days pass gently.  Thinking of you and sending warm wishes.  Take care.

Where I live there's a woman who started an exercise centre specifically aimed at exercise to help mental health and is really open about her own diagnosis.  Her group has been steadily growing and now she has other people running programs of different exercise forms there too.  All of them focused on mental health benefits.  Just wondering if you could aim at something similar.  I wish I could tell you the name of it but it's against the rules here.

[Former-Member]

@Zoe7 

I ph up the council the following day & finished up crying again. I told them what happened. I was then put thru to the lady that books halls. Id been told before they were all full. Now that im genuinely begging for help & admitting im on a dsp & trying so hard to re enter the work force she tells me i can book one of their halls. Before it was $20 & now she tells me its $8.65.

Unfortunately i wont b able to do lollipop duty now that arvo.

Life keeps doing this to me pushing me right to the edge so i explode to some stranger so they recognise how hard im doing it.

Its just triggered off my mi. My jaw is tight again & im struggling to concentrate. 

I asked them weeks ago if they had a hall close by & they said no.

People just dont get how hard it is for me to believe in myself. Ive just been smashed so dangerously low. I put on a good front so no1 would ever suspects where ive come from til i break.

They really just dont get it

What angers me is people pretending to care. Like this ruok thing. People saying because their job tells them to.

Only when u have nothing to live for when uv been that dangerously low can u know what it truly feels like. Very few people get that low

I just cant bring myself to b around people at the moment. I just feel so sad that they triggered off my mi. 

I wont be buying anymore show tickets cause all i do is sit & meet no1.

Im surrounded by people with friends & family. They only want my $ & for me to feed their egos.

Ill stay at home from now on. 

When the next married man contacts me ill block him straight away cause they dont get that theyre hurting me cause theyre so selfish.

[Former-Member]

@eth 

Thanks i really felt ur understanding. Meant a lot to me.

I was actually thinking of being open about my mental illness & seeing where it lead me. Cause exercise is really good for mental illness. I forced myself to aqua on Fri. Tears were rolling down my face at first but no1 knew cause they wouldnt have expected it from me possibly only thought it was pool water.

I struggled but forced myself to do piano & singing. Meds r stopping me from completely losing it.

Normally i learn more piano pieces on weekend but im not focused enough.

I made it to the shops. Just didnt feel like going for a walk. Just still very teary.

I was so tempted to report him to his wife but i have no support here & shes likely to attack me.

Im sure they prey on women with no1

Its sad that i have to break before people help me thats all.

I just cant get over how hysterical i was. It really scared me i was thrashing on my bed like i was when i was grieving cause it felt like they were taking from me something that was giving me back my confidence. They dont get that cause theyve never been so low.

Like u said im just getting thru each hr today. 

It was hard doing lollipop duty yesterday & going to aqua thats for sure. Just cried in between.

It shocked me how hard it hit me thats all. The average person just wouldnt get that.

I wrote back & told the comp what how it affected me tho. They need to learn from this. 

[Zoe7]

The first step is finding a hall @Former-Member and that is now possible. It is unfortunate you will have to forego the lollipop duties but with any new business getting off the ground there are often things we need to do to allow that to happen.

You are making a wise decision by instantly blocking those men that contact you. We cannot know what goes through their minds but we can choose not to engage in that behaviour.

I hear how much this has all affected you but we cannot expect others to get it if they have not been there themselves or cared for someone in a similar position. 

I also agree with you on such days as RUOK - it is a token day for others to stand up for one day. I have spoken here about this before - until we see MH just as any other illness and it becomes part of everyone's everyday concerns such days will continue to be random days for some to feel they are doing something - it doesn't actually help those not doing okay for the rest of the year.

[eth]

Hey @Former-Member  it's really good that you are able to really express what's going on here on the forums and I agree with everything @Zoe7  has said.

Sorry I don't know what the 'comp' is that you mentioned writing to ...?

Great to hear that they have not only found a hall but also lowered the price.  That's a step in the right direction at least.

[Doglover]

Thanks so much @Zoe7 . Yes things r ridiculously tough here.

[Zoe7]

Minute by minute Hon - sitting with you @Doglover