I'm currently just over having to grieve over and over again.
My heart just keeps getting broken.
Please don't be nasty to me from a choice I already regret as I'll have to live with the consequences for ever.
The last 3 years has been unbelievably tough and it just seems that I keep loosing people I give my heart to and much more. Over 3 years ago I had my own business for 5 years and burnt our from overworking, and injuries. My relationshipship of 7 years, we were married broke down as well. This was when covid happenedas well. We owned a house togetherand we planning on having children. We were doing a house extension preparing. I worked my arse off until burnout. I was also waiting on a pay out from getting hit by a car , hense the injuries. That settlementwas going on for years and years. Anywaythe marriage broke down because i wanted children amd he didnt. n, i lost my husband, my dream of the family I wanted with him, my house and businessand had to move back into my parents with no income. From there my world just kept getting through teally big hurdles. My ex husband absolutelyripped me off with settlement and courts would laugh at the amount that i was given, but i wasjust to stressed to deal with the back and forth. I met someone in this meant time trying to fill a void and he had a child. This was way too early to be moving on. That didn't workout and my world shattered more. I started to to get my business up and running again to focus on that then I got another injury. I moved into my own place finally and then this lady kickand things I thought were looking up. This injury got worse as my job was physically demanding and I ended up having to give my business up after 2 years. I'd never lived on my own and things got really hard. I got insomnia from the pain in my injury and stress from having to give up my business again after just getting it solid. I decided to study and just work with my mum and use savings until I could find a new path.. 5 months after moving into my own place I met someone who was from France travelling around and just thought it would be a fling until he went back to France 6 weeks later. We hit it off really well and decided to become an item and he move here for me. I struggled alot waiting for his return of 2 months. He finally got back and we had a lovely month and we fell pregnant, i thought long and hard about it and talked to him about it and he seemed 50/50. . This was really stressful . And I told him I wanted to have a baby with him. He also freaked out and didn't want it. This absolutely shattered my heart like nothing before and I chose not to keep it him and to support him. The medical procedure went horribly wrong and I got sick having to have surgery 3 times. Nearly getting sepsis. I wanted to die with my baby. And I tormented myself ever since. This whole time trying to move forward I kept getting taken into emergency for surgery. I got more traumatised each time. I lost trust in myself and I was collapsing and becoming unconscious from all the stress everytime we'd fight. I was trying to study in the mean time and had a lot of pressure from that and just got a new job as an AIN. We kept fighting and fighting and he was lying about a few things that I found out as well. We kept trying and trying but the fights got worse as my resentment towards him grew. Coming up a year and I was learning French to meet his family. It's only been 4 months since the last operation. He's already had 2 jobs since arriving here. He just got a new one 6 weeks ago and wants to go back to France to see his family. He hadn't organised tickets or accommodation even though I kept asking months prior. As I'm still healing and being in a foreign country with non of his family speaking English I asked for a unit by ourselves so I could recharge. 2 weeks before he wants to go he hasn't booked anything. Its a wedding with all his family, he wants to party and didn't listen to any of my requests. I said if we do not book today I'm not coming. He left it until he knew I was upset then we went to book and I just this overwhelming feeling and said no. I asked if we could please just meet his parents, brother and grandparents this time around instead of everyone. And I didn't want him to leave me behind. I'm feeling really sensitive. And said no I'm boycotting his family and he chose to without me. I broke up with him as I just feel so broken hearted and not supported or listened to no matter how much I try express my needs. I just needed this support after everything thats happened and I wanted to meet his family too as he knows mine. I'm just so broken hearted because I seem to support my partner but I don't get the same back. He quit his job after 6 weeks, his car was about to die and he would of had no job to come back to. We were over a year together but this absolutely destroyed me in this short amount of time. But I've come to the conclusion I'll do IVF once I'm feeling healed and my strong self. I have so much love to give and just giving it to the wrong men.
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13 YARN
