Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

hi All. first time poster!
big changes in my life lately and I am struggling to open up to my friends and family about it.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 8 years ago and a few days ago, before my doctor put me on yet another round of antidepressants which only ever took the edge off, he decided to look into things further.
as a result I have been diagnosed with bipolar 2 disorder.
I spent years actively combating the stigma around depression and anxiety. I learnt all I could learn and donw everything I could to understand everything so the second I sensed stigma I was prepared for battle!
finally after so many years every one accepted me. I accepted me. 6 years of treatments and research and learning and now......
it has been 5 days since I was diagnosed with bipolar.
it makes 100% perfect sense. i fit the category perfectly.
and suddenly I don't know any thing about myself.
I know it doesn't cancel out my anxiety and depression. but it sure does explain why at best my treatments would take the edge off my moods.
im angry that it wasn't picked up sooner. im scared of knowing nothing. im questioning every single thought and action I have and make. im glad I finally have an answer as to why I'm so different.
im scared of how my family will react, my friends, any one that knows I have it.
I told one person and she took a step back and asked me if I was dangerous?
I'm sorry for the long post. if you made it this far well done! I could continue for ages,
I guess I'm hoping there's someone else out there that can relate, that can maybe give me some advise, tell me their personal experience even?
I know im not alone in this but it sure does feel that way right now, every thing has been topsy turney in my head this week...

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member and welcome to the forum

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member - Welcome to the forums 🙂 I'm sorry that things are so difficult at the moment with a new diagnosis, but hope that the forums can help. it might help to start another thread (maybe) about how people have adjusted to new diagnoses or about bipolar in particular? there are many forumites with bipolar on the forums.
Welcome again!

[A2Z]

Welcome to the forum @Former-Member

There is so much stigma around metal health, it is not at all funny. I am glad it make sense to you. Definitly you are not alone.

I was given many labels and I still not sure what is actually happenning. Bipolar is one of them. If I keep check on my sleep patterns, thoughts, feelings and sensations, energy levels and use prayer & meditaion to keep calm, balanced and grounded I am all good. I love having the increased energy it helps me get things done. In low moods I have taken up reading. I want to use the labels to my advantage. 

My first expereince was in 2008 and now in 2017 I have control over my thoughts, feelings and getting better with sensations. It requires effort and sometimes it I relax on checking I get anxious and then I know I have to be disciplined. 

I just hope and wish people were more thoughtful, specially the professionals. I hope that persons reaction is not going to set an expectation of how others may respond. All the best and lots of love @Former-Member

[Adek]

Hello @Former-Member @Former-Member @fml @Tul @A2Z. Perhaps you wanna check this out. This App which will be fully launched for public in 2018 is expected to help 200,000 - 450,000 people with symptoms of bipolar. I have signed up as participant for its non-clinical trial to see how it works..

https://www.sane.org/about-sane/sane-bipolar-app

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member

Welcome to the Forums.

I hope you don't mind, I moved your post out of the 'Introduction' thread, to a new one, as it seems the conversation is really taking off.

I hope you're finding the responses helpful!

Nik

[Mazarita]

Hi @Former-Member, another welcome to the forum. I was diagnosed and treated for anxiety and depression from 1990. In 2009 this was revised to bipolar but I was never clearly told whether it was type 1 or 2. About a month ago I was told it was bipolar 1. Like you, the changes in diagnosis have made perfect sense to me. And the medications I have received for bipolar have been a lot more effective than the anti-depressant treatment alone that I received for my anxiety and depression. But, like you, the changes in diagnosis have each time taken some getting used to. 

One thing I might suggest to you is that it's not necessary to tell everyone. Stigma about mental illness is real and there are good reasons to avoid it unless necessary. On the other hand, you may decide it's better to be 'out' about it. I personally don't tell everyone, although I am open about it with a number of trusted people in my life. 

You say that you 'suddenly don't know anything about yourself' since getting the new diagnosis a week ago. I get how things can feel that way. Remember though that our mental illness is just part of ourselves. I am sure there are many things you know about yourself. We are all a huge lot more than our mental illness diagnoses.

Time may be the best ally we have with these awkward feelings and thoughts after diagnosis. My mind was pretty much completely taken over by news of my new diagnosis about a month ago. Even a month later, I seem to have integrated it better. I hope things ease for you in this way too.

Kindest wishes to you in your ongoing journey.

[æon]

Hello OdinsMum,

It seemed right that my 1st contribution to this forum would be to this thread. I also have been diagnosed as bipolar 2 (about 4-5 weeks now). I've always lived with depression and anxiety and only found it within myself to accept and actively treat it this year. I have been on a myriad of anti-depressants over the years but I would usually just give up & dealt with the weeks of withdrawal because I hated the side effects & I felt the need to fight it off myself. This year I became unhinged & needed someway to get rid of this constant feeling of absolute dread, exhaustion & wondering why I even exist. I wanted to avoid the meds and go straight to psychology sessions 1st but the wait for an appointment was too long & after 2 sessions I didn't feel like I understood more or felt any better. Long story short, I started an SSRI med (at a very small dose) & within 3 weeks I was on top of the world. I had 2 weeks of not needing more than 3-4 hrs sleep (managed a 5hr one towards the end) & not feeling worse for wear. I was bouncing around, inappropriately happy (my job requires some sensitivity), crying with joy, dancing & singing & oozing happiness from every pore of my body & started drinking heavily despite 2 months of abstinence (record for me). After one of the worst depression & anxiety periods of my life to experience such a high, such elation & lust for life I was dumbfounded as to why the DR put me on mandatory work leave & wanted to hospitalise me. My wife advocated for me and was seen as a psychiatric oupatient & diagnosed with bipolar 2.

It was hard enough to accept & seek outside help for despression & anxiety finally & to be told I was bipolar only shocked me into disbelief. Then I felt a degree of relief. I laughed, cried then read all the materials the psychiatrist gave me & looked at a few forums & I really could relate. A part of me still disbelieves the diagnosis & I have read some articles that question a bipolar diagnosis based on SSRI anti-depressant medication reaction. But I lot of other things make sense now too. I have let a few colleages know, my team leader & operations manager know (I was on forced leave & had to explain) & the family that matter now know. It has been really hard in my circustance because I am Mr mum to 2 boys at ages 6 & 5 as my wife & I have a role swap dynamic in our household since the boys were old enough to go to child care. My wife is a shift worker & I am the one with a flexible work option & lower pay & I have the sense to make things work at home moreso. I am still struggling with it all. I see my psychiatist again this week & hope I get more out of the session than just titrating meds.

I understand how you feel somewhat - lost & found at the same time & needing to re-evaluate what we know about ourselves & things in general. A type of a mental purgatory for the time being. I hope some of my story was relatable or of some benefit to you in someway. It is just nice to put it out there in an environment that we don't have to worry what others think of us...

[avalynn]

Has anyone had ECT treatments? My first treatment is at the end of this month. I've sufferd from depression all my life. Meds don't seem to help after trial and error for 24 years. I was living in an abusive marriage for 30 years and had childhood trauma. I'm now in a safe relationship and I know I need to work through a lot of things but I need a jump start to even feel like I want to thrive instead of just survive. I need a little "jump start" to get me going. No pun intended. I've tried counseling, EMDR, DBT, talk therapy etc. I'm at the end of my rope. This is why I'm going for ECT. Wanted to hear if anyone has done this and thier experience with it. 

Thank you all.

[Former-Member]

Hi @avalynn

I am also a childhood abuse survivor and had also suffered other traumas/abuses throughout my adult life. As a result suffered depression for most of it in varying degrees and was diagnosed with bi-polar some years back. So pleased that you are in a safe, loving relationship now - an abusive past one lasting 30 years will take some work to cope with the resulting psychological damage, but you are in the right environment now to do so and move forward and heal 😊

I also am now in a very loving, close and safe relationship - we have been married 23 years, so I have had adequate time to deal with issues (although more popped up within that time of a different nature but that's life). I suppose that has strengthened me and nothing stops me now. I am much happier which no one can take from me. Some try but they can't do anything to me that wasn't tried before and that I have not overcome, so they are really only wasting their time and demeaning themselves -  it just makes me stronger and more determined. And I keep well away from toxic people - won't give them my valuable time - or be involved in nasty conversations, in order to self nurture and protect my mental health  - am much wiser now. I genuinely care, am honest and like to help others. All this has helped my depression no end and is the good I have taken out of a hard life. A life and me I like now 😊. It did take a bit of working on issues to get to this point but has been so worth it. So there is hope. Hang on.

To answer your question about ECT - yes I have had it but a long time ago (when I was 19, I am now 56). It was explained to me by my medical practioner that it's purpose and treatment is to correct a chemical imbalance in the brain. It did not work for me and did cause memory loss and anxiety. But it was old technology (improvements have been made now?), and there are others who have told me it worked for them very well or worked temporarily. So it can be a very individual outcome, depending on the individual's condition and the cause of their depression/mental health issues. 

Others will post of their experiences soon. Wishing you the best with your upcoming treatments. 😊