Lived Experience Forum

[Mazarita]

@eth that time spent on organisational meetings etc. for the mental health organisations would need a fair bit of energy. I get the wiped out feeling you had. The bone china sounds gorgeous. Hope you are enjoying your beverage.  Twice a week is awesome for Tai Chi. So cool to get your shoes for it so cheap. Four or five days a week of support workers is fantastic. Two activities sounds like a good boundary. Glad you have an afternoon free.

Yes forum is helping while I'm feeling bad, even just to keep me out of bed to sleep the time away, though I may have a sleep after this.

[Mazarita]

Hi @eth signing off now. Need to spend some time off the computer and maybe have a nap. Enjoy your arvo and evening. Until next time, my friend. ox

[eth]

Dear @Mazarita   I read your post in the worry room and feel for you deeply my friend.  Sometimes all you can do is try to forgive yourself and let go of what happened, do your best not to focus on regret or blame.  There was a time in the past when I was actually banned from seeing one of the public dentists in Darwin because of my outbursts and it was really hard to get the treatment completed as they wrote me up in their notes.  But ultimately they do not have the right to refuse to treat those who are eligible for their services.  In later years I made sure they wrote down that I'd had trauma around my neck and mouth and had extreme anxiety and PTSD flares when being worked on.  Hopefully you'll find another dentist within the system who is more compassionate.

Feeling for you too with the feelings and pain you are dealing with so much of the time.  I really hope your ap't on Saturday results in some helpful adjustments, tho' I do appreciate it's not all about meds.  I stopped taking the course of antihistamines about a week ago and am now back on a sedative that I can only use for short periods due to potential addiction issues.  Still having broken nights, but feel like I'm sleeping deeper when I do.  

Do you have anything else planned for over the weekend?

[eth]

Looks like I missed you @Mazarita  as I was posting at the same time.  Hope you get some refreshing rest.  I might be at the Friday Feast later, not sure.  These days I'm tethering my laptop to my phone so I don't leave the computer on and thus miss notifications often until some later time.  Take good care my friend.  It's so lovely to be seeing you again and I hope I can support you when possible.  Lots of love, xx

[Mazarita]

Hi @eth thanks for the messages. I appreciate having read them later even though I had to cut the chat short as I'd been too long on the computer and felt as if I really needed to just sleep.

Just before I went to bed C asked me if I wanted to go for a walk in the wetland park at the end of our street. I told him I didn't have it in me, too hard. He said he would go out somewhere himself.

I lay down in my dark little bedroom and found myself starting to cry on the bed. I realised that if I stayed there I would probably just cry more and continue to feel massively shit.

So I caught him before he went out and asked him to talk me into a walk. Just that extra push was enough to get me out, though it was a very difficult effort with finding it hard to organise myself to dress and groom enough to go out the door. Eventually we went.

A little adventure it turned out as the wetland was semi flooded from a lot of rain over past couple of days. Path was blocked by water over the path in some different places so we decided to just wade through, only hitting the lower shins at the deepest spot but water moving over path at a decent pace. Haven't done anything like for a long time, reminded me of bushwalking. And of course the always healing trees and green life everywhere, herons, tiny baby swamphens, other birds.

It helped balance me somewhat though I've still been feeling almost physically sick with my depression all day and night. Did some other nice things with C, like playing Trivial Pursuit, his antics while playing are hilarious. It was good though I'm struggling hard to find any pleasure just now. Feeling very weird, kinda body/brain chemistry sickness feeling. 

Thanks again and hope your weekend is wonderful. 

[eth]

Hi @Mazarita   here for a bit if you're around.

Lovely to hear that you managed to get out for the wetlands walk despite how you were feeling.  It sounds like while you were doing it you managed to step away from being focussed on internal stuff.  Wading through water with a cross current would have benefits for you I'm sure.  And all the negative ions in the whole area, especially near the 'healing' trees.  It does sound like C is pretty tuned into where you're at at least some of the time and doing his best to give you diversions of a very positive kind.

Hoping you feel a little better today just knowing you did 'show up' for yesterday's activities.  Wondering how your pdoc ap't went if you want to talk about it.  

Unfortunately my support worker for today had to cancel (friday too) as she's very unwell.  So no tai chi in the park this morning.  I really miss it when I don't get there but at least I now have the Tues eve class to look forward to.

Take care if I don't catch you xoxo

Edit:  Also hoping that the adjustment to your meds goes smoothly for you and without any undesired effects.  Good on you for getting there.

[Mazarita]

Hi @eth good to read your message when I came online just now. I have notifications turned off so I only come here intentionally.

I have been so much better over the past couple of days. At the end of my abysmal day and just before bed I took a prn pain med prescribed for me, that also relaxes, helps sleep and improves mood. Woke up at 6am next day after a solid 7 hours sleep, feeling stable again and cognitive functioning recovered from the very noticable loss of it the day before.

Psychiatrist session went well. Changing to a new AD over the next week. Feeling realistic about the potential difficulties of changing meds, at the same time positive about the possibility of finding it a better answer to some of the problems surrounding my mental health, hopefully with less of the bad side effects I've been having with current med.

Good that you have the night session of Tai Chi so that all is not lost this week with support worker being unable to make it. 

If you are still around, real time chat? Either way, hope your day is a good one. ox

[eth]

Hi @Mazarita  hoping you're still around.  I got caught up doing some stuff for the Members Action Group of the disability alliance, for whom I write a report monthly.  Between that and meeting attendance it's taking me at least 5 hrs a month.  Doesn't sound like a lot, but feels it!

Hope your med transition goes smoothly.  I know only to well the mixed feelings of concern about possible undesired effects vs hope that something different will actually make a difference for the better.

Keeping this short in the hope of catching you xx

[Mazarita]

@eth still here. 

[Mazarita]

Hi @eth will respond a bit more to your recent posts while waiting to see if you are still around.

Yesterday sounds good with the few hours with your writing buddy. Do you ever write pieces collaboratively? Great job with the driving! Your work with disability advocacy is so worthwhile.

I know about how much energy can be involved doing work that on paper is only a relatively small number of hours per month. With me it's because I find myself thinking about it so much in between, I think. 

No plans here today, enjoying the low key recovery mode. Bit of gut pain today too so taking it easy.