9 things NOT to say to someone with MI - Teaching others what to say

[Sahara]

Well said, @Former-Member.

It's hard to know the 'right thing to say' but I think it's always worth a genuine try. I think when I had a complete breakdown, I would have really loved someone to have taken charge a bit, to call the doctor for me, make the appointment, then drive me to the doctors and sit in the waiting room with me, gently patting my wrist and showing concern. 

I would have liked friends to say "Come over to my house, stay the night, I will cook for you and you can just talk. Anything you say will go no further than my ears. I am open to listening."

I would have liked someone to call in sick for me, talk to my boss and arrange for me to have a month off work, then make sure I got to my medical appointments to get my sick leave certificates... then posted them into my boss for me.

It would have been great to have someone go to the chemist for me and pick up my meds. 

It would have been so much easier to have this practical support and I believe I would have recovered much sooner. 

As for what to say.... just take someone seriously, as you would if they had a physical illness. Listen to them and keep them talking. Hug them.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Zahara
I agree with what you wrote. I think that sometimes it would be so nice for someone to take over and look after me.
And yes hugs included!!
Also even having friends bring some food over when really bad would help. It's so different when there's a physical injury, friends rally around and help so much. But mental illness- nothing.

[Former-Member]

@Sahara Ditto - I felt exactly the same way you did when I had a Breakdown. @BlueBay there was very little help for me also. It is hard to know what to say sometimes but yes, we do have to try. Hugs ❤️

[Former-Member]

People just can't handle it. With BPD it really pushes all my abandonment buttons, hurts so bad, beyond conttol, but, I've been surprised, here in the last half of my life, to learn the power of self compassion. Its actually quit a skill I'm learning to harness, to strengthen and the blows, they don't hurt so much. I found the secret weapon. Compassion - starting with me. Have you tried?

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member
Yeah I need to work on self compassion. I struggle so much with abandonment because of BPD.

[Former-Member]

Compassion for myself? If that means moving away from abuse etc, yes I have tried it. Looking after myself? most of the time. But it is the reality of living with the mental scars and heartache of the preset that no amount of compassion for myself will ease. Only hope and time will do that. Regardless if that's the wrong thing to say in my life it's been the truth.

 I needed the love of others when I had a breakdown and now  - I will admit it. Although very independent and strong willed I can't do this solely on my own. Can anyone? I think we need "the right people who are good for us at the right time in life , at those vital times or tragedy can strike. We need others - even if that is just one person, they can change someone's world. 

[Former-Member]

sorry was really just venting but probably in the wrong place. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay - BPD is part of what my daughter suffers together with bi-polar. Abandonment being a big issue for her - she can't be alone without a partner for this reason and rushes in. What advice or practical help/support do you find helps you or hinders you with abandonment?

It is so good to be able to speak freely here and be myself without judgement I will say, to express myself, ourselves, honestly without a mask, to be heard equally  - I find that supportive and healing.

As having suffered a mental breakdown I was called a whinger, weak, pathetic, loser, selfish, negative and crazy - all of which added insult to injury. Obviously said out of frustration and anger. Definitely not love at the time.

Also I was given advice out of love that I didn't want to hear at the time, that was painful - some of it stated here being the wrong thing to say to those with MI; but which turned out to be life saving advice for me in the long run! So it can be a two edged sword - what is the wrong thing to say to one may be right for another and impossible to to put in a box as one size fits all . We are all different and I felt that important to express in my humble opinion and experience.

And the beautify of this forum is we can "all" express this individuality honestly due to our own life experiences that we have found helped us.  A positive thing. Hugs 🤗 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member
I struggle a lot with abandonment. My parents abandoned me 6 yrs ago when I told them of my childhood abuse. Then my siblings don't talk to me except for one. Then this year in sept my therapist of 5yrs told me he couldn't help me anymore. More abandonment. That was huge. I felt betrayed lost alone and couldn't cope. I have just starting seeing a new psychologist.
I think for me I jump in and do or say things without thinking of consequences until much later when my mind is rational. Is your daughter seeing someone professional for help for BPD? Have you heard of DBT (dialetical behaviour therapy) it is specific for BPD sufferers. Maybe look into that.
I'm hoping this new psychologist will help me. But first she said I have huge issues with abandonment and my mum.
I hope this helps. I'm happy to chat more about this with you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay - it's a terrible thing when those who we thought we could trust and love don't believe us when we are open and honest about the pain we have harboured silently for so long. And then have a psychologist say they can no longer help us. Not good at all. I have had friends in the past tell me the latter with their therapist saying they could no longer help them. This was mainly due to them feeling they were getting no where, had failed or they didn't want to listen anymore.

But my belief is that if a patient is still going back to them years later the psychologist has not failed. They are keeping their client alive. Sometimes that is what it is about as some scars never completely heal. Some of us just need others to help us carry them better - to see us through. There doesn't have to be obvious improvement for successful counselling in all cases. That's in my opinion, what do you think? What do others expect from therapy - vast improvement or just someone who listens, empathises and supports with some practical advice to cope?