When empathising and trying to help others through a dark period and mental health issues, first I always listen with my heart, try to relate and support as best I can. I think the important thing for anyone suffering mental anguish is to feel "fully heard", to have "their pain acknowledged with genuine empathy". If that is present and happening for the sufferer "whatever is said will be accepted as "good intentions" - not as "being judged". Not being spoken down to, but words said out of care for our welfare. That is the important differiation to make to know whether the wrong words are said to us at the time.
If anything needs being said I will revert back to what helped me survive a total mental breakdown and will use that with compassion and taking to mind the persons particular circumstances as a guide in what I say. When it comes to helping my daughter's mental issues it's never what she wants to hear at the time - it's never "the right thing to say according to her because she's doesn't want to hear it or do it at the time". Give us a break.
It really depends on the individual sufferers circumstances as - "what is wrong words for one might be right for another".
We can't offer a rule book for the right or wrong things to say to those who suffer mentally as everyone is different, their circumstances are different, and this calls for a different response, words or action at the time from those whom know us best. People who are close will mostly speak the truth because they act in our best interests. Those that truly love us or care. That's what I found on hindsight when very ill and it was sometimes very painful to hear.
The main thing is to know the difference of those who truly care and those who are just judging and critiquing. The former we can trust. Advice from those who care may "not always be what we want to hear". That was the case for me when I had my breakdown and at the time I thought they were just being judgemental and didn't care because my judgement was out. It's important to have people around us that we know truly care and that we can trust and take that advice on board otherwise we can spiral downwards.
With honest self evaluation of advice given when ill helped me to rise above it. I took on the good that was within my capacity and rejected the rest. it's very personal. I would see it as being unconstructive if no one helped or advised others because of "the fear of saying the wrong thing".
Unconditional love does accept the person as they are but never accepts self destructive thoughts, actions and choices that leads to the demise of the loved one. And out of love we speak out. Sometimes this can make my daughter angry and is "never the right thing to say" according to her. But sometimes tough love is called for. As yes, sometimes we need a wake up call before it's too late. That's the reality I know and have experienced.
The worst thing said to me when I was at my lowest was "stop whinging" from someone I thought cared and trusted to open up to. Never did that again. It's knowing who is good for us and who is not; whose advice we can trust in those dark times that can make or break us and who to steer clear from. Sometimes we need to think what is said through and make a honest evaluation, regardless how painful and then accept if good for us or reject if not. The best advice we can offer to someone struggling is always honest, based on life experience and straight from the heart in my humble opinion.
To me and what I have learnt, it is not about the right or wrong thing to say to someone suffering mentally, it's about speaking the truth with compassion out of love for the sufferer's welfare. Then ultimately its up to those of us who struggle with MI to make sound choices based on the right advice to help ourselves. It's a two way street, a journey that is not easy for the sufferer or those who care for them.
