Lived Experience Forum

[Whiteknight]

My mother I have sspected, has got BPD in a chronic form and neve rgot treatment, which meant our relationship and my mother to my sister relationship stopped 8 years ago..permanently.

While studying BPD I noticed that fear of abandonment is a real problem. In fact, often a person with this terrible illness will disown a family member or friend to avoid them doing the same. Such an action saves them "face".

Well, although I haven't got BPD but do have bipolar, depression and dysthymia...I know I've got abandonment issues. Old friendship could go years with zero contact only for me to restart thinking about that person and try contacting them. In the latest case an old school friend I haven't seen for 9 years, suddenly I want to know his feelings for us as mates and one this latest contact he wouldn't talk to me. Contact was made via his wife's Facebook as I lost his mobile number. He wouldn't provide me his number nor communicate via Facebook...he left all communication to his wife.

Now, I've come to a conclusion and some acceptance that if someone has issues and they refuse to talk, then they have a problem and its not mine. My issue is- why go 8 years without contact then suddenly I start thinking about the good times we had and want contact? Why regurgitate it all again? It's like my sentimentality is on overdrive. I don't know if its dysthymia or a trait from my mother with her abandonment symptoms, handed down.

I'm interested in others if they have abandonment problems. Do you miss old friends? Have you have friends that prefer no contact? Do you think they prefer no contact because they don't like tolerating your illness symptoms like depression or changes in mood?

There is a positive- that I don't have to put up with his irritations that I did find difficult. So it isn't all bad news. But it still hurts. How do some people leave these issues aside so easily and move on? When you cant do that it is a form of grief.

WK

[s-jay]

Hi @Whiteknight, thanks for opening up here about this. I can see that your writing and the way you express yourself is really thoughtful. It's also not easy to get to a place of acceptance or look for the positives in situations like what you described so hats off to you for getting both of those perspectives in there.

Friendships and relationships are really connected to our wellbeing and do hurt when things don't go as expected. You've asked some really good questions there so hopefully some more folks will jump into the conversation soon.

I don't know if you'll find this interesting or not, but  because I'm new here I was browsing around the forums and found this  old Topic Tuesday from a few years ago on friendships and relationships, I thought it was an interesting read...

[Whiteknight]

Thankyou @s-jay

I'll have a read.

Wk

[Whiteknight]

Good read @s-jay

Stigma...is mentioned. I think it is just as bad suffering stigma  AND being treated that way but not being informed. Like ones ftiend is 

[Whiteknight]

(Hit wrong button)

Like ones friend is keeping their prejudices secret. If this occurs its likely they know their intolerance of a friends mental illness isnt empathetic. 

Also, our illness makes us vulnerable to hurt. 

I read a google quote. Something like this "I feel I miss my friend, then realise, I miss my old friend that is no longer there" That is why I grieve for so long.

Reminiscing over what used to be means not living for the present nor future. The other party likely doesnt feel the same way, if they did, one would know it with some return communication.

That has helped me immensely.

Thanks @s-jay

Wk

[BlueBay]

Hi @Whiteknight

this topic is a really hard and emotional one for me. As you know I have BPD and mother issues. I’ve had abandonment issues from a child when I was sexually abused. I struggle when someone says the wrong words to me that to me mean abandonment or rejection. For eg one of the doctors at my clinic mentioned that I could go to another clinic for my asthma. Instantly I thought that’s it he hates me, he’s abandoned me, he doesn’t want to know me anymore. Also my regular doctor has put a boundary that I can only see him once a fortnight to help with my intensity of previous visits because of BPD  Agsin when he told me I thought abandonment. 

my psychologist of five yrs told me he couldn’t see me anymore because he couldn’t help - that sent me into feeling abandoned and rejected. That took a long time to get over. 

I dont know how you work through abandonment. All I know is that it’s tough really tough emotional and scary to be abandoned. 

[Whiteknight]

Hi @BlueBay

Exactly how I feel to. Same reactions. I feel there are two things that can help

-clarifucation and reassurance. Try to talk to the person more about it. Thats if they will talk, in my case my old friend didnt communicate.

-time. Eg since writing my post I've come to some personal resolution through time and the positive of not tolerating those idiosyncrasies my old friend has.

Insecurity through fear of abandonment is a real fear @BlueBay

Wk

[BlueBay]

@Whiteknight

Yesh I do talk a bit about abandonment to my doctor. He’s fully aware of my BPD snd how abandonment and rejection affect me. If he sees me upset he will reassure me a few times so I understsbd it’s ok. 

Its still tough though. 

[Whiteknight]

@BlueBay

As @s-jay mentioned, I'm lucky because I always seek positives out of any situation and that wired habit pulls me through most times.

You also have the benefit of insight. Awareness of your abandonment issues. Insight is half way to acceptance imo. But the other half of the battle is harder still to accomplish. Rarely is it fully conquered. Thats why its hard. In physical yerms its like losing an arm. We can adapt to using a hook but it will be frustrating as it will never do what our arm did for us.