Looking after ourselves
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24-02-2021 05:30 PM
24-02-2021 05:30 PM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
i dont think my abuser will ever be out of my life. its so complicated. i dont think its over yet. it took everything i had to get through the 40 minutes because pop wouldnt shut up. i also dont know who else to trust anymore. my hospital admission 3 years ago somehow managed to get to him and he knows more then what my own mother did/does. there may come a time in the near furture when i will need to be brave and speak about things. i feel sick and shaky and i let the emotions win
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25-02-2021 04:23 AM - edited 25-02-2021 06:21 AM
25-02-2021 04:23 AM - edited 25-02-2021 06:21 AM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
Here I am self-sabotaging again in the middle of the night when I have an important meeting tomorrow (today). I've just wasted about an hour, maybe even two, writing a long post here about something and now I've just erased it all because I suddenly saw that none of what I'd written was really helpful to me to say again at length, nor for anyone else to read it. Waste of time, born of what I am choosing to view right now as self-sabotage in being up so late and actually tired. I make it hard for myself to live this life with this seemingly irresistable drive to almost completely rebel at routine and order.
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25-02-2021 06:20 AM - edited 25-02-2021 06:26 AM
25-02-2021 06:20 AM - edited 25-02-2021 06:26 AM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
Can I worry again? I feel compelled to continue writing though I think I've been just about the only poster to the forum all night. Already several posts. If I have not been writing here while up all night, I have had communications revolving in my head, replaying conversations, trying to work out the vibes of interractions, replaying exact words and sentences in my head, written here and spoken elsewhere. Lots of them in a stream, worry worry, shit that wasn't exactly what I meant, or that wasn't exactly true, small details, sometimes just words in sentences I've written or said seem wrong. Anyway, it's been a bit of a tormenting night. And still I feel the urge to continue writing so as to avoid the hall of mirrors in my head. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep soon.
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01-03-2021 07:27 PM
01-03-2021 07:27 PM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
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01-03-2021 07:38 PM
01-03-2021 07:38 PM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
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01-03-2021 07:59 PM
01-03-2021 07:59 PM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
And I'm exhausted. So exhausted of being a burden, trying to keep up even when I'm slowing down. Exhausted from my own worries as well as others. Trying to make things better, when everything is getting worse.
I see how much I burden others by the frowns on their faces, the perplexed looks, the rolled eyes, the shuffling me out the door.
Compassion is now lost to those that are burdensome. People no longer know what to say, what to do. Their skin crawls with this feeling of discomfort, so better to push you out the door. Hopefully you won't be back anytime soon.
Best not to be a burden. Best not to speak out, complain or be contrite. Best to disappear into the conundrum. Into the floor, the walls, out the door.
Best not be a burden at all. Not my problem. Not anyone's problem or burden.
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01-03-2021 08:11 PM
01-03-2021 08:11 PM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
It sounds like there's a lot going on @Sans911 and you haven't been getting the response that you might have hoped for or needed. It can feel really invalidating when it seems like concerns that are being raised to gain support are instead being dismissed or brushed aside due to discomfort or uncertainty with knowing how to deal. Please know you are not a burden here, and you're welcome to come offload or seek support among your peers whenever you might need. But, if what you're experiencing becomes too distressing please don't hesitate to reach out for support from somewhere like Lifeline (13 11 14), because you're not alone and you are deserving of that help. I hope things improve for you soon. Take care 🌼
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01-03-2021 11:01 PM
01-03-2021 11:01 PM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
Whenever I look for support on a different forum about problems I'm having with my psych, the people keep suggesting that I change to a new one.
But that's the nature of relational trauma. It causes problems with relationships in areas linked to the original trauma. So my problems are linked to things that make the relationship with my psych to be really ****ing difficult. If I wasn't having problems with the way he does/says things because of who he is, I'd just warp it into a different problem with a different counselor. There's no quick win available just by swapping out one of the players. Still, the ways he does trigger my 'mess' really, really hurt and I wish he'd stop because they seem so preventable from my perspective.
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02-03-2021 02:00 AM
02-03-2021 02:00 AM
Re: Worry Room - Get it out, and walk away: No responses please
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02-03-2021 04:13 PM
02-03-2021 04:13 PM