Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

Hi @Powderfinger Need to come back later - have read your post but not feeling well so can't concentrate ...and you deserve my full attention. Chat later 👍

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 I completely understand. Only when you can and you do feel better. I'm on the way to my doctor's cause I'm not well either. 

Speak only when you can. 👍

[Powderfinger]

I also made heaps of typos. I was doing it on my phone so that made a difference. I'm pretty sure you knew what words they were intended to be though @Zoe7 

Hear from you whenever you are ready, don't stress. 

[Zoe7]

Yes I do recall those dark days very well @Powderfinger and am in a much better place now but I hope you writing here is helping just as it did for me having that support and being able to talk about it.

I do agree - you do have to concentrate on yourself and not think about her at all - she has lost that respect and care from you and you are number 1 

Personally, i think you do not need to stand up for yourself when there is no point - when the other person will not bother to listen or take any of it in it just becomes white noise. Sometimes it is better to simply walk away knowing you are the better person. It is frustrating and hurts but without any recognition that you have a voice there really is no point speaking. You have nothing left to prove -  you gave it everything and she threw it all back at you - that now is her burden to deal with.

You certainly have a lot to talk through and work out but I do still think you have more clarity in your thinking than you give yourself credit for. Everything that you have written here and talked about shows incredible insight into yourself and this relationship - you know what you need to do but it is about working out how to do that. 

[Powderfinger]

Hi @Zoe7 

I hope me talking about all this isn't taking a toll on you? 

I woke up this morning and sent her a text. I just said I'm staying in the house, you said you were going to leave if I moved out anyhow, you have a car and I don't. I said that I will get a housemate in and pay the bond so you can have your entire bond back. 

It's been agreed on and she has started packing and looking at places. I have contacted my landlord to let him know what is going on. I am waiting to hear back from him. 

I've asked permission to get a housemate when she moves out, told him about the bond and asked him if he would rather I move out too. Waiting to hear back. My landlord lives next door to me. He is a great guy and we get along well. He will always talk to me rather than talk to Rachel, although he can if he wishes. Now just to figure out how the heck to come up with 1600 dollars. I know she will want to use that for her bond at her new place, so needs to be done. I will figure something out. 

I have to be careful Zoe and it is also something I need to work on in therapy. She has lost my respect and care. Rightfully so. I would do this with others as well if they lost my respect and care. I'm feeling stronfully to still want to, BUT I know that she is not deserving of that from me. I do not know why I feel a complusion to do it when I know she has done so much and incredibly deep damage. 

I went out today, had to go to doctors and get stuff as well. I couldn't stop the tears from coming wherever I went. It was so hard. I wanted someone to hold me so I could just let go and on the other hand I just wanted to be left a lone so I could let go and cry. 

@Zoe7 I couldn't have stood up for myself anyway. I lost that ability about a month ago. New things just keep being added on top of old things I've been told. Yes, it hurt. It hurt because I knew I was not who she was speaking about. I don't know the person she was speaking about. I do not know if it is her being incredibly mentally unwell and they do not have the diagnosis right yet or if this really is her as a person?? Unknown??? Either way she gave up.on me, she did many things. I'm.still learning to form my thoughts and words again. How to speak again. 

I thought to myself today, if the relationship wasn't bad at all, why do I feel like a horror show inside if myself. 

Would you mind elaborating on this point you mentioned please? 

You have nothing left to prove -  you gave it everything and she threw it all back at you - that now is her burden to deal with.

As for your last paragraph, thank you. It will take time to believe this yet. I have a lot of mast ness going on in my head. 

Thank you for taking the time to write today. I do hope you are feeling better. 

[Zoe7]

Hey @Powderfinger No not taking a toll on me at all - I am actually happy (not the right word) to be here with you and to allow you to talk through all this.

You have nothing left to prove -  you gave it everything and she threw it all back at you - that now is her burden to deal with.

It seems from what you have written that you could not have given anymore to this relationship than you have and along the way she has abused, mistreated and disrespected you. The breakdown of any relationship leaves questions for both sides but in saying that you are reflecting on what has happened, why and your part in that. Her burden here is to either repeat her behaviours in the future or to get help to resolve her own issues and behaviour - that is no longer your concern nor should it be. The responsibility for her is to look at her part in what has happened, acknowledge this and hopefully get the help she needs.

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

I am happy it is not taking a toll on you. I ma glad that you feel happy to be walking with me and thank you for allowing me to talk and express myself. 

I always had more to give my relationship. Endless abundance. I went through some really bad patches through it and I just had absolutely no recovery time. On top of that, yes I was being abused, mistreated and disrespected. I do rememeber everyting that happened, it is just that my mind is in recovery too. 

She did say last night there were two in the relationship and it was not all me that did everything wrong, yet I feel like it is. Last night, I was just blank. I heard her and I remember what she said, I was just blank. I even go blank when reflecting about me and things I did. 

Yes, well I have to not think about her and what she is going to do or not do. It keeps me trapped. 

I just want to share an example of something. That is the only way right now I can share understanding of what I dealt a lot of with. 

It took me ages to work with her in seeing a doctor. Earlier in the relationship before all that, she has a bone mass on her tailbone. It is very painful for her to sit on. Gosh, I loved her so much that I did not want to see her in an ounce of any pain. I would do anything for her. I am also an empath and a HSP, so that makes things hard for me at times and I just wish I wasn't on most days. So, one day I was really annoyed that she wouldnt see a doctor. I was worried it might be something serious and that I would lose her. 

I booked her an apppintment and told her we are going to get to checked out. She got so angry with me. I started to cry. She didnt understand that I was concerned and worried. We had a deep bond at one stage. I was deeply in love with her. Now if you fast forward to six months later, she would say I am controlling and she should have been able to make her own choices. I would fall over myself apologising and also attempting to explain where I was coming from and why I did what I did. After a while it would seem as if she is getting it and then things would eventually settle down. Then take it to another 6 months later and it would be the same thing again. I would make excuses. Its her memory, she forgot we spoek about this and again we would have the same conversation/argument depending on her mood. I wanted so much for her happiness that I was trying to do things right, but the goalposts kept moving. 

My way of loving someone is showing my care in that way. My gentle loving care. I also was trying to show her that just because her mother never took her to doctors at all when she seriously needed one, it does not mean that life has to be like that now. I would say, I don't want anything to happen to you and if it can be avoided and something is picked up, I'd like to know. She didnt understand that it was one way I showed my love. Sure, my cptsd came into it somewhat because I have lost so many people, but by and large the truth is I did it all out of love. In her view it was controlling and not allowing her to make her own choices. It gets more complicated than that, but it is a snapshot. In my heart, I just thought hey that is what love does. It turned out to be unsatisfactory. Now, I look back on it and I really do not know whether I was appopritae in my actions or not. I blame myself. I am very confused about who I am. Why wouldnt I be. This is just one example of many many other things. 

But yes, at least now, she can do life completely on her own terms. Its none of my business anymore. 

[Zoe7]

Bringing things up again and again is frustrating @Powderfinger I can hear the sorrow in you trying to look out for her and look after her whilst being pushed away - that is heartbreaking. Your heart was in the right place.

I am sure you both did and said things that you have regretted but it takes a bigger person to own up to them and also to move on. Life is too short to be going over and over the same things again and again. That may say more about her than you and what she needs to work on. 

The important thing now is you are both on the same page with her moving out and you can begin to put little pieces of your life back together. That is going to be incredibly hard but Yes I will walk this path with you for as long as you need.

I am actually really enjoying our conversations here so please do not feel at all that you are burdening me or I don't want to be here for you. I do know what such a toxic relationship can do to a person first hand - and I have had many people here walk along with me - so consider this my repayment for all that support in being able to now support you 

[Powderfinger]

@Zoe7 

Yes, brining up things again and again is no good. It was in the right place. I gave the relationship my best. I made mistakes and it is going to take a while to get clarity for myself. I went to her last night and looked at her face to face. I said I am deeply sorry for any pain I caused you. I can only remember bits and pieces. The thing is I have realised I need to be single for many many many reasons. At this stage any relationship is not possible for me. I do not feel an ounce of goodness about myself. I feel my confusion is because of my head and how my head works. I onlt realised this year how damaged I am from my childhood into adulthood. Before I did not realise. It took me cutting contact with the rest of my family to see it. I feel like some things are intrinsically wrong with me. Unfortunately an extremely abusive childhood and frightened scared young child doesn't grow properly. As an adult you get taught things that don't make a lot of sense. It's like there just is no hope. I missed out on childhood and now I have had to learn to be an adult, when I was given adult responsibilities as a child. 

Regardless there are two broken hearts now. Yes, we are on the same page as to her moving out. 

I am glad you are enjoying our conversations here. I am sorry to hear you endured many toxic relationship too in your past. I am also glad you had many people here walking with you and I thank you for walking with me too. Sane has been a life saving place for me and has taught me so much, challenged a lot of my pre conceived notions and beliefs, also gets me to take a look at myself in a lot of ways and I appreciate that. 

[Zoe7]

Yes that abuse and neglect as childroon hamper one's development in a unhealthy way @Powderfinger You miss out on so much when you have to be the 'adult' so young then want to find that child you lost when you are actually an adult. It is quite natural that you now want to find yourself alone - and I think that is a really healthy outlook. We can only be true to others when we are true to ourselves and that can take a lot of hard work to find out who we really are.